Communicating with Your Spouse
Accept that you and your spouse have different needs and desires. Whether your sexual needs aren’t being met or you’re not interested in having sex, acknowledge that your partner’s needs are just as valid. If rekindling your sex life isn’t an option, having empathy for each other will help you deepen your bond in nonsexual ways. You’re each entitled to your individual physical and emotional needs. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and find ways to compromise with each other.
Try to understand any causes of your spouse's lower sex drive. Your partner might not be interested in having sex due to stress, a medical condition, or medication that lowers their sex drive. Remind yourself that situations like these are beyond their control. It's normal to feel inadequate when your partner doesn't want to have sex, but do your best to offer support instead of taking things personally. For example, lower sex drive is a side effect of some medications, such as antidepressants. Circulatory disorders and other conditions can interfere with sexual arousal. Chemotherapy and other cancer treatments can cause weakness, nausea, diarrhea, and flu-like symptoms. Nerve, joint, bone, and muscular disorders and injuries can cause chronic pain. Stress, anxiety, and depression can also affect stress drive.
Consider how a lack of intimacy affects your spouse's emotions. If your sex drive is lower, try to understand that your partner might feel like you're rejecting them. Even if it’s not your intention, they might feel abandoned or that something’s wrong with them when you refuse their advances. You don't need to have sex with them just to make them feel better. Explain that you don't share their sexual desire right now, and ask them not to take it personally. If you're going through a physical or emotional struggle, mention that you could use their support.
Make yourself vulnerable instead of acting defensively. It’s hard to talk about problems in the bedroom, what turns you on or off, and feelings like frustration and insecurity. Start the conversation by telling your spouse that you want to be honest with each other without fear of judgment. Explain how you feel, and stress that you don't want them to think you're attacking or disparaging them. If you feel like your needs aren’t being met, try saying, “I love you, and I want us to be honest with each other. We haven’t been intimate, and it makes me feel insecure. Please don’t feel like I’m accusing you of anything. I just want to talk about how we can meet each other's needs.” If you have a lower sexual drive, try explaining, “I know I haven’t been interested in sex, and I don’t want you to feel like you’re to blame.” Talk about any physical or emotional obstacles you’re dealing with and say, “Even if sex isn’t an option right now, we can still find other ways to be intimate with each other.”
Try to approach the situation as a team. Avoid assigning blame when you discuss intimacy and sexuality. Emphasize that no one is at fault, and remember that it’s okay to have different needs and desires. Say, “I understand where you’re coming from, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m angry with you or blame you in any way. We’re in this together. If we work as a team, we can figure how to make this work for both of us.”
Set your intimacy goals together. Ask each other what you want your relationship to be like. Share your goals with each other, then work together to find a way to meet each other in the middle. For instance, you both might decide that your goal is to rekindle your sex life. You could work toward that goal by being open about sexual desires, scheduling more private time together, and trying new things in the bedroom. While it’s a difficult topic, being physically attracted to each other plays a role in sexuality. You might set goals like focusing on why you fell in love with each other, getting more physical activity together, and keeping up with hygiene and grooming. If having sex more often isn’t on the table, discuss ways that you can build intimacy in nonsexual ways, such as by having deep conversations, going on dates, and doing something kind for each other every day.
Look for a marriage counselor well-versed in issues related to sexuality. Not every marriage counselor has experience with sex therapy. Look online or ask your primary doctor for a referral to a counselor who’s trained and certified to help couples resolve issues related to sex. Try looking for a local certified counselor on the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) directory: https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory. Don’t think of counseling as a negative thing or a sign that your marriage is in trouble. Seeing a counselor shows that you both want to put effort into making your relationship the best it can be.
Discuss experimenting with an open marriage. While unorthodox, some counselors recommend structured extramarital sexual relations for some couples. Since it’s a complicated topic, it’s best to experiment with an open marriage in consultation with your therapist. It’s important for you and your spouse to be open about moral reservations, discuss sexual health, and to establish clear boundaries. If you and your spouse are already dealing with infidelity, work through the issue with the help of a counselor. You have a right to experience your emotions, but try to understand the situation from your spouse’s perspective. If you pursued an extramarital affair, acknowledge that it will take time to regain your partner’s trust. If your partner was unfaithful, try to understand that they’re human and have needs, even if those needs don’t excuse their actions.
Bonding in Nonsexual Ways
Develop and keep rituals together. Examples of rituals include going out to dinner every weekend, watching a movie or TV show together, and having a game night. Even simple actions, such as kissing each other goodbye or sharing an inside joke help build intimacy. You might have a game where you text each other whenever something funny happens during your day. Other examples could be brushing your teeth together, cooking together, or picking up a hobby or taking a class together. Creating enjoyable rituals can help you deepen your friendship with your spouse. Even if sex isn’t currently an option, you can still make your relationship more satisfying in other ways.
Start performing daily acts of kindness. The little things are even more important than romantic getaways and grand gestures. Try offering each other more compliments, sending a nice text or email while you’re at work, or leaving love notes in each other’s bags or pockets. You could surprise each other by making dinner or breakfast, or do a household project that your spouse would appreciate. You might have a conversation and specifically agree to do something kind for each other every day. Alternatively, you could just start on your own. Before long, your spouse will likely want to reciprocate.
Try to have a stimulating conversation every day. Try not to settle for predictable, robotic exchanges when you ask each other “How was your day?” Do your best to ask more specific questions, and show genuine interest in what the other has to say. Talk about your emotions, current events you’re passionate about, or ask for advice about a conflict you’re facing. For instance, ask specific open-ended questions such as, “What was the funniest part of your day?” or “What did Sam think about your project?" Avoid "Yes" or "No" questions like "Did you have a good day at work?" or "Did you see your friend?" You could start a thoughtful conversation with, “Did you hear about that new bill they’re debating in the state legislature? It really bothers me that voters won’t have a direct say on the issue. Do you think it should be on the ballot on the next election?” Try sharing your emotions and asking for advice by saying, “I’ve been so upset about this fight I had with my sister. How do you think I should handle the situation?”
Spend time together without distractions. Put your phones away when you have deep conversations, go on dates, and do other activities together. Unless you’re watching a movie or favorite show together, turn off the TV. While distraction-free time might be limited if you have kids, try to engage each other with full attention after their bedtime.
Exercise with each other regularly. Try going for walks or jogs together every evening, joining a group workout class, or picking up a new sport. These are great opportunities to spend quality time together in pursuit of a shared goal. In addition, physical activity can improve blood flow and increase libido. Being attracted (or not being attracted) to your spouse is a difficult subject, but getting active together can show that you both want to put effort into attracting each other. Knowing that someone puts effort into their appearance for you can be a major turn-on.
Reviving Your Sex Life
Schedule private time whenever possible. Identify your privacy issues, and take steps to solve them. If your schedules are packed, look for ways you can cut back on your commitments and prioritize private time with each other. If you have kids and thin walls, trying playing music when you have adult conversations or are intimate with each other. Privacy is hard to come by when you have kids. If possible, try getting a babysitter so you can go on a weekend trip or spend a night at a hotel.
Maintain your hygiene and appearance, and ask the same of your spouse. Dress well and maintain your personal hygiene to attract your spouse. If necessary, talk to your spouse about their grooming habits. It might be an awkward conversation, but talk to your spouse about grooming habits. You could say, “I know I’m guilty of wearing clothes that are overdue for a wash. If we both make an effort into looking and smelling our best, we might have better luck in the bedroom.” If you put effort into your hygiene and appearance but your spouse doesn't, be honest with them. Try telling them, “I love you, and I know this is a tough conversation. It bothers me that you wear the same clothes every day, or when you go too long without showering. I think it would help our relationship if you could put a little more effort into personal hygiene.”
Start with nonsexual physical contact. If you haven’t had sex in a while, therapists recommend sensate focus, which involves touching each other in intimate, but nonsexual, ways. Try taking off your clothes, massaging each other, and softly running your fingertips over each other. Touch each other, but avoid making contact with your genitals at first. The goal is to get comfortable with being naked with each other and coming into contact with each other. When you both feel comfortable, work up to more sexual forms of contact. Don't worry if it takes more than 1 session of sensate focus.
Be open about what you find pleasurable. Express that you want to share your sexual desires with each other without fear of judgment. Tell your partner about your fantasies, turn-ons, desires, and new things you want to try. Ask them to share their desires with you. Try saying, “We love each other and we’re married. We can trust each other with our fantasies and desires. I won’t judge you, and I hope you won’t judge me.” When your partner touches you and it feels good, let them know. If they need instruction, tell them how you want them to touch you, and ask them how they want you to touch them.
Try not to put too much pressure on each other. Keep your expectations realistic. Don’t set goals like having sex every night or even every week, and don’t expect for the experience to be mind-blowing when you’re just starting out. Take things slow, and emphasize that you’re both willing to be patient with each other.
Consult a doctor about medical conditions that interfere with sex. From chronic pain conditions to medications that lower sex drive, you or your spouse might be dealing with a physical limitation. Your doctor might be able to help you work through it, so ask them for advice. For instance, ask if they can recommend an alternative medication with fewer side effects, or if they have tips for management pain. If you or your spouse haven't already been diagnosed with a medical condition, your doctor might identify an underlying issue related that might affect sexual desire. If sex isn’t an option, don’t force it on yourself or your partner. Have patience, work on nonsexual forms of intimacy, and revisit sexuality in the future.
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