Taking Time to Reflect
Inspect your motives. Breakups are hard. It’s natural that after breaking up with someone, you’ll miss their company and the sense of security the relationship may have given you. More than that, being on your own after a breakup often means having to be alone with painful feelings that you would much rather avoid. As a result, your knee-jerk reaction can be to just want things to go back to the way they were, which is at least familiar and often somewhat comforting. Before approaching your ex, you first need to sit down with yourself and soberly and honestly consider why the relationship ended and whether your motives for getting back together are genuine or merely reactionary. If your motives for wanting to reconcile are rooted in reactionary or cowardly emotions, don’t go any further. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself and on buckling down and dealing with the inevitable post-breakup discomfort like an adult. If your motives for getting back together have to do with saving face in front of friends or family, with proving to yourself or others that you can get her back if you want to, or with giving you a chance to hurt her back in any way, stop. Those aren’t good motives for pursuing a relationship with anyone, and particularly not with an ex. You’ll only cause the both of you further pain and emotional trauma. Instead, bear down and decide to deal with your feelings in an adult way.
Think very carefully about what ended the relationship. This step is important for two key reasons: one, because you should think very carefully about why you want to get back together, and two, because the relationship ended for a reason, and if you want to get back together, you need to be prepared to address that reason. Showing her you’ve reflected on the relationship and are prepared to learn from previous mistakes will demonstrate that you’re serious and willing to change. If you approach your ex with a thoughtful response to past problems and a willingness to change, she’ll be more likely to reconsider the relationship. You might say something like, for example, “I’ve thought about why we broke up, and I think part of it was because I didn’t understand that when got mad at me for being late, you were really upset because you felt like I wasn’t making you a priority, and I’d like to change that.” Admitting to what you may have done wrong will help show that you care enough about the relationship to take responsibility and that you’re not just trying to get back together for superficial reasons.
Keep your distance. The more you pursue her, especially soon after the breakup when she needs her own space away from you, the more likely you are to blow your chances at reconciliation. Texting, calling, emailing, or otherwise trying to insert yourself into her life soon after the breakup is not only irritating, it comes across as desperate. Nothing is more likely to persuade her the breakup was the right decision than your being clingy and immature by not backing off. Try to wait for her to come to you. Allowing her to come to you first has the advantage of putting the ball in your court and giving you some space to re-open the conversation about your relationship. If you try to force her to have that conversation before she’s ready, she’s likely to pull away, perhaps permanently.
Focus on you for a while. Don’t obsess over the relationship’s end or fixate all your attention on getting back together. Instead, take time to yourself. Reconnect with your favorite hobbies, hang out with friends, and refamiliarize yourself with who you are apart from your relationship. You may find that you actually aren’t missing much at all and that your initial desire to get back together was more emotional than rational. Don’t be afraid to be on your own. One of the worst reasons to get back into a relationship is because you’re afraid to be alone. That spells disaster for both you and the relationship.
Approaching Your Ex
Do the right thing. Before you make any moves to reach out to your ex, make sure she’s available and that you really have her best interests at heart. If she’s dating someone else, don’t try to come crashing in on the relationship. Wait until she’s not seeing someone. If you truly care about her and her happiness, put aside any jealousy, resentment, or bitterness before trying to approach her again.
Network. If you know your intentions are good and if you’re on good terms with her friends, you might consider recruiting their help. But proceed cautiously--this can backfire in a big way if her friends decide to speak up against you rather than for you. If you can get the help of her friends, though, they can be invaluable allies in helping your cause.
Start slow. When you’ve taken enough time apart and are ready to try reaching out to her, do so in a low-pressure way. Don’t start off in an emotionally-loaded way by saying something like, “I really want us to get back together” or the dreaded “we need to talk.” Make it clear that you only want to get together as friends to check in on each other’s lives, not to make a desperate attempt at reconciliation or hash out past grievances. Set up a meeting in a neutral, low-pressure space. Suggest getting lunch or a cup of coffee. Avoid choosing a location that’s emotionally charged for the two of you, like a cafe you used to frequent together or the restaurant you went to for your first date. It might seem like a clever move, but it will just taint the encounter and be more likely to put her on the defensive from the start.
Keep things casual. If your first meetup goes well and you’re both amenable to meeting up again, aim for a similarly low-pressure situation. Make it clear that you’re interested in reconnecting as friends at this point and that you’re not expecting this to mean that you’re back together. If, after spending some no-pressure time together, you both mutually feel that there’s still a strong connection between you, you can bring up the topic of your relationship and whether the two of you might want to explore the possibility of getting back together. You might say something like, “I’ve been thinking about our breakup, and I think I understand the problems that led up to it. Do you want to talk about it?” If she reacts negatively to this suggestion, back off. The harder you push when she’s not receptive, the more you’ll hurt your own cause. Give it some more time and re-address the topic if she seems more receptive. If she still isn’t into it, start to reconcile yourself to the possibility that it may just not happen.
Re-Starting the Relationship
Take responsibility. If you want to re-start your relationship, you’re going to first need to take responsibility for what you may have done wrong the first time around. Sit down with each other and agree to have a calm, adult conversation about past grievances. Take responsibility for your own mistakes, and own up to them openly. Don’t try to minimize or deny things you did wrong; instead, show that you recognize what you did wrong and want to avoid similar mistakes in the future. For example, you might say something like, “I know I wasn’t a good listener and that’s my fault. I was too busy worrying about work (or school or whatever) and I didn’t give you the attention you deserved. I’m sorry and I want to change that.”
Focus on moving forward. This applies whether you get back together with your ex-girlfriend or not. If you do succeed in getting back together, don’t dwell on past wrongs or spend time blaming each other for what went wrong. Instead, focus on discussing what each of you needs from the relationship and discuss how to help each other get it. Focus on what you want moving forward rather than on what you did or didn’t do in the past. For example, you might explain, “I felt like you got annoyed with me when I went out with my friends, and I think it might have been because I didn’t let you know about my plans far enough in advance. Is that right?” Then suggest ways of resolving the problem going forward, like agreeing to give at least 5 hours notice before going out on weeknights, etc. If you don’t succeed in getting back together, don’t obsess over your failures or over what she did to wrong you. Learn what you can from what worked and what didn’t work in the relationship and start to move on.
Have a game plan. If the two of you decide to give the relationship another try, have a clear game plan in place to help you move forward. Determine specifically what each of you needs and wants from the relationship. Ask, “What do you feel like you weren’t getting before?” and “What can we do to help you get that from the relationship?” Similarly, tell her what it is you need--without being accusatory--and figure out how the two of you can help you get that. Set reasonable expectations with regard to your responsibility for attending to those needs and wants. Resolve to talk--a lot. Periodically check in with each other about the relationship and your satisfaction levels. Addressing these issues head-on is particularly important for a relationship that comes with prior baggage.
Comments
0 comment