What Is Social Proof in Dating?

What is social proof?

Social proof refers to how your behavior influences your attractiveness. Social proof is based on the premise that people are suspicious of others when they’re isolated and disconnected from other people, while they’re attracted to others who have a lot of social connections, friends, or romantic partners. Picture social proof kind of like your “social aura.” It’s the way people who don’t know you kind of feel about your social standing based on how you act and who you associate with. A lot of people think social proof is only an important concept for men seeking women partners, but everybody has (and needs!) social proof. Alternative scientific definition: In the field of psychology, social proof (also known as informational social influence) is a phenomenon where people who are unsure or uncomfortable will copy the behavior of people who look more confident. It’s connected to the dating-version of the concept, but a little different.

Is social proof a real phenomenon?

Yes, people are naturally attracted to socially successful people. Human beings are naturally social creatures and we seek out social proof when it comes to deciding who we want to emulate, who we want to date, and who we want to associate with professionally. A person’s social affluence demonstrates that other people think they’re interesting (and safe, which is huge for men dating women who don’t know them super well). Social proof is also what people are looking for when they swipe on Tinder, for example. The fact that people swipe more often if someone has a group photo with their friends indicates that this is a real phenomenon. Picture a set of twins. Each twin is identically physically attractive, they dress the same, and they have basically the same personality. The only difference is that one of the twins has a bunch of friends, a deep professional network, and a situationship with one of their exes. Who do you think the average person would be more likely to choose as a date?

What is preselection?

Preselection is the idea that women prefer men who other women want. The theory behind preselection is that women naturally seek out the approval of other women when selecting for a partner. Basically, if a guy gets a girlfriend (or a girl shows interest in a guy), other women are suddenly going to be attracted him because they want to compete for the “most valuable” guy they can.

Is preselection a real phenomenon?

No, there isn’t any evidence women “preselect” for partners like this. It does seem true that women (and men) seek out social proof, but preselection specifically doesn’t have any basis in reality. There may be anecdotal stories about women who tend to seek out unavailable men, but that has more to do with someone acting out past traumas and less to do with any kind of universal law about attraction. This preselection business is based on ideas that were (partly) cultivated by the “red pill” community—an online group of men who prescribe to some misogynistic and untrue beliefs about dating. Preselection is one example of a social theory that just doesn’t exist. Women and men are equally likely to seek out unavailable people.

Examples of Social Proof

People in mixed-gender groups will be more approachable. If a person is visibly social and friendly with both men and women, it signals that they’re romantically and socially competent. If a woman only hangs out with other women or a man only hangs out with other men, it can send the subconscious message that there’s something unsafe or unapproachable about them. This might be some of the motivation behind the “pick me” trait that a lot of men and women have picked up over the past few years.

Celebrities have an easier time finding romantic partners. Fame and popularity are perhaps the most obvious demonstrations of social proof. If people see you on TV or in movies or at concerts being admired by crowds and fawned over, they’re naturally going to assume you’re a socially competent and desirable person. After all, everyone else loves this person, so why shouldn’t you?

Someone may seem safer to date if they have lots of exes. A history of relationships proves that other people have found you safe enough to be intimate around in the past, which means you’re probably not a bad option to date now. There’s obviously a middle-ground here. A 21-year-old with 30 ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends is probably going to raise some red flags with potential partners.

A person in a healthy committed relationship seems more attractive. There are studies that seem to demonstrate people are more likely to find someone attractive if they witness them behaving in a normal way with a romantic partner. The reverse is also true—people who are in toxic situations with romantic partners are seen as less desirable. Isn’t this just preselection? No, preselection is based on the premise that women are uniquely inclined to compete for the most desirable men. This example applies to both men and women, and the only reason the “committed relationship” part matters is that it signals someone is competent romantically—it’s not about competition.

Improving Your Social Proof

Cultivate a large and diverse friend group. Hang out with people who are radically different than you whenever given the opportunity. Not only will you enrichen your social life by exposing yourself to new perspectives, but you’ll be more likely to have luck in love if potential partners see you have an open mind and get along with people. It can be hard to make new friends, but stick with it! Try saying “yes” to every invitation you receive—regardless of who its from or what the activity is.

Practice talking to new people to get more socially comfortable. It’s hard to demonstrate social proof if you never give yourself practice at talking to new people. Try chatting people up when you go out with your friends or stop by the local bar for a drink after work. Alternatively, you can talk to strangers at the bus stop or chat up the server next time you go out to eat.

Fake it until you make it when you’re nervous or uncertain. Mirroring is a powerful way to demonstrate social proof if you’re ever too anxious to behave the way you want to. Simply smile when the other person smiles, show concern whenever they do, and answer any questions by re-asking the same thing back (after you finish answering, of course). Eventually, you’ll begin to feel more confident in the way you express yourself when talking to other people!