Identifying the Root of Your Inner Critic
Write down the limiting beliefs that your inner critic uses. Think about the messages your inner critic uses a lot. This will help you analyze what your inner critic is saying so that you can address the fear and pain behind its comments. For instance, you might notice comments like, “I’m never good enough/skinny enough/smart enough,” “I’m so stupid,” or “I’m going to fail like always.”
Try to remember the person who told you this about yourself. In most cases, your inner critic picks up its harmful messages from people you know or your interpretations of events that happened. This means these thoughts don’t come from you! Work on figuring out where you got these thoughts so you can differentiate them from your innate beliefs about yourself. Ask yourself these questions: Where did I first hear these words? Which people do I associate with these words and feelings? What happened that made me feel this way? Here’s an example: As a child, Quinn enjoyed dancing, but a fellow dancer told her that she didn’t have the right body type to be a dancer. This makes Quinn feel self-conscious about her dancing and her body. She might have thoughts like, “They’ll all laugh at me if I perform in public,” or “I’m never going to be lean enough to be a real dancer.” These thoughts are all coming from the initial mean comment from the fellow dancer, and they’re probably not even true.
Identify the fears that your inner critic is protecting you from. While your inner critic is hurtful, it’s also trying to protect you from pain. Something in your past makes your inner critic fearful that certain experiences will hurt you. Understanding where that pain is coming from may help you overcome it. Look for the possible fears behind your critic’s comments to figure out what you’re afraid will happen. Ask yourself these questions: "What am I afraid will happen if I don't listen to my inner critic?" and "What do I worry will happen if my inner critic stops saying these things to me?" Let’s say your inner critic tells you, “You’re so stupid! You’ll never pass an advanced math class!” What are your fears here? You may be afraid of getting yelled at by a parent, you could be afraid of having to repeat the class, or you may be worried about disappointing your teacher.
Acknowledge your inner critic's positive intentions. While it might seem like a paradox, your inner critic is actually trying to help you. Although it can still hold you back from reaching your full potential, its goal is to keep you safe. Try to recognize its positive intention and the benefits you get from it. This can help soften the blow from its comments. Think of ways your inner critic has been helping you. For instance, your inner critic might be trying to get you to study harder so you can make better grades and avoid getting yelled at. Additionally, it may be trying to help you get love from your parents or teachers.
Use journaling to reflect on what your inner critic says and why. Journaling is an excellent way to track your thoughts and feelings to better understand your inner experience. Give yourself permission to write down all of your thoughts and feelings as they emerge. Then, consider where these feelings come from and why you might be having them. Finally, reflect on what you wrote and try to find an epiphany. For instance, write in your journal every morning or in the evening before bed. Look for patterns and trends in the ways you react to your circumstances. Take note of both the times you engage in self-criticism and the times you're able to silence your inner critic.
Confronting Your Inner Critic
Challenge your inner critic with the truth. Your inner critic is operating on fear, not truth, so its perceptions may be off. Additionally, you may have misinterpreted the events in your past. Try to see things from a different angle so you can find the real truth in what happened. Ask yourself these questions: Which parts of my inner critic’s comments aren’t true? What is my real truth? How would this look to an outsider? Here’s an example: In the example above, Quinn might recognize that dancers come in all shapes and sizes, so the comments about her body size making her a bad dancer can't possibly be true. Then, she might focus on how her skills and experience as a dancer have earned her respect from other dancers.
Label your thoughts as thoughts and not truths. Don’t accept everything you think as a fact because they’re just perceptions you’re making in the moment. Instead, observe your thoughts and ask yourself if they seem truthful or not. This can help you separate fact from fiction when your inner voice is criticizing you. For instance, you might think, “I’m not going to try because I’ll fail anyway.” Counter this with, “When I try my hardest, I’m already a success.”
Talk to a therapist if you’re struggling or had a traumatic past. Dealing with an inner critic can be really hard. Additionally, sometimes your past is too traumatic and painful to face on your own. Fortunately, you can work with a therapist to help you recognize your inner critic and what it’s trying to say. Then, they’ll help you learn to reframe those thoughts. Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist or look for one online. Your appointments may be covered by your health insurance, so check your benefits before you go.
Changing the Your Critic’s Message
Reframe your inner critic’s comments so they’re supportive. Based on what you’ve learned about your inner critic, look for the neutral or positive truth about what it’s saying. Then, rephrase your inner critic’s statement with the deepest truth. Let this new statement inspire you to be your best self without the fears that hold you back. For example, let’s say you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not very smart.” You might correct this to “I’m really smart when it comes to my area of interest.” Similarly, your inner critic might say, “You’re too ugly to try out for a lead role in a play.” You might counter this with, “Everyone is beautiful in their own way, so I can’t be ugly. Plus, I’ve got a lot of training and experience that makes me a great choice for the role.”
Ask yourself what you’d say to your best friend in this situation. Imagine that your friend comes to you upset and tells you that their inner critic is saying these things to them. Consider what you’d say to comfort your friend. Then, say those things to yourself. For instance, let’s say your inner critic tells you, “You’re a fraud at work, and everyone knows it.” If your friend came to you about this, you’d likely say, “That’s not true! You’ve worked so hard to get this job, and you have all of the qualifications. I’ve met your coworkers and they seem to like you.” Try saying these things to yourself. It’s likely that you’re way meaner to yourself than you’d ever be to your best friend. However, you don’t deserve this kind of treatment.
Write a letter to your inner critic to help you overcome it. At the start of your letter, acknowledge that you understand what your inner critic is saying and where that fear came from. Then, offer your inner critic some compassion, like you’re consoling a friend. Next, tell your inner critic what’s really true and explain how you reframed the situation. Finally, list your strengths to help you feel more confident. After you write your letter, it’s okay to tear it up or burn it so that no one finds it. Here's an example: Dear Inner Critic: You keep telling me that I'm not attractive. I know that this comes from the pain I felt that time a girl at school told me I was ugly. I know you're just trying to keep me from getting my feelings hurt again. That was an awful experience, so I understand why you'd be afraid. However, that girl didn't represent everyone's opinion, and she was always being critical about everything. She probably just told me that so she would feel better. Now, I realize that everyone has good qualities, and we're all beautiful in our own way. I'm just as worthy of love and attention as anyone else, so I shouldn't hold myself back. I'm funny, creative, and smart, and I'm proud of myself. Sincerely, Me
Focus on your strengths to boost your confidence. Your inner critic typically focuses on your perceived weaknesses. Instead, recognize your strengths and celebrate what’s great about you. This can help you boost your confidence and resist your critic’s comments. Here are some ways to find your strengths: Think of times in your life when you were really proud of something you did. These incidences can be big or small. For instance, you may have helped a friend deal with a hardship or you might have repaired your bike on your own. Consider what these events reveal about you. List the nice things people have said about you in the past. What have they complimented you on? What did you do well? Send an email to people you trust, asking them to tell you your strengths. Then, look for commonalities between the different responses.
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