How to Mourn

Understanding Your Unique Grief

Know that everyone has their own unique experience with grief. According to clinical psychologist William Gardner, no one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. If you feel like you are reacting differently than other people, know that that is completely fine. Allow yourself to feel your own unique emotions and acknowledge your unique experience. There is no typical loss, which means there is not typical response to loss. Sudden losses, such as those due to trauma, accidents, or crime, may cause a stronger sense of loss (at least immediately) than more predictable losses, such as those due to terminal illness.

Acknowledge that there are many kinds of loss. Death is a loss we must all deal with at some point in our lives. However, it is not the only type of loss. You can mourn the ending of a relationship or the loss of a beloved pet. It could be the realization that a cherished dream will never come to fruition. Everyone is entitled to their own grief, regardless of the cause. Do not be afraid to mourn. Acknowledge your emotions as a natural response. There are many losses you may experience in life. No loss is “greater” or “less” than any other. You simply feel how you feel about loss, and that is okay. Other losses that may cause feelings of grief include leaving home, losing your health, losing a friendship, changing a job, moving away, graduating from school, or losing financial security. If you experience grief in response to an event like one of these, acknowledge that your response is natural.

Recognize that ‘stages’ of mourning do not really exist. Mourning is a very individual experience--this article just offers a guide of sorts to help you through what you may experience. Avoid expecting yourself to “progress” through particular stages. This can actually keep you from mourning the way you need to for yourself. Clinical psychologist William Gardner describes these 5 stages as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Keep in mind that these 5 stages were used to describe a person’s feelings regarding his or her own death and are not a theoretical framework for all grief or loss. References to these stages as universal stages of mourning or grief are inaccurate.

Distinguish between grief and mourning. Grief is the immediate, natural response to a loss of some sort. Grief includes your emotions and thoughts after you experience a loss. You cannot control your experience of grief. Mourning is a longer process that includes actively expressing your grief and adapting to the world after your experience of loss. It is an action that helps you process your grief. Many cultures and religions offer guidelines for how to mourn. Mourning is a process you can control to work through your grief. Grief may feel like a rollercoaster. One morning, you may wake up and feel at peace with what has happened. Do not get down on yourself if the next day, you wake up feeling sad again--grief comes and goes. There is no true time frame when it comes to mourning. Your grief may stay with you for weeks or months. The full mourning process may take years, even a lifetime.

Learn about the necessary “tasks” of mourning. Dr. J. William Worden suggests that we need to accomplish four “tasks” of mourning. These are different from conceiving of mourning as “stages,” since these tasks often must be completed simultaneously and can take years. These tasks are: Accepting the reality of loss. You must learn to accept loss as a reality both intellectually and emotionally. This can take time. Processing grief. Grief in response to a loss is a natural emotional reaction. It does lessen over time, but the time it takes varies depending on your own needs. Adjusting to the world after loss. There are a variety of adjustments that you may need to make after a loss, including external (such as living without what you lost), internal (questioning your new role in the world), and spiritual (finding new meaning after your loss). Finding a way to connect with your loss while continuing your life. Accepting loss does not mean you must never think about the person or other situation that you have lost. Instead, it means finding ways to honor the connection you had while embarking on life after the loss.

Recognizing the Symptoms of Grief

Acknowledge that you and others may not experience grief the same way. There are some common symptoms that people experience when they feel grief, but nobody experiences grief exactly the same way. Acknowledge your own feelings of grief while understanding that others may have different feelings or expressions. Expressions of grief vary widely not only between individuals but also between cultures and spiritual traditions.

Recognize physical symptoms of grief. Some common physical symptoms you may experience during feelings of grief include: Changes in sleep patterns Changes in appetite (loss of appetite or increase of appetite) Crying Headaches or body aches Weakness or fatigue Feelings of physical heaviness Pain Stress-related symptoms such as nausea, rapid heart rate, or insomnia Weight loss or weight gain

Recognize emotional symptoms of grief. Grief is emotionally complex and deeply personal. You may experience many of these symptoms or only a few. At times, you may feel overwhelmed by emotions and other times you may feel numb. These are all natural reactions to grief. Some common emotional symptoms include: Shock or disbelief Sadness, emptiness, or yearning Loneliness or feeling isolated Guilt or regret Anger Fear or worry Panic attacks Frustration Anxiety Depression Questioning your spiritual or religious beliefs You may also experience positive emotions, such as relief or peace, particularly if you have experienced a prolonged loss such as the death of a person with a terminal illness. These feelings can trigger feelings of guilt or disloyalty, as you may feel ashamed that you are experiencing positive emotions. Acknowledge that these feelings are also a natural part of the grief experience.

Recognize signs of grief in children. Children, especially those who are younger, may express grief in recognizable ways but also in ways that are less familiar to adults. Be on the lookout for possible signs of grief in children, who cannot always adequately communicate their feelings through words. These signs include: Emotional shock. The child may appear much less expressive of their feelings than usual. They may refuse to talk about the loss. Regressive or immature behaviors. The child may appear to “regress” to an earlier stage of behavior, such as needing to be rocked, experiencing separation anxiety, fearing going to school, sucking the thumb, wetting the bed, needing to sleep with a parent, or having difficulty completing tasks or activities that they usually do not have trouble with. Explosive behavior and misbehaving. The child may “act out” or explode with sudden bursts of emotion. These emotions commonly include feelings of anger, frustration, confusion, or helplessness. Misbehaving in ways that are not common for the child may be a way for him or her to try to assert some control over the situation. Repeating questions. The child may ask the same question repeatedly, even if given the same answer. This may signal that the child is having difficulty understanding or accepting the reality of the situation. Defensive behavior. This is common in early school-aged children to adolescents. Defensive behavior attempts to “distract” the child from his or her feelings. They may get more engrossed in schoolwork, socializing, games, or other activities. They may also deny feeling loss to parents or authority figures but feel comfortable talking about feelings with peers. Physical symptoms. Grief and anxiety often manifest themselves in physical symptoms, particularly in very young children. Symptoms such as headaches and stomachaches are common. The child may also have trouble sleeping and may experience loss of appetite.

Recognize signs of complicated grief. Sometimes, you may experience so much grief for so long that it significantly impairs your ability to function in daily life. While all grief is complex, “complicated grief” refers to a process of mourning that does not lessen feelings of grief over time, and may even cause worsening emotional trauma. If you notice these signs in yourself or others, especially if you have been experiencing grief for some time, consider seeing a mental health professional who can help you process your grief. Signs include: Focus on little or nothing other than your loss Extreme focus on or avoidance of reminders of your loss Prolonged denial of the loss Feeling that life is meaningless or purposeless Inability to trust others Inability to think about positive experiences or feelings Extreme irritability or agitation

Mourning in Healthy Ways

Acknowledge your emotions. In order to begin the healing process, you will first have to acknowledge the emotions you are feeling. Bottling your emotions up can make you even more unhappy, though on the outside you may appear to be fine. Instead of pretending like you are all right, allow yourself to feel every emotion that comes along with a great loss--sadness, anger, guilt, fear. Eventually you will be able to find new meaning in what has happened. Make sure that you give yourself time each day to just be by yourself. While you may feel like you need to act a certain way in public, you need to allow yourself time each day to let out your emotions. Whether than means taking some time to just sit and cry, or reflecting upon what you have lost, do so in a private space where you can really let yourself feel.

Express your feelings through a tangible medium. How you do this is really up to you, but it is important to put your emotions into something concrete that you can see and feel. Doing this may help you make sense of what you are going through, and can help you to put your emotions towards doing something productive. This could be creating a scrapbook or photo album of your loved one’s life, writing in a journal each day, creating artwork like a painting or sculpture that expresses what you are feeling, or taking up something, like volunteering at an organization, that was important to your loved one. Personal rituals may also help you process your grief. While we are accustomed to public rituals, such as funerals or sitting shiva, significant evidence suggests that personal, private rituals are equally important for expressing and processing grief. You may find that experiencing a reminder of your loved one, such as a favorite song or activity, causes feelings of sadness but also of connection to the loss. Physical activities, such writing down your feelings and then tearing up or burning the paper, may also be helpful. Do things that you find allow you to express your grief in a helpful way.

Acknowledge that your grief is yours. No one can know exactly how you feel or what you are experiencing because each person mourns in his or her own way. If someone tells you that you “should” be feeling one way or another, don’t let this dictate how you grieve. Know that that person is only trying to help, and then continue to feel exactly how you feel. One good example of this is crying. Many people believe that crying is the best way to express grief but that eventually you should just stop crying. Crying if you feel the need or desire to cry will help you relieve tension and may help you feel better physically. It is important to remember, however, that some people don’t express their grief with tears, and that is perfectly fine. It is also important to remember that there is a not a timeframe for crying. You may cry over your loss years from when the loss actually happened, and that is okay too. Trying to make yourself feel a certain way because you feel you “should” experience that feeling is also unhelpful. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel, even if your emotions are not what you expected or have been told is “acceptable.”

Maintain your physical health. While we often think of mourning as a purely emotional thing, grief can cause physical changes as well. Lack of appetite, inability to sleep, and a lowered immune system are all physical reactions to grief. In order to combat these side effects, it is important to remember to eat healthy (even if you’re not hungry), exercise, and get enough sleep. When we take care of our bodies, we help lift our emotional and mental state. Eat a healthy, balanced diet with plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins. Getting enough B12, vitamin D, selenium, and omega-3 fatty acids may help relieve feelings of anxiety or sadness. Avoid highly processed foods and foods with a lot of fat or sugar. These may worsen feelings of depression. Avoid consuming too much caffeine, as it can increase your feelings of anxiety or depression. Get at least 30 minutes of moderate physical exercise per day. Numerous studies show that exercise can help relieve symptoms of anxiety and depression. Try to keep a healthy sleep routine by going to bed and waking up at the same time each day. Visualization techniques and pre-sleep meditation may help with insomnia.

Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to deal with your grief. Turning to substances, including food, to help one cope with grief is a fairly common behavior, but it’s crucial that you avoid it. Turning to alcohol is response to grief is slightly more common among men than women. Alcohol is a depressant that can cause symptoms of depression and anxiety. It also interferes with REM sleep and can affect your judgment and your mood. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism recommends that most women drink no more than 1 drink per day, and that most men drink no more than 2 drinks per day. If you believe you have a problem with alcohol, you can call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration hotline at 1-800-662-HELP. Support programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous may also help you. You may be prescribed medication to help you deal with symptoms of grief, such as depression. Use these as prescribed by your doctor. Avoid illegal drugs and substances, as they often make depression and anxiety worse and can seriously affect your judgment and mood. Experiences of grief and trauma may trigger eating disorders in some people. If you feel unable to control your eating behaviors, or the desire to control them too strictly, seek help from a mental health professional.

Do things that you enjoy. A good way to lift your spirits is to do things that you love and keep busy. When you put your energy towards working on a project that you are passionate about, making art, or hiking in the woods, you are helping your brain secrete serotonin, the chemical that makes you feel happier. Doing something you love is also a good way to get your mind off of your loss, and puts your energy towards something other than grieving. If you feel comfortable doing this and think that it will help rather than hurt you, you might consider picking up a passion that your loved one was involved in. This might make you feel closer to your loved one. However, if doing the activity only inspires great sadness, you may want to try something else.

Prepare for things that may trigger your grief. In particular, holidays, birthdays, and other major milestones can trigger feelings of great sadness. Locations and other things, like a certain object or a type of flower, can also trigger grief. This is completely normal. It is important to come up with strategies, such as changing your schedule or having excuses to leave a certain place. For example: If you have recently lost a child and seeing children at the grocery store with their parents triggers your grief, plan on going to the grocery store at a different time of day when it is less likely to see children. If you are planning on spending a holiday with your family, and you have recently lost a loved one, ask your family to help you come up with a way to honor that loved one during the holiday. Focus on the good things about your relationship with your loved one. It’s important to acknowledge the feelings of grief that may occur after a triggering experience. Try to acknowledge that you feel grief because you had a deep connection to your loved one, and then think about something that makes you feel joy about that connection. For example, you might feel sadness when you smell peach pie because your late grandmother and you always made peach pie together when you visited her. Acknowledge your grief about your grandmother, and then consider a way to honor your connection to her, such as making a pie on your own or looking through a favorite cookbook.

Pamper yourself. This might mean soaking in a bubble bath at least once a week, or going to your favorite gym to get a workout in, even if you feel like you don’t have the time to do so. It is important to create time to let yourself do things that help you to relax. Yoga and meditation are both excellent ways to pamper the mind, body, and soul all at once. Let yourself simply be in the moment and let go of the negative energy you hold in your heart.

Seeking Support

Look to family members and friends for support. It is important to have people to lean on during your time of mourning. While you may want to be self-sufficient, now is the time to let others care for you. A lot of the time, your loved ones will want to help but won’t know how, so tell them what you need--whether that is a shoulder to cry on, a friend to go to a movie with, or help with arranging a memorial service for your loved one. Let your loved ones, co-workers, and friends know what has happened if you feel comfortable doing so. Alerting them to your situation will help them to understand why they might find you crying in the middle of the day (which is a perfectly fine thing to do!). Talking with friends and family members may also help you understand how your cultural background informs how you experience grief.

Join a support group. Sometimes sharing your loss with those who have experienced a similar loss can be very therapeutic. Mourning can feel very lonely, even when you have friends and family by your side, so surrounding yourself with people who understand your loss can make it feel a lot less lonely. You can look up grief support groups in your community by searching online or looking at listings posted on community boards in your town. If you are religious, you may also want to consider finding out if your place of worship offers support groups.

Speak with a grief counselor or therapist. If you feel like the grief you are experiencing is too much for you to handle alone, you should consider seeing a counselor or therapist that practices grief counseling. An experienced counselor will be able to help you work through the emotions you are feeling. A common myth about seeking counseling is that if you are getting support from family and friends that you don’t “need” counseling. However, a trained mental health professional can offer support that your loved ones cannot. A counselor or therapist can help you identify unhelpful ways of thinking or behaving. S/he can help you learn healthy coping techniques and ways to process your feelings. Seeing a counselor or therapist does not mean you are not well-supported elsewhere in your life. It means that you are seeking as many sources of support as you need, which is healthy and courageous.

Find comfort in the things you believe in. This could mean turning to your faith for support, or spending more time in nature or surrounded by things you love. If you follow a certain religion, take comfort in the mourning rituals that your faith defines. Meditating or praying can also bring you a sense of peace. If you are not religious but find peace walking through the woods or sitting on the beach, do these things. Perhaps the bonds of family are what you have faith in. Draw strength from the beautiful things that you believe in or love.

Incorporating Loss Into Your Life

Get involved with your community. Some people find that becoming involved in their community after experiencing a loss helps them feel more connected to others. You may find that engaging in a community service project that was meaningful to your loved one is a good way to honor him or her (or it, in the case of a pet). Or, you could memorialize your loved one by giving to a personally meaningful charity in his or her name. Helping others can also help you feel better physically. Research has linked exercises of compassion and generosity, such as giving to charity or volunteering, to an increase in oxytocin, a hormone that promotes feelings of connection and wellbeing.

Allow yourself to remember your loss. Some people may expect that after a certain period of time you should stop remembering your loss, but this isn’t true. You may (and probably will) continue to remember your loved one long after the initial experience of loss. Allow yourself to remember your loved one. Try to focus on positive memories and things you loved about your relationship. You will likely still feel sadness, but you will also be able to feel joy and pleasure in remembering what made the person so special to you. Do not feel like you have to avoid remembrances or tokens of your loved one. It can be healthy and helpful to keep a beloved memento or photograph around. Do what feels best for you.

Recognize that you are changed by loss. “Getting over” grief is common goal, but mourning is more complicated than that. Loss changes you, and it’s important to acknowledge that. You do not “get over” grief, but you can learn to continue your life in a way that honors your loss and your own future.

Understanding Common Experiences of Mourning

Allow yourself to feel shock. When you first learn of your loss, you may go into shock--your mind and body shut down in an attempt to keep you from becoming completely overwhelmed. You may find yourself disbelieving in the face of a death. This is normal.

Recognize denial. According to clinical psychologist William Gardner, denial is a feeling of disbelief, like "How dare the world take this person from me" or "I just can't believe this is happening." You may not believe that your beloved is really gone. Slowly, however, you will find yourself beginning to acknowledge the reality of what has happened. If you are telling yourself, “this can’t be happening to me”, you are experiencing denial. Slowly, you will be able to come to terms with the fact that it did happen, and that you have the strength to get through it.

Know that you may feel anger. You may find that you feel angry at your god, the doctors, even yourself because you believe you did not do enough to prevent your loss. Anger is an emotion that we can easily recognize and that is easier to control than other emotions. Anger can be directed at a certain person, event, or thing. What is important to recognize is that your anger is coming out of your pain and redirecting that pain into something that we can more easily understand. You may also feel guilt, particularly when you recognize that you are angry at someone that could not stop the event that has led to your loss. In turn, you may feel more angry that you feel guilty. Just know that these feelings will subside as you work through your mourning.

Know that at some point you may make mental bargains. According to clinical psychologist William Gardner, many people experience a time when they begin to think of all the what-ifs that could have been, and what they would do to change what has happened. You might find yourself thinking something like “I would do anything to have this person back.” You might find yourself dwelling on ‘if-onlys’. If this happens, talk to someone, distract yourself, or simply remind yourself that you did all that you could.

Allow yourself to feel great sadness. Part of the mourning process is being very, very sad. You may find that you cry all the time, or that you often find yourself reflecting upon what has happened. You may feel empty or depressed. As with every emotion, this great sadness will also subside, though it is perfectly normal to fondly reminisce on your loved one and feel deeply sad, even years later. There is a difference between mourning and complicated grief or clinical depression. Even when you are mourning, you will still find things that make you smile or lift your spirits, even if it is just for a moment. You will continue to live your life, despite the grief you feel. If you are clinically depressed, or are experiencing complicated grief, you will not be able to find even the smallest amount of joy in anything, even after a good deal of time has passed. You may find it hard to accept that your loss has occurred. You will find it hard to do anything, even normal daily activities, and may feel hopeless. If you feel that the latter description fits what you feel, talk to a mental health professional.

Search for acceptance within yourself. Acceptance does not mean that you feel ‘happy’ or ‘okay’ with what has happened--it simply means that you have come to terms with it. You will carry on with, and even enjoy, your life, all the while knowing that you are moving on without the person or thing you have lost. You will begin to plan things, look to the future, and find a sense of peace. You may feel a sense of guilt for moving on with your life, but know that your loved one would want you to be happy and to truly enjoy the life that you have.