- Ethically nonmonogamous (ENM) relationships allow sexual, emotional, or romantic intimacy between more than two people, with everyone’s full consent.
- There are many types of ENM relationships. Some allow many romantic partners at once, while others only permit limited intimacy outside a primary relationship.
- Signs an ENM relationship is right for you include wanting to explore your sexuality, desiring multiple partners, and feeling that monogamy isn’t for you.
Definition
ENM relationships permit intimacy with other partners. Intimacy can include anything from flirting, to occasional sex, to having long-term romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time—with everyone’s full knowledge and consent. This makes ENM relationships different from monogamous relationships, where intimacy, sex, and romance are shared with only one person at a time. ENM relationships are also referred to as “consensually nonmonogamous” (CNM) relationships. These terms are interchangeable. People in ENM relationships set boundaries and rules on what kinds of intimacy are allowed with other partners—including when, where, and with who intimacy can be shared. For instance, an ENM couple might permit sex with other partners during threesomes, but not separately. Or a “solo” ENM person may date multiple people, but only become romantically close to 1 or 2 of them. ENM is practiced by adults of all gender and sexual identities, and of all ages and backgrounds.
Types
Polyamory: having multiple intimate relationships at the same time. These relationships can be romantic, sexual, or both. All partners are aware and approving of the other’s relationships, even if some people in the “network” of relationships aren’t romantically involved with each other. The term “polyamory” literally means “more than one love.” It comes from the Greek word “polus,” meaning “many,” and the Latin word “amor,” meaning “love” or “beloved.” Polyamory can be “hierarchical,” where some relationships are prioritized more than others, or “non-hierarchical,” where all relationships are treated equally. Some people practice “closed polyamory,” with multiple partners in an exclusive relationship. They’re “monogamous” with each other, so to speak, except that “each other” can include three, four, or more people, instead of just two.
Monogamish: intimacy with other partners is allowed, with limits. As the name suggests, monogamish couples are “kind of” or “mostly” monogamous. They prioritize their relationship and set very strict limits on what kinds of intimacy are allowed with other partners. For instance, a monogamish couple might allow each other to have one-night stands, but not ongoing relationships with other people.
Swinging: when couples engage in casual sex with other people. Married or long-term couples may allow “casual” sex with other partners or couples, with or without each other present. As with other forms of ENM, couples may set rules on what’s allowed, such as mandatory condom use. In swinging, there’s usually no emotional involvement with other people.
Throuple: a three-person relationship. In a throuple, all three partners are romantically or sexually involved with each other. This is different from a threesome or swinging, where a two-person couple might have a third partner join them for a sexual encounter. A “vee” is a three-person relationship where one person is in a relationship with two people, but those two people are not in a relationship with each other. A “quad” is the four-person equivalent of a throuple.
Polycule: a large group of romantic partners. Polycules may consist of multiple partners living together in a communal setting. Or partners can live separately but remain connected to each other, seeing each other regularly as a group. Polycules can be “closed,” where no one dates outside of the group, or “open,” where some or all members have additional partners outside of the group.
Open-relationship: partners permit sexual activities with other people. This is an umbrella term for nonmonogamous relationships. There’s no strict definition of an open relationship. Depending on the people involved, being “open” can mean anything from only having threesomes with each other and a third person, to placing no restrictions on sex whatsoever. Since this term is very flexible, an “open relationship” could take on any form, including polyamory, swinging, being monogamish, and so on.
Relationship anarchy: no firm rules around sex and relationships. Aside from respecting boundaries and consent, people who practice relationship anarchy might date or have sex with other people without defining relationship structures. There are no hierarchies or rules regarding who can have sex with who. This style of ENM only works if the person who practices relationship anarchy is considerate of other people’s relationship styles. Otherwise, there is a risk of violating someone else’s rules or boundaries.
Myths
Myth: ENM is cheating. In ENM relationships, partners give each other full permission to be intimate with other people. Partners set rules and boundaries as to what is allowed and what’s not. As long as there’s consent and everyone’s rules and boundaries are respected, no one in an ENM relationship is cheating. Cheating can still occur if someone violates a rule or boundary. For example, a couple might set a rule stating that they must inform each other about new partners. If one of them started dating someone new without informing the other, it would be considered cheating.
Myth: ENM relationships are unnatural. While most people practice monogamy, others naturally prefer to date more than one person at a time. What’s “natural” for one person may not be natural for everyone, and ENM relationships provide an option for people who find monogamy undesirable. Some people may practice ENM for a while, but later decide to be monogamous. This is a totally valid choice.
Myth: True love can only exist between two people. In fact, people can and do feel romantic love for more than one person at a time. While a person might choose to suppress those feelings out of respect for a spouse or partner, people in ENM relationships have the option of sharing romantic love with multiple partners. Expressing romantic love to other partners isn’t always allowed in ENM relationships. For instance, a monogamish couple might choose to emotionally prioritize each other, depending on the rules and boundaries they agree upon.
Myth: ENM relationships are unhealthy. Any type of relationship can be healthy, loving, and supportive. A person in an ENM relationship who practices good communication, honors boundaries, and treats their partners with love and respect can be just as happy and healthy as someone in a committed monogamous relationship. Of course, ENM relationships can become unhealthy, just as monogamous relationships can. To be healthy, an ENM relationship must be founded on love, work, sacrifice, compatibility, and shared values.
Signs an ENM Relationship Is Right for You
You want to explore your sexuality while maintaining a relationship. Maybe you’re happily married or dating someone, but you still want to experiment with other partners. You don’t want to break up, but having only one sexual partner feels too limiting. You might also be bisexual, pansexual, or simply questioning your sexuality. If so, an ENM relationship could allow you to explore your sexuality with a person of a gender other than your partner’s.
You want multiple romantic partners at once. Loving more than one person doesn’t seem weird to you. In fact, it feels right. An ENM relationship could allow you to express that love whenever you feel it, even when you already love someone else. Remember that your partners may feel love for other people too. You’ll need to be comfortable with their romantic feelings for others.
You suspect monogamy isn’t for you. Maybe you’ve tried it and it just didn’t make you happy. Or maybe you’ve been monogamous for ages and starting to have doubts. Whatever your reasons, you’re ready to try something different. You can still try an ENM relationship even if you’re happily monogamous. As long as you feel comfortable, you don’t need a reason other than curiosity.
You’re willing to set boundaries with your partners. You’re comfortable expressing your needs and setting clear rules for what’s allowed and what’s not. You’re willing to work together with your partners to find boundaries you can agree on. Boundaries can change over time. You can always renegotiate boundaries with your partner as your needs or interests have changed.
You’re comfortable with your partner’s boundaries. Depending on your specific relationship, your partner may set certain boundaries, and it’ll be up to you to follow them. Listen carefully to your partner’s needs and work through disagreements as they arise. If you’re not currently in a relationship, you’ll still need to respect people’s boundaries. Ask your partners about their boundaries and make sure you’re comfortable with them before you engage in a relationship or sexual encounter.
You’re not the jealous type. The thought of your partner kissing someone else, getting pleasure from someone else, or even loving someone else doesn’t make you uncomfortable. In fact, it might excite you or make you feel joy. Sure, you might still feel jealous sometimes or in certain situations, but it’s not an overwhelming problem. Experiencing joy from your partner’s pleasure is known as “compersion.” Think of it as the opposite of jealousy.
Advice for ENM Relationships
Communicate with your partners. Be honest about your needs, desires, insecurities, and motivations for pursuing ethical nonmonogamy, and listen to your partner’s needs as well. Check in regularly to see how everyone is feeling, if any rules or boundaries need updating, and so on. Hiding your feelings is a major red flag in any relationship, but especially in ENM. Being honest is necessary for building trust.
Read about ENM or talk to an expert, like a sex therapist. Educate yourself about different types of ENM, and the risks and benefits of having multiple partners. See a sex therapist with your partners—or alone, if you prefer—to learn more about safe sex, setting boundaries, and so on. The more you learn, the more likely you’ll have a good experience in ENM relationships. Ask a sex therapist or sex educator for books, podcasts, or other educational content on ENM.
Practice safe sex. Use condoms during penetrative sex to reduce the risk of STI transmission. Get tested for STIs regularly and share your results with your partners. Likewise, have your partners get tested regularly and always ask to see their results. If pregnancy is a risk for you or your partners, consider additional precautions like hormonal birth control.
Take things slowly, especially in the beginning. Be patient with yourself and your partners, especially if insecurities or unexpected disagreements come up. Avoid rushing into situations you’re not comfortable with, and don’t be afraid to change your mind if you realize a specific activity, partner, or relationship style is not for you. You and your partners will sometimes want different things in an ENM relationship. When this happens, don’t be afraid to recalibrate and set new boundaries as needed.
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