Staying Calm
Evaluate your dislike. Understanding where your dislike of the person comes from can help you avoid specific situations that may exacerbate your feelings. Ask yourself both, “What do I dislike about this person?” and “Why do those traits or behaviors bother me?” Consider whether those traits truly impact you. For example, if you find a coworker or peer to be arrogant, think about whether their attitude truly has a negative impact on you. Do they take credit for your work, for example? Or do they simply have trait you do not like? Make a concerted effort to not focus on traits that do not have a direct impact on you. Remind yourself, “This person’s actions do not have any impact on me and it is not worth my time to negatively focus on them.”
Take a breath. Calm yourself by taking a deep breath and refocusing your attention away from that individual. Breathe in slowly for a count of three, hold your breath for two seconds, and breathe out for another three count. As you breathe, focus your attention back on your own goals and challenges for the day, and let that other person slip from your thoughts. Repeat the cycle as necessary throughout the day to help you keep calm.
Disconnect yourself. Do not sacrifice professional or academic priorities to avoid this person. However when the situation doesn’t necessitate interaction, keep calm by simply disconnecting from the conversation. You may opt to not pick up the phone or respond to that person’s email or text message at that time. Do make an effort to respond eventually when you have a clear head. If you must interact with this person on occasion, it is best to be polite. Do not lie or make excuses about why you waited to respond. Simply say, “I apologize that it took me so long to respond,” and continue with your message.
Stay neutral. When you dislike someone, it can be easy to further upset yourself by trying to find things to dislike about the person. Remind yourself that you have the option to stay neutral regarding that person’s actions or decisions. Do not let your dislike turn into a grudge. When you find yourself looking for more reasons to dislike this person, remind yourself that it is alright to not connect with someone, but it only hurts you to find other things that bother you.
Resolve your dislike. Keep your calm in the long term by simply addressing what you dislike directly if you think it can be resolved. If you dislike someone because they treated you poorly at some point, for example, let them know, "I would like to talk about this situation so that we can put it behind us." When you speak with this person, try to avoid accusing them or casting blame. Instead, stick to statements regarding facts and your own feelings. Rather than saying, "You tried to hurt me down by asking me to leave," let them know, "It was hurtful when you asked me to leave because I was excited about this activity, as well." Allow the other person to share their thoughts and feelings on the situation as well. Understand that your perception of the situation might not reflect their perception or intentions. Leave your mind open to hearing their side of the story, as well. Agree upon a resolution. Perhaps you want to be friends now. Perhaps you don't want to socialize, but you will agree to stop saying hurtful things about one another. Find a solution that works for you and the other person, and agree on it once you feel you have addressed the underlying issue.
Being Polite
Acknowledge the person. You may not like them, but there is no need to vilify them. If the person you dislike tries to strike up a conversation with you, be willing to say, “Hello,” and wish them a good day before you leave the conversation. You do not have to be friendly, but remember it is common decency to be polite to others. If you do not feel like talking to this person, try saying, “I’m afraid I don’t have time to talk right now, but I hope you have a wonderful day.” Do not avoid calls, emails, or other communication that may impact your work or school activities. Remember in those moments that your work is important to you, and it is not worth sacrificing over personal distaste.
Be inclusive. Do not exclude this person from group functions or interactions regardless of your feelings. If there is a school or work event that is open to everyone, reach out to this person to ensure they feel welcome. If you are making a lunch run or grabbing supplies for a group project, remember to ask this person if they need anything. This way, you don’t have to engage in an extended conversation but you still ensure they feel included. Know that you have the option to not include this person in personal events such as get-togethers with friends or birthday parties, but understand that you should not exclude them from larger group events.
Avoid gossip. It is normal to want to express your feelings when you dislike someone, but remember that word could get back to them if you talk behind their back. Try to avoid disparaging this person, even when they are not around. If there is a truly harmful interaction between the two of you, don’t resort to gossiping about them. Instead, report this to your manager, teacher, or another party who may be able to help mediate. If there is a moment that was not harmful to either of you, but that you truly feel the need to discuss, present it to someone who does not know or share an environment with this person. Try to avoid allowing your negative feelings into their life.
Offer to help. If the reason this person bothers you is because they are constantly asking you for assistance, to check their work, or to go over something again, offer to help them. Take the time to teach them the processes they need to know to contribute to the project. This not only helps them, but may also help you minimize future interactions. Set up a tutoring session and take them through whatever processes they need to learn step-by-step. Take that time to show them where they can find informational resources, either online or through print material to which they have access, that may help them answer their own questions.
Smile through it. There may be times, such as seeing an ex at a mutual friend's gathering, where you feel obligated to act cordial toward the person you dislike. In those situations, it is best to smile, politely say hello, and talk only as much as you can take. There is no need for you to interact beyond pleasantries, especially if it is going to cause you mental anguish or an emotional outburst. Spare yourself and those around you by simply saying, "It was nice to see you," and walking away. If the two of you are participating in something together, divide up duties. If you are both working at a table for an event, for example, have them go out into the crowd and draw people in while you stay and man the table.
Leaving Conversations
Politely excuse yourself. You do not have to stay involved in a conversation with someone you do not like, but you should not simply blow them off. Politely excuse yourself from the conversation by letting that person know that you have other matters that also need your attention at that moment. Let them know something like, “It was nice to catch up, but I have to excuse myself. I have some pressing matters that I need to take care of.” Remember that you are not obligated to disclose any information that you do not want. If they start asking about your personal life or plans that you do not want to talk about, simply let them know, “I’m not comfortable talking about that right now.”
Avoid lying. Making up excuses might seem like the easy way to get out of conversation or social obligation with this person, but lying is not only improper, it creates a burden for you since you have to remember the story and possibly create further fabrications. Avoid lying and instead be polite but honest when speaking with this person. If this person asks you to hang out, for example, you don’t need to say, “No, because I don’t like you.” Instead, opt for an honest but less offensive response such as, “I don’t feel like hanging out tonight.”
Don’t make false promises. When you are trying to be polite, it can be tempting to make promises such as, “Not now but definitely another time,” or, “I can’t talk right now but I’ll text you later.” Try not to make promises you do not intend to follow through on. This is both disrespectful to the other person, and may encourage them to come around later trying to engage you. Instead of making false promises, simply stop your statements short. Try, “I don’t think I can tonight,” instead of, “I don’t think I can tonight but maybe next week.”
Avoiding Harm
Alert an authority figure. If your dislike of this person comes from them antagonizing or displaying potential harmful behavior toward you, do not be afraid to stand up for yourself. Let an authority figure know, whether that be your teacher, your boss, or the police, if necessary. Explain the situation to them and let them know what this person has done to make you feel threatened or harmed. Try to stick to facts and accounts of actions as much as possible. If you regularly encounter this person and worry about potential further harm through extended contact, request to be put in a situation that involves little to no contact with this person. This may include transferring desks, shifting part of your job duties, or moving to another class.
Remember your own value. If you do not like a person because they disparage you or put you down, remember that this individual is expressing a personal opinion, not stating fact. Remind yourself of your own value and worth, and allow your positive thoughts to replace their negative input. Trying making a list of three to five things that you like about yourself to help remind yourself of your positive traits. List not only the items, but why they are important and how they help you in your daily life. If this person is antagonizing you over something they know is a larger issue in your life, you may want to seek professional assistance such as therapy to help you deal with not only this person but your matters in a healthy way.
Say no. If an antagonistic person tries to talk to you, make plans with you, or in any other way engage with you, do not be afraid to tell them no. Let them know, “I do not think you are a positive force in my life and I do not want speak with you.” Know that you have the power and the authority to say no at any time. If this person occupies a position of power in your life it may seem difficult to get away from them, but know that you always have the option to tell them no or remove yourself from the situation.
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