Determining Why You Feel Uncomfortable
Think about the times when you feel uncomfortable around your boyfriend. It will be helpful to write these times down on a piece of paper or in a notebook so that you can find patterns. Are you uncomfortable when it is just the 2 of you? Are you uncomfortable when the 2 of you are with other people? If so, what other people? Friends? Parents? Siblings? Are you uncomfortable when you hang out or have a date at home? Are you uncomfortable when physical contact occurs? Are you uncomfortable when talking about controversial topics, like politics?
Figure out what it is that makes you feel uncomfortable in those times. Once you have determined a pattern of times when you have felt uncomfortable around your boyfriend, try to pinpoint exactly what about those situations caused you discomfort. Was it that the 2 of you were alone with no distractions when conversation ran out? Was it that you were worried about what might happen when the 2 of you were alone? Are you concerned that your parents, siblings, or friends do not like your boyfriend? Does it bother you the way your boyfriend behaves when other people are around? For example, does he show off or brag on those occasions? Do you not yet feel comfortable with any kind of physical intimacy, including holding hands, hugging, or kissing? Does it bother you when your boyfriend talks about things like religion or politics? If so, why does it bother you? Do you have different views from him? Are you not confrontational? Do you want to avoid an argument? Does your boyfriend make you feel unsafe? Do you feel like you cannot trust your boyfriend? Is this due to past or current infidelity (cheating) or a lack of commitment?
Create a plan of action to address the issue. Once you have determined why you feel uncomfortable around your boyfriend, you need to do something about it. Come up with a plan to address the issue. Communicate to him that you feel nervous and a little uncomfortable. Chances are, he feels the same way, and discussing it will help both of you feel more comfortable. Spend more time getting to know him. Carefully talk to him about how he acts when other people are around the 2 of you. Let him know that you like him for who he is and that you want him to be himself, because others will like him, too. Let him know that you do not like talking about certain topics and explain why. Suggest more dates out in public rather than at home. Explain to your boyfriend that you want to take the relationship slowly and are not yet ready for a lot of physical intimacy. Consider whether you need to end the relationship, in the event that your boyfriend makes you feel unsafe in some way.
Being Yourself Around Your Boyfriend
Show your true personality and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Some people think that they have to act like someone else to get a person to like them, or always be on guard to protect themselves. However, this is really just tricking that person into thinking you are someone that you are not and never allowing them to get to know the real you. Be willing to let your guard down and let your boyfriend know the real you. Show your boyfriend your real personality by sharing your interests and hobbies, sharing jokes that you think are funny, sharing what type of music you like, and acting in a way that feels comfortable for you. Share your hopes, dreams, and fears to practice being vulnerable around your boyfriend. Do not apologize for who you are! If your boyfriend does not understand or appreciate your personality, then perhaps he is not the right guy for you to be dating.
Express your creativity. Although some people claim to not be creative at all, everyone is creative in unique ways. If it feels challenging for you to communicate verbally, another way to get comfortable around your boyfriend is to express yourself creatively. Show him artwork that you created, songs that you wrote, poetry that you wrote, and things of that nature. If you are into technology, you could tell him about a video game, website, or app that you are designing.
Feel confident about your appearance. Girls especially struggle with this. There is often a feeling of always needing to look perfect when around your boyfriend. However, displaying confidence even when you do not look perfect helps you to relax around him. If you are a girl, do not be afraid to spend time with him without any makeup. In fact, many boys and men prefer the way girls and women look without makeup as opposed to with it. Wear clothing that feels comfortable to you. You do not always have to dress to impress; wearing jeans and a t-shirt or even sweatpants, if you are hanging out at home, is perfectly acceptable.
Become friends with your boyfriend. One of the most important aspects of any relationship is friendship. The strongest couples are also friends, so if you were not already friends with your boyfriend prior to dating, then build a friendship with him. Especially when first starting to date someone, it is tempting to act differently around him than you would around your friends. However, showing him the personality and side of yourself that your friends see will help you to feel more comfortable around him more quickly.
Getting to Know Your Boyfriend Better
Spend more quality time with your boyfriend. Part of becoming more comfortable around him is going out of your way to spend more quality time with him. Make plans with him in settings that feel comfortable to you, whether you hang out one-on-one or with a group.
Ask him questions about himself that you are also willing to answer. If you and your boyfriend were not already friends when you began dating, then you likely do not know much about him yet. Take time to get to know him better so that you have a better understanding of who he is as a person. Make sure that you are willing to answer any question you ask him so that he can get to know you better as well. “What is your favorite memory from your childhood?” “What is your family like?” “What is your favorite thing about your family?” “What is your favorite genre of music?” “What do you do when you feel too stressed out?” “If money were no object, what would you do with your life? Why?” “If you could go on a vacation to anywhere in the world, where would you go? Why?” “Have you traveled much? Where have you gone?” “What is your favorite hobby?”
Answer his questions about you honestly. Another contributing factor to your nervousness around him might be that you are still trying to put on a certain persona. When he asks you questions about yourself, be sure to answer honestly. Not only will this build trust, but it will also give you the opportunity to be yourself and allow him to like you for who you really are. It is never a good idea to build a relationship on secrets and lies. Think about how you would feel if you found out that he lied to you about himself.
Participate in activities related to your shared interests. Both of you will feel more at ease when your dates are planned around something you both enjoy. Discuss with your boyfriend what types of activities you both enjoy and would have the most fun doing. Go see a movie you both enjoy. Go to a concert for a band or artist you both like. Play a board or video game that you both love. Attend a group date with mutual friends.
Giving the Relationship Time
Allow your feelings for him to grow. Unless you were already friends or knew him pretty well before you started dating, you probably need to give yourself time to allow your feelings for your boyfriend to grow. Most people do not fall in love instantly. “Love at first sight” is not true for many couples. Of course, you should not be in a relationship with someone that you do not even like, but do not expect to immediately feel comfortable and in love with him at the start of the relationship.
Reflect on what brought you and your boyfriend together. Was it a shared interest or passion? A hobby you both enjoy? Try participating in this interest together and looking for new activities you both enjoy to help grow your relationship. For example, maybe you met your boyfriend at a comic book convention and found that you have a shared love of anime. Look for ways to build on this interest, such as watching new anime shows together and talking about them. Or perhaps you met your boyfriend at a concert and learned you have very similar tastes in music. Get tickets to go to another concert together or listen to a favorite band’s new album together.
Give him time to change. If you discovered that you felt uncomfortable because of your boyfriend's behavior, then give him time to change it. Some people are not interested in changing who they are or their behavior. If you find that this is the case with your boyfriend, then you will have to consider whether you can continue to endure the behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable. Perhaps he was doing something that he thought you liked or wanted him to do, like showing off in front of others. When he learns that you would rather he not do that, he will want to change that to make you happy.
Trust your boyfriend. Building trust takes time. However, when you consider the “innocent until proven guilty” philosophy, it is helpful to trust your boyfriend until he gives you a reason not to do so. This will be hard when you are someone who has been badly hurt (emotionally) in previous relationships, especially ones in which your trust was betrayed. However, your new boyfriend did not do those things to you, and he deserves to have your trust, at least until he does something to lose it. You will find yourself relaxing around him more and feeling more comfortable when you allow yourself to trust him. Additionally, he will feel more comfortable knowing that he has your trust, which helps the relationship.
Enjoy getting to know him and growing your relationship. While it is true that some couples have very few issues, no relationship is perfect. It will take some time for the 2 of you to work out the kinks and learn how to best make each other happy. Oftentimes, getting comfortable with your boyfriend simply takes time. The more time you spend around him and spend getting to know him, the more comfortable you will be eventually. Being in a relationship with someone is a fun and exciting experience. When you truly like and care for someone, you should show your investment in the relationship by putting in the effort to make it better. This has the fortunate effect of helping you to feel more comfortable with the relationship.
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