Irrfan Khan Was 'Bitter, Furious, Sad', Spoke About 'Faces of Death' In His Final Days: Director Anup Singh

Irrfan Khan left a void in everyone’s life when he passed away in April 2020. The actor was battling cancer for two years before he lost his fight. While his wife Sutapa Sikdar and his son Babil Khan often remember him through posts on social media, Irrfan’s Qissa director Anup Singh penned a book on his bond with Irrfan, as part of his grieving process.

Titled Irrfan: Dialogues with the Wind, the book is set to release on February 14. Ahead of its release, an excerpt from the book was shared by Scroll, giving a glimpse of Irrfan’s final days in the hospital. In the portion, Anup recalled meeting Irrfan in the hospital, who was fighting his battle with a smile on his face. The filmmaker also shared the conversation they had at the time.

He recalled that during one of their visits, Irrfan was in pain and required morphine to reduce the pain. While Irrfan was aware he would be taking nap shortly after the shot, he requested Anup to stay around until he woke up. Once awake, Irrfan informed the director that he would be heading to London yet again for a few more tests. Anup offered to visit him in London and also invited him to Geneva with him. “That’ll be good. Especially for Sutapa. She needs to rest,” Irrfan said.

The conversation also revealed that Irrfan was thinking about death. “I do think, you know: where will I die? Here? In London? And, other than pain, who’ll be there? Will I pass while asleep? Pass? What a strange word. Pass to where?” Irrfan reportedly told Anup.

“Lying here, I try to look at my thoughts as they come and go. I do not feel I’m dying. The pain’s always there. There’s resentment. Anger. Doctor, nurse, medicine, trips to the toilet. But I do not feel I’m dying.” A little later, the actor added, “The many faces of death, Anup Saab. They keep me entertained and I breathe better and I even forget the pain. The many faces of death. So many faces. Sometimes it’s a light with some yellow and blue. Sometimes, blank. Many dreams. Many dreams.”

“Sometimes I’m scared. Not always, but sometimes. Angry also. Bitter. Furious. Sad. Sadness is the worst. What could be. What could have been. Now, I say to myself, keep looking. Scared, sad, furious. Keep looking. Don’t look away. This is you, still living. If this is not living, then what is?” he added.

Irrfan, who has starred in several Bollywood and a few acclaimed Hollywood movies, died on April 29. The actor was last seen in Angrezi Medium, which was released in March 2020.

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