Why Loneliness is Common in Men

Common Reasons for Male Loneliness

Many men have difficulty opening up to others. They may feel uncomfortable admitting their loneliness or seeking emotional connections. Some men also get uncomfortable when other men show emotion. This can make it awkward for men to be vulnerable with each other. Emotions are a taboo subject for many men, especially when they’re among male peers.

Some men have difficulty making and keeping friends. Men are socialized to be tough, independent, and emotionally detached. They have trouble expressing their feelings, showing affection, and being vulnerable—especially around other men. This can make it hard to form new connections with others, or to maintain existing friendships over long periods of time. Men are less likely to maintain their friendships through phone calls, texts, holiday cards, and get-togethers. Some men also lose touch with friends as they get older. Their friendships may fizzle out as the years go by, especially if they don’t make an effort to stay in contact with others.

Men’s friendships sometimes feel shallow or distant. Some men have lots of friends and acquaintances, but those relationships aren’t necessarily deep or intimate. They may avoid showing affection or platonic love. They might not share their struggles or inner pain. This lack of intimacy can make men feel lonely, even when they’re surrounded by people they know. Expressing love and being vulnerable aren’t seen as “manly” behaviors. The pressure to “be a man” can drive wedges between men, preventing them from forming emotional bonds with their peers.

Toxic masculinity makes men less likely to confide in each other. Admitting loneliness to a male friend could cost a man his reputation. He might get mocked by male coworkers or teased by male family members. While he may be suffering, he’d rather hide his loneliness than be humiliated for it. Toxic masculinity may also cause men to feel ashamed of their loneliness.

Married men often have fewer friends. They tend to socialize primarily with their spouse and children (if they have any). They also tend to lean on their spouse for emotional support. While they may love their spouse and children deeply, they also crave friendship and other forms of emotional connection, and feel lonely as a result. Leaning on their spouse can put a lot of pressure on their marriage. This can cause tension and conflict, which can leave men feeling even lonelier.

Some men work long hours or multiple jobs. 50, 60, or 70-hour workweeks leave them no time for relationships. Work-life balance isn’t an option when money is tight and bills are piling up. For some men, the only option is to keep working, even if it means spending most of their time away from their loved ones. Some jobs and careers are more isolating than others. For example, a forklift operator who works overnight may have fewer opportunities to socialize than a web developer who works from home.

Busy fathers might have little time for friends. Working and taking care of children is a 24/7 job, especially if you have a large family. Some men may have no choice but to devote all their non-working hours to their kids. Though this is honorable, it can take a tremendous toll on their mental health and makes maintaining friendships all but impossible. Single fathers may have it even harder since they don’t have partners to lean on.

Men are less likely to seek help for mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, and other mental health struggles can cause men to withdraw from their lives, leaving them isolated. Though these problems are extremely common, the pressure to “man up” can make it hard for men to ask for help or seek treatment. Mental health issues can make it difficult to hold a job, connect with a spouse, or keep in contact with friends and family.

Addiction and substance abuse can leave men isolated. While alcoholism and drug addiction are legitimate, treatable health disorders, they can take a huge toll on men’s relationships. Some men behave irresponsibly when they drink or use drugs, causing everything from rifts in their marriages to serious legal troubles. Over time, these behaviors can push people away. Substance abuse also takes up time and money, leaving less room for relationships. Addiction to gambling, exercise, video games, sex, and social media can all be damaging as well.

Physical health problems can make it hard for men to socialize. Heart conditions, breathing problems, obesity, chronic pain, and other common health issues can make it difficult to enjoy others’ company, or even leave the house. This causes some men to withdraw from their communities and social circles. Long-term disabilities can also make socializing difficult for men. For instance, some men use wheelchairs and cannot use certain public facilities. Others may require help with everyday tasks like eating and dressing.

How Men Can Overcome Loneliness

Keep in touch with friends and acquaintances. Text them every now and then, or DM them on social media. If they live nearby, ask them to get together for lunch, coffee, or beers, or to watch a game—whatever feels natural to you. Ask them how they’ve been, and listen with curiosity. Take an interest in their lives. Reach out to a variety of people, if possible. That way, you won’t depend on one or two friendships for support. Don’t get discouraged if some people don’t show interest. Not all friendships can endure for years.

Choose male friends who don’t display toxic masculinity. Opt for friends who are relatively comfortable expressing their feelings, and who don’t mock or tease people for showing emotion. A little teasing or joking isn’t always bad—sometimes, it can be endearing—as long as they allow you to be open and vulnerable. Remember that you don’t need to open up to every guy in your life. Having one or two close friends, who you can confide in, might be enough.

Let your family and friend circles overlap. Have your friends spend time with you and your family. Introduce your friends to your spouse so that you can all socialize together. If you and your friends both have kids, invite their family to meet yours. This can make it easier to maintain your friendships while balancing your responsibilities as a spouse and/or parent. If you and your friends are married, try to form friendships with each other’s spouses so you can socialize as a group. If you’re a single dad, consider joining meetup groups for parents, especially if your children are young. This could help you—and your children—make new friends.

Pursue hobbies and activities that allow you to socialize. If you’re athletic, sign up for a fitness class or local sports club. Join a local activist organization that supports a cause you believe in. Volunteer at a food bank during the holiday season—especially if you don’t have anyone to spend the holidays with. Choose something that puts you in the company of others and gives you a chance to form connections. If you’re religious, consider joining a house of worship or becoming more involved with the one you already attend.

Seek help if you’re struggling with your mental health. Reach out to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or other mental health practitioner to get the treatment you deserve. Depending on your specific situation, you may benefit from psychotherapy, medication, exercise, lifestyle changes, or a combination of these. You can also seek treatment for addiction and substance abuse. Search online for practitioners and mental health clinics in your area. Some may offer remote “telehealth” services, including psychotherapy and medication appointments via webcam. If you have health insurance, contact your health insurance company to find in-network providers whose services are covered. If you don’t have health insurance or cannot find an in-network provider, search for providers who offer “sliding-scale” fees.