Being More Diplomatic and How It Benefits You

Using Diplomatic Skills

Adapt your communication method to the situation. The communication method you choose sets the stage for how your message will be received. Generally, use face-to-face conversations to convey something serious or important—not an impersonal medium, such as email or text. This helps the person receiving the message understand that you're taking their feelings into consideration. If you believe you communicate better in writing than face-to-face, you can always start the conversation in person and then finish it through a letter with the other person's permission. For example, you might say, "I hope you don't mind, but I've written a letter that I think explains my feelings on this. I find it's easier to organize my thoughts when I write them down." Writing a letter or email can be a great way to ensure that you get your message across without letting your feelings take over. But even in writing, be sure you're using tactful and diplomatic language.

Choose the appropriate time and place to talk. Setting the right environment for a conversation can dramatically increase your chances of a favorable outcome. Think about the emotions you want to convey and the tone you want to set. For example, you might choose a private conference room to make a business proposal rather than a crowded café. If someone tries to start a weighty conversation with you and you feel that it's not the right time or place, let them know. For example, you might say, "I'm very interested in hearing everything you have to say about this. Can we talk about it later when I won't be so distracted?"

Mind your manners and treat others with respect. When you're polite and courteous, you're less likely to offend. Think of basic manners as a baseline that communicates to others that you're respectful and considerate of their feelings. Make it a habit to introduce good manners into all of your conversations and people will naturally hold you in higher regard. For example, if you ask a colleague to meet you for lunch, you might thank them for joining you as soon as they arrive. After lunch, you might send them a text to thank them again for meeting you, mentioning something you really enjoyed about your time together.

Build rapport with small talk and mirroring. Small talk helps you find common interests with the person you're talking to—and the more you can relate to each other, the more they'll trust you. Mirroring their body language also helps them feel comfortable and at ease with you so you can build a stronger connection with them. Mirroring is something people do naturally when they feel a connection with someone. It can take some practice to do it intentionally. For example, while talking about sports, you might angle yourself to face the person you're talking to and cross your legs the same way they do. When chatting with the person, use their name periodically. This also helps establish an environment of respect and consideration.

Focus on the facts of the situation. To prepare for a discussion, think about what the actual facts are that support your position. Then, talk about those specific facts rather than your gloss on or interpretation of them. For example, if someone asks you what the weather's like, you would focus on the facts by telling them specific measurements, such as temperature, wind velocity, or humidity. If you instead respond, "It's beautiful outside today," that's your opinion of the facts. In a work-related context, the statement that a proposal was "effective" would be an opinion. The facts would be the evidence that has led you to the conclusion that the proposal was effective. Being focused on the facts includes admitting when you don't know something. People will appreciate your honesty and respect your answer when you come back to them after you've looked into it.

Use "I" statements to take ownership of your feelings. When you use "I" statements, you sound less pushy or dictatorial because you don't sound as though you're presenting your feelings as facts. This creates a more collaborative environment and signals to the other person that you want to better understand the situation from their point of view. For example, you might say, "I'm feeling uncomfortable with the decision you made in today's meeting." The discomfort is yours—bringing it up this way gives you room to explain to the person why their decision made you uncomfortable without blaming them for anything. When you start a sentence with "you," on the other hand, you come across as blaming someone. This can automatically put them on the defensive, setting the stage for a more antagonistic exchange.

Sandwich criticism with praise. People tend to be more receptive to criticism when you also tell them what they're doing right. This can be a great way to encourage someone to make improvements when they're otherwise doing a good job. For example, if you're reviewing a colleague's report, you might say, "You did a great job of highlighting the problems with this method. The section on alternatives could use some more sources and details. Otherwise, the format and structure are great!" You can use this in personal situations as well. For example, if you needed to decline a wedding invitation, you might write, "Congrats on your upcoming wedding! I know it will be a beautiful day. Unfortunately, I have a work event, but I wish you nothing but the best and will mail my gift to you." The "sandwich method" has faced criticism from people who believe it can undermine the criticism you're trying to make. Think about that beforehand and use your best judgment in determining whether it's appropriate in your situation.

Cushion harsher statements when you disagree. This is all about allowing the other person to back down from their point (or their resistance to your point) a little bit while still saving face. They'll intuitively recognize this as you conceding something, even though you're not. For example, you might say, "I might be wrong, but I thought the research for your project was rather weak. What sources did you use?" This gives the other person room to admit that perhaps they didn't research enough without feeling ashamed, and also allows them to come up with solutions to the problem.

Convey openness through your body language. When you sit facing someone with your arms open or at your side and your posture relaxed, it signals to them that you're interested in hearing what they have to say. Through your body language, you let the person know that you're open to their ideas or input. For example, if you're having a discussion with someone across a table at a café, you might rest your forearms on the edge of the table with your hands open and lean slightly toward the person to indicate your interest and openness.

Practice active listening when others are talking. When you listen actively, you show the other person that you're interested in and receptive to what they have to say. Do this by maintaining eye contact with the person and repeating back what you've heard once they've finished speaking. Make sure they're done talking before you jump in, rather than interrupting. For example, if your partner tells you that they didn't do the dishes because they had to take a phone call, you might say, "I understand that you had a phone call and couldn't do the dishes earlier. That makes total sense. Would you be willing to help me do them now?" Truly being diplomatic means listening more than you talk. Think of a conversation as trying to understand the other person rather than trying to get your point across.

Look at things from the other person's perspective. When you have a better understanding of how things look from someone else's eyes, you'll also have a better idea of what to say and what not to say to avoid offense. Stay curious and open so you can empathize with the people you talk to. For example, a farmer might love that there's rain in the forecast because it's good for their crops. Understanding this, you might not mention that you hope it doesn't rain because you want to go to a baseball game. Considering the other person's perspective also allows you to avoid unnecessary conflict by simply not bringing up something that might be triggering for them.

Ask open-ended questions to better understand what someone's saying. When you ask open-ended questions, you encourage the person to provide you with more details. This gives you an opportunity to learn more about the person and where they're coming from so you can tailor your response to them. Asking open-ended questions also shows that you're curious and interested in what the person has to say. For example, you might say, "I've always wanted to go to Greece. What did you enjoy the most while you were there?" In a school or work setting, you might say, "We got feedback that our report was thin on sources. What additional research do you think we should do?"

Search for common ground that you can build on. Keep probing deeper into what the person is saying to you until you find something that you agree with. When you find that point, emphasize it and ask them to expand on it. This can serve as a foundation for your future agreement. For example, suppose you're a big country music fan but your roommate doesn't like country music or want you to play it. By asking them open-ended questions, you discover that they do actually like Johnny Cash. With further questions, you might learn what they like about his music so you can suggest other artists they might like—and you can both be happy with the music choices.

Developing Diplomatic Skills

Stay in the moment and be aware of how you're feeling. One of the most important parts of being diplomatic is controlling your emotions. Being mindful and staying in the present allows you to recognize emotions when they bubble to the surface so you can acknowledge them and let them go in a healthy way. Meditation is really helpful if you're trying to improve your mindfulness. You'll find it much easier to be diplomatic if you commit to a regular meditation practice.

Practice deep breathing to help control your emotions. If you find yourself overwhelmed with anger, frustration, or any other negative emotion, try a deep breathing exercise to help calm you down. Take a break from the conversation to pull yourself together so you can continue the discussion once you're calm. You might also try a grounding exercise to bring you back into the present moment. For a simple grounding exercise, name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. When you allow your emotions to take over, you're much more likely to say something that hurts or offends the other person because you're in a reactive mindset. Getting in the habit of calming yourself will prevent this from happening so you can be more diplomatic.

Build your emotional intelligence. Someone who has good emotional intelligence always thinks about how their words will affect others before they speak. If this is something that's hard for you, don't worry—it's a skill that you can improve with practice. One way to build emotional intelligence is to people-watch at a park. Imagine how each person might feel based on their body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and other clues. Then continue to watch to see if their mood changes and note what told you that was so.

Work on your confidence. Being diplomatic also requires you to be assertive, which you can't be unless you have confidence in yourself. When you're assertive, you signal to the other person not only that you respect them but also that you respect yourself as well. This makes them, in turn, more likely to respect you. Improve your confidence by celebrating your past successes and setting realistic goals for the future. Repeating positive affirmations also helps give you a confidence boost. If this is something you have difficulty with and feel like you need a little extra help, talk to a trusted friend or family member, or to a therapist. They can give you the support and the tools you need to start feeling more confident in yourself.

Get feedback from friends and colleagues. People who've seen you in action can tell you what you're doing right and what you need to do more work on. They can also empower you to improve your diplomatic skills and support your efforts. For example, your partner might tell you that while you do get your point across, the way you say things sometimes hurts their feelings. Talking to them about what specifically bothers them can help you find a more diplomatic way to say what you need to say.

Learn all you can about the person you're talking to. The more you know about the person you're talking to, the better you can tailor your language to them. Understanding at least a little about who they are and what they value will help you be more diplomatic with them. This includes learning about someone's cultural or social practices generally. Some things that would be perfectly acceptable in your culture might be considered rude in theirs. When in doubt, just ask! They'll be happy to tell you and explain what it means to them. If you do unintentionally hurt or offend someone because of something about them that you didn't know before, simply apologize. Keep it in mind in the future so you don't make the same mistake again.

Slow down and think before you speak. People who are diplomatic consider the other person's potential reactions before they say anything—they don't simply blurt out the first thing that pops into their head. Get in the habit of silently counting to 3 in your head before you say something. During that time, ask yourself how your words would make the other person feel. It can be difficult to anticipate people's reactions if you don't have any practice doing it. As you build empathy, you'll find that you get better at this. Just take your time and try to imagine things from their perspective.

Aim for a win-win solution to any dispute. People often mistakenly believe that in any dispute there must be a winner and a loser. But if you're being diplomatic, you know that there's a third way—a solution that's beneficial for everyone involved and puts all of you in a better place. Instead of thinking of you and the other person as adversaries, look at it as though you're on the same team. For example, if you're a manager and need to coach an employee, you might remind yourself that it's in both of your best interests for the employee to perform well. Think of what you and the other person have in common and build on those commonalities to reach a healthy compromise that works for both of you.

Benefits of Diplomacy

Strengthens your reputation When you're able to be diplomatic, particularly in tough situations, people see you as a leader they can respect. You'll gain a reputation for being trustworthy and compassionate about others. You'll also likely get a reputation as someone who finds a way to get along with everybody, which can be an asset if you have to deal with diverse groups of people.

Builds new relationships and strengthens existing ones When you hurt or offend someone, you could damage the relationship you have with them—or risk losing it altogether. Using diplomacy allows you to form new connections and make the ones you have even stronger. Learning more about people, which helps you be more diplomatic, helps you bond with them as well. When people feel as though you understand them, they'll feel more comfortable around you and be more likely to put in a good word about you to others.

Enhances your communication with others The whole point of being diplomatic is to ensure that you've delivered the message you intended to deliver in a clear way so that it is perfectly understood. If you use language that hurts or offends someone, you run the risk of driving the discussion into a reactive, emotional place where your message can get lost. When you're able to communicate clearly, people will have greater respect for you. They'll also likely ask for your input more often, which gives you more opportunities to influence things.

Helps you avoid conflict Conflict often arises because someone said something hurtful or offensive to someone else. Once a conversation moves to a reactive, emotional place, it can be hard to get it back to calm, rational ground. If you're diplomatic from the beginning, things won't go there as often. Having diplomatic skills also gives you the ability to rein in a conversation when you can sense that people are getting too emotional.

Allows others to save face When you have to give someone else bad news or criticism, handling the conversation diplomatically gives them an out. Because you treated them with respect and compassion, they won't feel ashamed or belittled as a result. People tend to remember when someone was kind to them while delivering bad news or criticism, which makes this one of the easiest ways to improve your reputation through your diplomatic skills.

Empowers you to exert more influence When you're able to communicate your message in a diplomatic way, it's much more likely that people will agree with you. The art of diplomacy is, in many ways, about determining how to make the other person think they want the same thing you do. Because you're open to other viewpoints and ideas, you gain the benefit of a collaborative process that might result in something even greater than what you initially envisioned.

Enables you to find common ground When you're diplomatic, you listen more than you talk. Listening and asking appropriate follow-up questions allows you to learn more about the other person. The more you learn about them, the more likely you are to find things the two of you have in common. People tend to connect more to people they think they have a lot in common with. Emphasizing these commonalities when you find them helps you build stronger relationships with the people in your life.