Classic Doctor Jokes
Poke fun at the medical profession with a classic doctor joke. You’ve probably heard the saying “laughter is the best medicine.” But you may not realize that it’s actually true. Laughter boosts your immune system and protects your heart. So, administer a healthy dose of laughter with one of these classic doctor jokes: Doctor: “There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss.”Patient: “Oh no, Doctor. What’s the bad news?” Patient: “Doctor, I’m depressed. I feel like everyone hates me.”Doctor: “Don’t be ridiculous. There are plenty of people out there who have never met you.” What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats. Why does Internal Medicine have the funniest doctors? They know all the inside jokes. What do you call a lie told by a cardiologist? A fib. Why are pediatricians always agitated? Because they have little patients! Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.” Patient: “At least it’s not an ugly one.” I went to medical school with an incredibly ambitious guy who was obsessed with collecting skulls. He'd do anything to get a head. I just had a successful liver transplant operation. That surgeon really de-livered! How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but they'll need a consult, a second opinion, and then they’ll refer you to a specialist. I’ve got a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. The doctor says it's terminal. Doctor: “I’m sorry, but you only have five minutes to live.”Patient: “Five minutes?! Is there anything I can do?”Doctor: “Boil an egg?” Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles first.”
Short Doctor Jokes
Drop a short and snappy doctor joke to get a quick laugh. A quick quip is a great way to make someone laugh. These short jokes are the perfect length to let you get to the punchline—and the laugh—without delay: Patient: “Doctor! My son just swallowed a roll of film!”Doctor: “Let’s hope nothing develops.” Patient: “Doctor, my leg hurts. What should I do?”Doctor: “Limp.” Why did the doctor laugh at the X-ray? Because it was humerus. Patient: “Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. What should I do?”Doctor: “Pull yourself together.” Patient: “Doctor, sometimes I feel like I’m invisible.”Doctor: “Who said that?” Doctor: I’m sorry, but I’m afraid you’re very ill. Patient: Can I get a second opinion? Doctor: Sure! You’re ugly, too! Patient: “Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.” Doctor: “How do you feel? Patient: “A little down in the mouth. What do you call a medical student who graduated last in their class? A doctor. Doctor: “It looks like you have athlete’s foot.”Patient: “I wish.” What did one tonsil say to the other? Get dressed up. The doctor’s taking us out. Patient: “Doctor, my child swallowed a pen. What should I do?”Doctor: “Use a pencil.” Patient: “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.”Doctor: “Then don’t do that.” Patient: “Doctor, I broke my arm in two places.”Doctor: “Stop going to those places.” A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless. The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!” How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? The lightbulb has to want to change first.
Long Story Doctor Jokes
Build up a little anticipation for the punchline with a longer doctor joke. When someone does a good job of telling a long joke, they know how to commit to the bit and use dramatic pauses to build up nervous energy. When they finally get to the punchline, you laugh because it feels good to let out that energy. Try out one of these long doctor jokes when you’re ready to put on a show: A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination and says, “I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time.” The man says, “Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” The doctor looks down at the chart and says, “10…”The man freaks out. “10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?” The doctor shakes his head and says, “10…9…8…7…” An anesthesiologist is getting settled on a plane for a well-deserved vacation. Suddenly, a flight attendant calls overhead, “Is there an anesthesiologist on the plane?” Curious she presses her call light and explains she is an anesthesiologist and asks what she is needed for. The flight attendant responds, “There’s a surgeon in first class who needs his seat adjusted.” One day, a woman walks into a doctor’s office. She has a cucumber in her nose, a carrot in her left ear, and a banana in her right ear. “Doctor, what’s wrong with me?” she says. He looks at her and says, “You’re not eating properly.” One day, a man stumbled into his doctor’s office with a terrible cold. The doctor prescribed him some pills and sent him home. The man took the pills, but they didn’t help. When he went back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t help either. When the man returned the second time, the doctor told him, “Go home. Take a hot bath, and when you get out, open all the windows and stand in the draft.” The man frowned and said, “But if I do that, I’ll risk getting pneumonia!” The doctor nodded and said, “I know, but I can cure pneumonia.” The girl shrugged and said, “He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.” A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, “Hello, I want to know if there’s any sign that a patient is improving at all.” The receptionist asks, “What is the patient’s name and room number?” The woman replied, “Sarah Finkel, Room 304.” The receptionist responds by saying, “Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, if her blood pressure continues to improve like it is, then Dr. Cohen is looking to send her home on Tuesday!” The woman breathes a sigh of relief and says, “That’s fantastic!” The nurse says, “Are you a family member?” The woman replied, “No, I’m Sarah Finkel in 302. Dr. Cohen doesn’t tell me anything.” A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks what’s wrong. “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes,” the man complains. “Have you ever seen a doctor?” she asks. He frowns and says, “No, just spots.” One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room to get help. The doctor says, “Okay. Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.” The man yells, “But I don’t have the fingers!” The doctor says, “Why wouldn’t you bring your fingers?” The man gives the doctor a look and says, “I couldn’t pick them up!” One day, a man walked into a doctor’s office and told the receptionist he had shingles. She took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later, a nurse’s aide came out. She called his name and asked him what he had while leading him to the examination room. He responded by saying, “Shingles,” and she told him to wait in the exam room. Ten minutes later, a nurse came in and asked what he had. “Shingles,” he responded. She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. Before exiting the room, she told him to take off all of his clothes, put on a robe, and wait for the doctor. Twenty minutes later, the doctor entered and asked him what he had. “Shingles,” the man replied. “Where?” asked the doctor. “Outside in the truck,” the man responded, “Where do you want them?” A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.” Concerned, her mom said, “Oh no, honey. What happened?” A frantic man calls a doctor. “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” The doctor says, “Is this her first child?” Angry now, the man replies, “No, you idiot! This is her husband!” An internist, a plastic surgeon, and a pathologist on death row are about to be executed by the electric chair. The executioner takes the internist to the chair and asks if he has any last words. The internist shakes his head, and the executioner sits him down in the chair and turns on the switch to begin the electrocution. Miraculously, the chair doesn’t turn on; the internist is safe. “In my 30 years as an executioner, I’ve never seen this before,” says the executioner. “Today is your lucky day, I’m going to let you live.” The plastic surgeon’s turn comes, and the executioner asks if he has any last words. “Nope!” he says, with the slightest smile on his face as he eyes the chair. He is placed in the chair, and the executioner flips the switch, and another miracle occurs: the chair doesn’t turn on. “This is your lucky day,” says the executioner, astounded by the miracle that just took place. The plastic surgeon is free to leave. The executioner summons the pathologist. “Any last words, sir?” He shrugs and says, “The chair isn’t plugged in.” Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.” St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.” My friend and his rock band were playing a concert at the psychiatric hospital where he worked as a musical therapist. The audience was a little too quiet for his taste, so the guitarist decided to do something about it. He grabbed the microphone, pointed to the group, and yelled, “Are you ready to get a little crazy?” A lady goes to her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks her if she is having any problems. “Yes, doctor,” she says. “I have to fart a lot. Fortunately, no one can hear them or smell them. In fact, I’ve farted twice since you came in and they were silent and odorless.” The doctor nods and says, “I can treat this problem with an over-the-counter medication, a prescription, and a referral. The medication will help your body produce less gas. The prescription will help you recover your sense of smell. I’m giving you a referral to an audiologist to see if they can help you hear better.” During his check-up, a man asked his doctor, “Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?” The doctor looked down at his chart and replied, “I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now.” The man scoffed and said, “I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense.” The doctor replied, “Neither do I. My thermometer just broke.”
Dad Jokes about Doctors
Get as many groans as chuckles with a few dad jokes about doctors. Everyone loves to hate dad jokes, but then ends up laughing anyway. Here are a few dad jokes about doctors that are so bad they’re good: Doctor: “Nurse, how’s the little girl who swallowed a handful of quarters?”Nurse: “No change yet.” Never lie to an X-ray technician. They can see right through you. I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it. Why does the infectious diseases ward of the hospital have the best Wi-Fi? Because of all of the hotspots. How did the cat know it was sick? It wasn’t feline well. Why did the mattress go to the doctor? It had spring fever. How did the doctor cure the invisible man? He took him to the ICU. Why did Dracula go to the doctor? He couldn’t stop coffin. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!” Doctor: “When did that happen?” Patient: “When did what happen?” Why did the window go to the doctor? It had a lot of pane. Why did the woman go to the podiatrist when the heel of her shoe broke? To get heeled. Doctor: “Wow, that cut looks terrible. Do you want me to stitch it up?”Patient: “No, thanks.”Doctor: “Fine, suture self.” The plague, the flu, and the common cold walk into a doctor’s office. The doctor says, “What is this? Some kind of sick joke?” Patient: “Doctor, I think I’m becoming incontinent.” Doctor: “Can you hold on a second?”
Knock-Knock Jokes about Doctors
Tell a few old-school knock-knock jokes about doctors. Knock-knock jokes have been around since the mid-1930s and are one of the most popular types of gags. Take advantage of that popularity to get a laugh by telling a knock-knock joke about doctors: Knock-knock. Who’s there? Colin. Colin who? Colin the doctor! I’m sick! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Doctor. Doctor Who? No, that’s a TV show. I’m a medical professional. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Sarah. Sarah who? Sarah doctor in the house? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Minneapolis. Minneapolis who? Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away! Knock-knock. Who’s there? HIPPA. HIPPA who? Sorry, I can’t tell you that.
Doctor Puns & One-Liners
Try out a little wordplay with clever puns and one-liners about doctors. Pulling off a pun or one-liner requires a quick wit. But when one of these types of jokes lands, people still love to hate them. But don’t let that stop you! Try out one of these punny one-liners to see if you get a chuckle: If you want to hear about the new do-it-yourself orthodontist kit, you’d better brace yourself. I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain, but somebody had ripped the appendix out. I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. For years, I was against organ transplants, but then I had a change of heart. The funniest thing about transplant surgeons is that they can’t stand rejection. Bad doctor puns are hard to stomach. Conversations between brain surgeons can be mind-numbing. Conjunctivitis.com—a site for sore eyes. A friend of mine made so many rash decisions that he became a dermatologist. Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine, but CAT-scan. Medical students hate the test on kidney stones, it’s the hardest to pass. You can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely. It takes guts to be an organ donor. The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other. I totally forgot to go to my neurologist to get my memory checked. I have a rheumatologist joke to tell, but it's too inflammatory.
Doctor Jokes for Adults
Share a risqué joke to have adults rolling on the floor. Adults use humor to form bonds, smooth over differences, and diffuse tension. Sometimes, that means telling a more sophisticated, clean joke for adults or one that’s a little edgy or inappropriate for young people. Check out this list of adults-only jokes about doctors to see if any tickle your funny bone: Why is a colonoscopy so exhausting? At the end, you have nothing in the tank. Did you hear about the guy who went on a date with a beautiful cardiologist? His heart was racing the whole time. What do you never want to hear after you get a prostate exam? “Anyway, the doctor should be in shortly.” What’s one thing you never want to hear in the middle of surgery? “Didn’t I have a watch?” After a long conversation, my wife and I have decided that we won’t vaccinate our kids. We think a doctor would do a way better job. Why should you trust the surgeons who are repairing your slipped disk? Because they always have your back! A lawyer and a doctor are trying to decide who has the best job. The lawyer says, “My job is the best. People come into my office, tell me their problems, and pay me for my advice.” The doctor chuckled and said, “I got that beat. People come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes, and then pay me.” Two guys are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the butt by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs 10 miles to a small town and finds its only doctor. “I’m delivering a baby, so I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground.” The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. He cries out, “What did the doctor say?” The guy looks at him sadly and says, “He says you’re gonna die.” After finishing their patient’s checkup, the doctor asks, “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss?” The man nods and says, “I’m thinking about getting a vasectomy.” The doctor frowns and says, “That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?” The guy says, “Yes, we took a vote. They’re in favor of it 15 to 2.” What happens if a doctor steals somebody’s heart? They get cardiac arrested. Why do surgeons wear masks? So no one will recognize them if they make a mistake. Why did the doctor give up on inventing a new pill for erectile dysfunction? They decided the competition was too stiff. Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news. You’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.” A doctor walks into a staff meeting with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. A nurse looks up and asks, “Why do you have a thermometer behind your ear?” The doctor grabs the thermometer, looks at it, and exclaims, “Damn, some a'hole has my pen!”
Doctor Jokes for Kids
Give kids a case of the giggles with more family-friendly doctor jokes. Kids love jokes. Plus, telling them an age-appropriate joke helps them develop their communication and critical thinking skills. Share one of these kid-friendly jokes about doctors to give them a case of the giggles: When does a doctor get mad? When they run out of patients. Where does a boat go when it’s sick? To the doc. Why did the shark call the doctor after eating a clownfish? It tasted funny. Why did Santa’s helper go to the doctor? He had low elf-esteem. Why did the doctor tell the nurses to be quiet when walking past the medicine cabinet? So they don’t wake the sleeping pills. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now. What did the doctor prescribe the sick lemon? Lemon-aid. Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away? Only if you have good aim. Why do doctors bring red markers to work? In case they need to draw blood. Why did the pillow go to the doctor? He was feeling all stuffed up. Patient: “Doctor, my throat is sore.”Doctor: “Go to the window and stick out your tongue.”Patient: “Will that make me feel better?”Doctor: “No, I just hate my neighbor.” Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor? He kept feeling jumpy. Why did the bucket go to the doctor? He had a pail face.
Eye Doctor Jokes
Share a funny doctor joke to give your optometrist a laugh. Optometrists help correct your vision and treat any conditions or diseases of your eyes. Their specialty opens up a whole new field of jokes about eyes, like the ones below: Patient: “Doctor, every time I look into the mirror, I get sick to my stomach. What’s wrong with me?”Doctor: “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.” Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into his lens grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself. Why do eye doctors live so long? They dilate. Doctor: “I’m sorry, but you’re colorblind.” Patient: “Well, that came completely out of the purple.” Patient: “I always see spots before my eyes.” Doctor: “Didn’t the new glasses help?” Patient: “Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.” Why did the cell phone go see an eye doctor? Because it needed some new contacts. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor? He kept seeing spots. Why do people hate optometrist jokes? They just keep getting cornea. Patient: “Can I see my results, doctor?”Doctor: “Probably not.” Patient: “Doctor, I think I need glasses.”Teller: “You’re probably right. This is a bank.”
Medical Lab Jokes
Tell jokes about medical labs to make your doctor laugh out loud. Getting your results from the lab can be a little stressful. The good news is that your test results show that jokes about medical labs are 100% hilarious. Tell one of these medical lab jokes to help lighten the mood: Doctor: “Your test results have come back, and you’re as healthy as a horse!”Patient: “That’s great.”Doctor: “A horse with kidney stones.” Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”Patient: “24 HOURS! That’s terrible! What’s the very bad news?”Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.” Patient: “Did my urinalysis come back from the lab?” Doctor: Yes. Patient: What did they say? Doctor: “Urine trouble.” Did you hear about the biologist who grew human vocal cords from stem cells in the lab? The results speak for themselves. Doctor: “Your lab results show your DNA is backwards.” Patient: “AND?” What type of dogs deliver blood test results? Laboratory retrievers. Doctor: “Your tests are showing some bad news: Your white blood cells are elevated.”Patient: “What does that mean?”Doctor: “Up.” Patient: “Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!”Doctor: “Actually, not only from curiosity.” What do you get when you mix human DNA with mouse DNA? Kicked out of the lab.
Hospital Jokes
Sprinkle in a few hospital jokes to keep your material fresh. Spending time in the hospital isn’t the most fun you’ll ever have. Bring a little levity into your recovery time with one of these jokes about hospitals: I played hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU. Did you hear about the guy who went to the emergency room? They tried to save him with an IV, but it was all in vein. How is a hospital like a hot nightclub? People are dying to get in. A patient in the emergency room was filling out the admission form. After “Name” and “Address,” the next question was “Nearest Relative.” She wrote, “Within walking distance.” Why are so many hospitals named after saints? If I need a serious surgery, I want to go somewhere named after a person who’s famous for not dying. A doctor checks on their patient before surgery. The patient says, “Doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?” The doctor replies, “Yes, of course.” The patient gets a big smile on his face and says, “That’s great! I never could before!” While doing rounds at the hospital, a new nurse kept hearing a surgeon yelling, “Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!” Confused, he asked a colleague, “Why does she keep doing that?” They explained, “Oh, she likes to call the shots around here.” A man runs into an emergency room and shouts, “Doctor, my wife’s in labor! But she keeps screaming, ‘Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, can’t!'” The doctor pats the man on the shoulder and says, “She’s just having contractions.” An emergency room doctor asks their patient, “So, what brings you here?” The patient looks around confused, then replies: “An ambulance.” As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the doctor asked for my wrist, saying, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.” “Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked coyly. “No,” he said, “But it costs just as much.” How do doctors start every conversation with their loved ones? “Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…” Doctor: “You’re losing a lot of blood and need an infusion. What’s your blood type?”Patient: “B positive.”Doctor: “I’m trying, but you’ve lost a lot of blood.”
Funny Quotes about Doctors
Share some of the funniest famous quotes about doctors. The medical profession is a popular subject for comedians and other funny folks. Check out this list of the funniest quotes about doctors we could find: “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?” – George Carlin “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau “I’m not feeling very well… I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.” – Groucho Marx “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck “It's kinda scary when a doctor asks your price range.” – Tom Wilson “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.” – Samuel Goldwyn. “You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.” – Earl Wilson “My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.” – Joey Bishop “A doctor is a man licensed to make grave mistakes.” – Leonard Louis Levinson “First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” – Steve Martin “I filled out an application that said, ‘In Case Of Emergency Notify.’ I wrote ‘Doctor.’ What's my mother going to do?” – Steven Wright “Personally, I have always felt that the best doctor in the world is the Veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter… he's just got to know.” – Will Rogers “Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It’s like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: ‘Because of my mother.’” – Robin Greenspan “I was under the care of a couple of medical students who couldn’t diagnose a decapitation.” – Jeffrey Bernard
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