How to Come out of One's Shell

Thinking Positively

Learn the difference between introversion and shyness. There’s a difference between being an introvert and being so shy that you can’t have a conversation with a person at a party. Introversion is a personality trait: it’s what makes you happy and comfortable. Shyness, on the other hand, comes from fear or anxiety about interacting with others. Learning to tell whether you’re an introvert or just shy can help you break out of your shell. Introverts tend to enjoy solitude. They feel “recharged” by being alone. They enjoy hanging out with people, but they usually prefer to do it in small groups and have quiet gatherings rather than big parties. If you feel happy and comfortable on your own, like it’s meeting a need you have, you may be introverted. Shyness can cause anxiety over interacting with others. Unlike introverts, who enjoy being alone, people who are shy often wish they could interact more with others but feel afraid to do so. Research has demonstrated that shyness and introverted have a very low correlation -- in other words, being shy doesn’t mean you’re introverted, and being introverted doesn’t mean you “hate people.” You can take a shyness quiz online from Wellesley College to determine how shy you are. A score of above 49 indicates that you’re very shy, between 34-49 that you’re kind of shy, and below 34 that you’re not very shy.

Turn self-consciousness into self-awareness. It's hard to come out of your shell when you feel like others are scrutinizing everything about you. But science shows that we’re our own worst critics -- most of the time, others don’t even notice the faux pas we may think are catastrophic. Learn to examine your actions from a place of acceptance and understanding rather than criticism. Self-consciousness comes from a place of embarrassment and shame. We worry that others are judging us as harshly as we’re judging ourselves for our mistakes and slip-ups. For example, a self-conscious thought might be, "I can't believe I just said that. I sound like a complete idiot." This thought judges you and does not offer any help for the future. A self-aware thought might be, “Whoops, I completely blanked on that person’s name! I’ll have to figure out some strategies to remember others’ names better.” This thought acknowledges that you flubbed something, but doesn’t make it the end of the world. It also acknowledges that you can learn to do things differently in the future.

Remember that nobody is watching you as closely as you are. People who have trouble coming out of their shells are often plagued by the idea that the people around them are watching their every move, waiting for them to fail. When you're in a social situation, do you spend all your time scrutinizing every single action of every single person in the room? Of course not -- you're too busy focusing on the things that are actually important to you. And guess what? Most people are the same way. ”Personalization” is a common cognitive distortion, or unhelpful way of thinking that your brain has made a habit. Personalization blames you for things that really aren’t your responsibility. It can make you take everything personally, even when it has nothing to do with you. Learn to challenge personalization by reminding yourself that it isn’t actually all about you. That coworker who didn’t return your friendly wave probably isn’t mad at you; she might not have seen you, or she might be having a hard day, or she might be worried about things that you’re not even aware of. Remembering that every person has a rich internal life of thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires can help remind you that most people are too busy to spend their time scrutinizing you.

Challenge self-critical thoughts. You may be afraid to come out of your shell because you're constantly reminding yourself of all of the things you did to screw up a social situation. You might walk away thinking, "I was way too quiet," "The only comment I made was completely idiotic," or "I think I offended so-and so..." Well, sure, we all make social faux pas, but we all also succeed socially as well. Instead of obsessing over the worst things you might or might not have done, focus on the positives. Remind yourself that you were able to make people laugh, that they looked genuinely happy to see you, or that you made a great point about something. ”Filtering” is another common cognitive distortion. It happens when you focus only on what went wrong, and ignore anything that went right. This is a natural human tendency. Fight back against filtering by being more mindful of your experiences and actively acknowledging what goes right. You could keep a little notebook with you and write down whenever something positive happens, no matter how minor it may seem to you. You could even keep a Twitter or Instagram account to record these little moments. When you find yourself thinking thoughts that focus on the negative, pull out your list of positive things and remind yourself that you do plenty of things well. And what you aren’t great at right now, you can learn!

Find what makes you unique. If you want to come out of your shell, then you have to develop your confidence and be happy with who you are. If you're happy with who you are, then you'll be more likely to share who you are with other people. Think about the things that make you a special person: your quirky sense of humor, your experiences from traveling, the intelligence you've gained from reading so much. Be proud of the things that make you you and remind yourself that you do have qualities that are worth sharing the next time you step out into the world. Make a list of all the things that make you proud of yourself in some way. Nothing is too “minor” for this list! We often make a habit of minimizing our own talents and accomplishments (another cognitive distortion), assuming that whatever we know isn’t as cool as what everyone else knows. But not everyone knows how to play the ukulele or make perfect scrambled eggs or find the best shopping deals. Whatever you can do, be proud of it.

Visualize success. Before you walk into a social situation, picture yourself walking into a room proud and tall, having people be genuinely happy to see you, and making them respond positively to a social interaction with you. You don't have to picture yourself as the center of attention (in fact, that's probably the last thing you want!), but you should picture the outcome that you want. It’ll help you work to achieve it. There are two types of visualization, and you need to use both for the best results. With “outcome visualization,” you imagine yourself achieving your goal. Close your eyes and picture how your next social interaction will be fun and enjoyable. Picture your body language, words, and movements, as well as the positive reactions of other people. Imagine them smiling at you, laughing at your jokes, and being genuinely happy to hang out with you. With “process visualization,” you have to imagine the steps you need to take to achieve your goal. For example, to get to that easy, relaxed social interaction, what did that hypothetical future-you do? Prep a few “small-talk” topics? Pump yourself up with a few positive affirmations beforehand? What actions will increase your likelihood of success? Visualization is essentially mental “rehearsal.” It allows you to “practice” a situation before you go through with it. You can also identify potential snags and come up with ways to beat them. Visualizing can help you accomplish your goals because it can actually trick your brain into believing you’ve already been successful at them.

Boosting Your Confidence

Master something. Another way to build your confidence and to get more pumped to talk to other people is to learn something new. This can be anything from figure skating to creative writing to Italian cooking. You don't have to be the best in the world at it; what’s important is that you work at it and acknowledge your successes. Mastering things will not only boost your confidence, it will also give you more to talk about with others and may help you make some friends along the way, too. If you're already good at something, awesome. Add it to your list of things that make you unique. And don't be afraid to try something else anyway. Learning new skills also helps keep your brain sharp. When your brain is constantly challenged with new information and tasks, it has to become more flexible and adaptable -- and that’s excellent for helping you break out of your shell. Try a class! Whether it’s yoga for beginners or Italian Cooking 101, classes can be a great way to connect with others who are also learning something new to them. You’ll be able to see that everyone makes mistakes along the way to mastery, and you may even bond with people over your newfound passion.

Push yourself past your comfort zone. Staying in your shell can be comfortable. You know what you’re good at, and you never have to do anything that frightens you or makes you uncomfortable. The thing is, staying in your comfort zone kills creativity and exploration. Doing things you’ve never done before will help you come out of your shell. Pushing yourself past your comfort zone means acknowledging that fear and uncertainty exist, and that it’s okay to feel those things. You just can’t let those feelings keep you from exploring the world. If you practice taking risks even when you’re a little afraid, you’ll find it’s a lot easier to continue taking them. Psychologists have discovered that you actually need a little anxiety to make you more creative. People work harder when they feel slightly unsure of the situation, which leads to better performance, too. On the other hand, you don’t want to try too much too soon. Too much anxiety, and your brain will simply shut down. So push yourself a little bit at a time, but be patient with yourself. This doesn't mean you have to go skydiving if you're scared of being on a second floor balcony. But whether it's trying salsa dancing, going hiking, or making your own sushi, promise yourself that you’ll start doing things outside your comfort zone.

Set yourself some “easy” goals. One way to set yourself up for a social setback is to expect perfection immediately. Instead, boost your confidence by setting yourself some goals that seem challenging but doable. As your confidence levels increase, you can set yourself harder goals. Try to speak to just one person at a gathering. It can be overwhelming to go into a situation assuming that you have to “work the room” and interact with everyone, especially if you’ve just started working on coming out of your shell. Instead, plan to speak with just one person. That’s totally do-able! And when you’ve done it, you can add it to your mental “success shelf.” Look for other people who might be shy. You’re not the only person in the world who has trouble coming out of your shell! The next time you’re at a gathering, look around for someone else who looks uncomfortable or is standing off in a corner. Go over and introduce yourself. It could be that you’re the inspiration they need to come out of their shell a little bit too.

Embrace the possibility of mistakes. Not every interaction will go as you hope. Not everyone will respond well to your approaches. Sometimes, you’ll say something that doesn’t go over well. That’s okay! Accepting the possibility of uncertainty and different outcomes than you’d planned for will help you stay open to connecting with others. Recasting setbacks or challenges as learning experiences can also help keep you from viewing them (or yourself) as a “failure.” When we wrongly think of ourselves as failures, we’re unmotivated to keep trying, because what’s the point? Instead, look for what you can learn from every situation, even the ones that were uncomfortable or didn’t go the way you’d hoped. For example, you might try introducing yourself to someone at a party, but he isn’t interested in talking to you and turns away. This sucks, but guess what? It isn’t a failure; it's not really a mistake, either, since you had the strength and courage to put yourself out there. You may be able to learn some things from the experience too, such as observing signs that someone isn’t interested in having a conversation at that moment and realizing that the way other people act is not your fault. When you’re feeling embarrassed by something, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Maybe you've asked someone how his girlfriend is doing when everyone else knew she dumped him weeks ago. Maybe you've found yourself talking too much about your childhood obsession with ferrets. All of that is okay -- we've all done it. The important thing is that you get knocked down, but you get up again. Don't let one social mistake keep you from trying in the future.

Putting Yourself Out There

Position yourself as approachable. Part of coming out of your shell is making people want to talk to you. You may be surprised to hear that people might think that you're stuck up or rude just because you're so shy that you can't even begin to think about giving people positive affirmation. This can change today. The next time someone comes up to you or starts talking to you, give that person a big smile, stand with your posture straight and your arms at your sides, and enthusiastically ask that person how he or she is doing. It takes practice to start looking friendly when you're used to retreating into your shell, but you can make it work. If you're shy, you may be used to hunching over a book or your cell phone, but this may make people think you're too busy to talk to them. You can be approachable and look engaged even if you're shy. Even if you're not saying a lot, nodding, making eye contact, smiling at the right times, and generally looking like you're enjoying yourself are all signs of being an “active listener.” Active listening helps people feel like you’re interested and involved in the conversation. If you just hang back and stare at the floor, people might forget that you're there. Try repeating a few key ideas from a conversation as the basis for your own contribution. This not only shows you’re listening, it helps other people feel acknowledged. For example, if you’ve been listening to someone talk about her trip to India, you could say something like “That sounds amazing! I’ve never been to India, but I did go to Indiana once.” If talking about yourself seems too hard at the moment, this can be a tactic you can use until you comfortable sharing yourself a little more.

Ask people open-ended questions. Once you're having a conversation with people, a great default mode is to ask them a few simple questions, whether it's about themselves, their plans, or whatever it is that they are talking about. Asking questions is also a lower-pressure form of social interaction because you won't be talking about yourself as much, but will be showing interest and will move the conversation forward. You don't have to ask the person a million questions or sound like a detective and make him or her uncomfortable; just ask a friendly question when there's a lag in the conversation. Obviously, it's harder for shy people to just open up and start talking about themselves. This is a good way to start. Open-ended questions invite the other person to share something about themselves, instead of a “yes” or “no” answer. Some examples of open-ended questions include “Where did you find that awesome t-shirt?” or “What’s your favorite book and why?” or “Where’s the best place to get coffee around here?”

Start sharing things about yourself. Once you get more comfortable with the people you're talking to, or even with your friends, then you can slowly start to open up. You shouldn't share your deepest, darkest secrets first, obviously, but you can slowly reveal things little by little. Take the pressure off. Tell a funny story about one of your teachers. Show people a cute picture of Muffins, your pet rabbit. If someone talks about his trip to Vegas, talk about the awkward family trip you once took there. Baby steps are the key. You can even start sharing a bit by saying, "Me too," or "I know exactly what you mean. One time I..." when people relate their experiences. Even sharing silly anecdotes or small details can get you ready to come out of your shell more. As people give you positive affirmation for what you say, you'll be more likely to keep opening up. You don't have to be the first person to share something slightly person. Wait for a few other people to open up first. Though talking about yourself incessantly is obviously rude, it can also be seen as rude to be completely closed off. If a person is sharing a lot with you, and all you say is "Uh-huh..." then the person may be hurt that you're not comfortable with sharing something yourself. Even a “Me too!” helps others feel more involved with you.

Master small talk. There's nothing small about small talk. Many great friendships and relationships have started after a conversation about the weather or the local sports team. Some people say, "I don't do small talk" because they think it's superficial and a waste of time, but being able to make low-pressure simple conversation with new people is a building block to getting to know them on a deeper level. Small talk actually gives people the chance to socialize by using topics that aren't too personal. When people first meet each other, they decide what information to share of themselves that they would consider "safe" information. Small talk provides lots of opportunity to share safe information while taking small steps forward to establish trust. To make small talk, you just have to know how to make a person comfortable, politely ask questions, share something about yourself, and to keep up a steady flow of conversation. Use new people's names in conversation. This will make them feel like they matter to you. Use cues to start a conversation. If the person is wearing a 49ers hat, you can ask if that's his favorite sports team, or how he became a fan. You can make a simple statement followed by a question. For example, you can say, "Man, the rain kept me in all weekend. I had to help my mom out with a bunch of chores. How about you? Did you do anything more exciting?"

Work on reading people. Reading people is a social skill that can help you make better conversation and to come out of your shell. Having a sense of whether a person is excited and ready to talk or distracted or in a bad mood can help you figure out what to talk about -- or whether or not you should talk to the person at all. Understanding group dynamics is a must, too; does the group of people have a ton of inside jokes and have more difficulty accepting outsiders, or are the people up for anything? This can help you figure out how much to put yourself out there. If someone is smiling and walking slowly like she has no place to go, then yeah, she'd rather talk to you than someone who is sweating bullets, furiously scrolling through his text messages, or walking a mile a minute.

Focus on the moment. When you're talking to people, focus on what is happening: the nature of the conversation, the expression on the person's face, what everyone in the conversation is contributing, and so on. Don't fret about what you said five minutes ago or about what you'll say in five minutes when you have a chance to step in with a comment. Remember the part about letting go of your self-consciousness? Well, that applies not only to your everyday thoughts, but especially to your mindset during a conversation. If you're too busy worrying about everything you've said or will say, then you'll be less likely to pay attention or to make a meaningful contribution to the conversation. If you're distracted or nervous, other people will be able to tell. If you notice yourself getting really distracted or worried about the conversation while you're having it, then count your in and out breaths to yourself until you've counted to 10 or 20 (without losing the thread of the conversation, of course!). This should make you more aware of the moment and less obsessed over the other details.

Making It Stick

Start saying "yes" and stop with the excuses. If you want to make a habit of coming out of your shell, then it's not just about mastering your social game in the moment. It's about making a habit of hanging out with people, attending new events, and keeping your social life active. You may say no to things because you're afraid of social situations, don't want to feel awkward if you don't know enough people at the event, or because you'd just rather hang out by yourself than with other people. Well, the excuses stop today. The next time someone asks you to do something, ask yourself if you're just saying no out of fear or laziness, and not for a legitimate reason. If it’s fear keeping you in, say “no” to the fear and go out! You don't have to say yes to going to the "bug lover's" club of the random girl in your homeroom or to absolutely everything you're asked to do. Just make a goal of saying yes more often. You can do that.

Extend more invitations. Part of coming out of your shell isn't just accepting to do what others want to do, but to start planning your own stuff, too. If you want to be known as a more social person, and one who is willing to put him or herself out there, then you should be the one to take the initiative some of the time. Even if you're just inviting people over to order pizza and watch Scandal, or asking a friend from class to go grab a cup of coffee, you'll be known as a person who has stuff going on. Sure, that 'ol fear of rejection may be creeping up again. People may say no, but that'll be because they're busy, most likely. Plus, if you invite people to stuff, then they'll be more likely to invite you to do stuff.

Know that you can't change completely. If you're an incredibly shy, introverted person, then yeah, it's unlikely that you'll be a big chatterbox after a month. Introverted people can't really become true extroverts, especially overnight, but they can certainly modify their behavior and attitude. Besides, you don't have to be a complete extrovert or to be the most outgoing person in the room to come out of your shell and emphasize your best qualities. That is, don't be frustrated if you can't get yourself to start dancing on tables and charming everyone in sight. You may not want that anyway.

Remember to recharge your batteries. If you're the type who is a definite introvert, then you'll need time to recharge your batteries after a social interaction or just because. Classic extroverts gain their energy from other people, while introverts actually get drained from being around other people. And if your battery gets drained, then you need to refuel by giving yourself a few hours to be alone. Though you may be set on making your social calendar more packed, always remember to plug in some "me time," even if it feels inconvenient.

Find your people. Let's face it. At the end of the day, you may never be able to come out of your shell to a perfect stranger. However, as you get more comfortable with coming out of your shell, you can find the people who really get you and who really make you comfortable. Maybe it's just a group of your five close friends who really let you let loose, sing like an idiot, and dance to "The Macarena." But this core group can help you put yourself out there when it comes to the general public. Finding your people will help you feel more comfortable with yourself, gain confidence, and to come out of your shell in the long run. What could be better than that?

Grow from discomfort. If you have trouble coming out of your shell, then it may be because you tend to leave the room whenever you get uncomfortable. If you find yourself in a social situation where you don't know many people, don't have much to contribute to a situation, or just feel out of your element, then you may tend to leave, make an excuse for going home early, or just quietly back away from the scene. Well, no more walking away when the going gets tough -- instead, revel in your discomfort and you'll see that it's not as bad as you think. The more you make being out of your element a habit, the less you'll worry the next time it happens. Just take a deep breath, tell yourself it's not the end of the world, and find a way to make conversation -- or just to look like you're having a good time.