How to Talk in an Arranged Marriage Meeting

Feeling Comfortable About the Meeting

Ask to meet at a place where you will feel comfortable. This is an important event so it’s normal to feel a little nervous. If you get to choose the place, pick somewhere that is convenient and a good place to talk. You could suggest a quiet cafe or coffee shop or even meet in a pretty park. You can say something like, "Would you like to meet at The Coffee Shop? It's quiet, comfortable, and has great drinks." If your first meeting will include the parents, it might take place at the home of one of the families. Ask for it to be your family’s home if that makes you feel more comfortable. Ask to change locations if someone suggests meeting in a place that you don’t care for.

Dress to impress. You want to show the other person that you are taking this seriously, so don’t be too casual. Dress up for the meeting, but don’t go over the top. Go for a look that is both simple and sophisticated. Avoid wild prints or ill-fitting clothing. If you are a man, consider wearing some nice slacks with a collared shirt. Don’t forget to make sure your shoes are in good shape! If you’re a woman, a nice dress is a great choice. Stick to a more conservative silhouette that isn’t too short or too tight.

Make a list of what you want to learn. The point of this first meeting is to see if you are compatible and feel a connection with the other person. That means you’re going to need to get personal! While it may feel strange, it is totally acceptable to ask a lot of in-depth questions. To make sure you don’t forget anything, write down all of the topics you want to cover. You can group your questions into categories like “family,” “work/finances,” “faith,” and “romance.” Once you have your categories, you can come up with specific questions like, “What are the characteristics that are most important to you in a spouse?” You can take your notes to the meeting with you if that makes you feel calmer.

Allow the parents to take the lead in a group setting. Many times, the first meeting will include both sets of parents and some other elder family members. If that’s the case, you won’t have to do much of the talking. The parents will take the lead in asking most of the questions. You can concentrate on listening to and observing your potential partner. Of course, you will need to politely answer all of the questions that you are asked. Try to smile and speak clearly.

Asking Important Questions

Make small talk to feel like you're on a more typical date. Even though this meeting might be stressful, try to relax and have a little fun. Start by chatting about something inconsequential, like your surroundings. You could say, "I love all of the fresh flowers in here! What do you think?" You can also try making an easy joke. If it's freezing cold outside you can say, "Lovely weather, right?" Many people dismiss small talk as shallow, but it's actually a great way to break the ice.

Start with low-intensity questions to get comfortable. While it’s important to talk about serious subjects, you don’t have to jump right into the big questions. Set a comfortable tone for the meeting by asking some fun, light questions at first. You can still get a sense of what the other person is like based on their answers. Some good questions to start with include: ”What does your perfect day look like?” ”What 3 people would you invite to your ideal dinner party?” ”How much time do you spend with your family?”

Ask deeper questions if you feel a connection. Maybe you can tell already that you’re not interested in marrying that person. In that case, you can keep the conversation light. But if you feel a spark, try asking some more serious questions. Try to get a feel for the person’s values and how they envision their life. You can ask: ”How important are love and affection to you?” ”What do you value in a friend?” ”What are your goals?” ”What is your biggest accomplishment?”

Strike a balance between questions and comments. Even if you're nervous, don't rely too closely on your list of questions. Take time to really listen to the answers and make comments in response. When you talk in between questions, it will feel much less like an interview. If the other person says that their career is one of their top priorities, you can comment about how you like your own job, and talk about both of your goals. Responding to their answers will also make the other person feel like you are really paying attention.

Give the other person space to ask you questions. Don't forget, they want to learn about you, too. It can be really easy to focus on checking the questions off your list. But pause in between topics so that the other person can ask you some of their own questions. If they seem shy or nervous, you can prompt them to ask questions by saying something like, "Is there anything you'd like to know about me?"

Save the most important questions for last. Once you’ve established a rapport, it’s time to focus on some really intimate questions. This might feel a little awkward since you wouldn’t normally say these things to someone you just met. But remember that this is normal and even expected in arranged marriage meetings. Ask questions such as: ”What role will faith play in your marriage?” ”How do you envision the division of labor in a marriage?” ”How do you handle conflict?” ”Do you see your spouse as a friend and partner?”

Speak at a normal pace so that it doesn’t feel like an interview. Even though this is an important conversation, try to keep your tone light and steady. Don’t fire questions off so quickly that the person feels like it’s a job interview. Take your time asking questions, pausing when it seems natural. When you’re answering questions, there’s no need to rush. Take a moment to think through your answer and then speak slowly and clearly.

Acting Confident and Genuine

Take deep breaths to calm your nerves. It’s okay to feel nervous. Before you start asking or answering questions, take some calming breaths. Inhale through your nose while you count to 3, then exhale softly out of your mouth while you count to 3. You can do this before you enter the meeting and at any time when you need a moment to collect your thoughts.

Maintain eye contact and good posture. When you are talking, make sure to look the other person in the eye. This will let them know that you are interested in hearing what they have to say. Make it a point to sit up straight. It’s a sign that you’re taking this important meeting seriously. You can also use facial expressions to demonstrate your interest. Smiling is a great way to encourage someone to keep talking.

Give honest and open answers. This meeting is to see if you two are compatible, so it’s important to be yourself and be honest. While it might feel uncomfortable to open up, be as honest as you can. Don’t say something just because you think that’s what the other person wants to hear. If there is a question that makes you truly uncomfortable, you can say, “I really don’t feel comfortable talking about that right now.”

Ask about the next meeting if you want to move forward. If you are interested in pursuing the relationship, make your intentions clear. Arranged marriages tend to happen pretty quickly, so there’s no time to beat around the bush. You can say something like, “I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you. I’d like to set up a second meeting. What do you think?”