How to Maintain a Good Relationship with Your Best Friend

Deepening Your Friendship

Get to know each other better. When strengthening a friendship, self-disclosure is key to making it a deep friendship. It’s that vulnerability that allows you to get to know them, and for them to know you. Any lasting friendship with your best friend should include some of this. It’s okay to have boundaries, but being vulnerable deepens friendships. Let them know your struggles. You might say, "I'm really struggling with my body image." You might be surprised by what you both share.

Never make assumptions about your best friend. They are always growing, as are you. And however similar the two of you are, it is important to remember that they are different from you. Supporting those differences is as important as reveling in the things you share. As you grow, the dynamics of the friendship may change. If you are open to those changes, you are well on your way to making the friendship last.

Spend quality time together. Quality time is very important for maintaining a friendship. Whether it’s online or in person (or on the phone), it’s very important to check in with your best friend regularly. Whether you talk about your day, your work, or your love life, meaningful conversation on a regular basis between you two will strengthen the relationship.

Build trust. Trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. Trust is built on more than simply telling the truth. It is about being there when your friend needs you, keeping secrets, and respecting your friend’s identity.

Find things you both love to share. By sharing things you love, you will find new ways to interact with each other. And you will also deepen the friendship. Shared interests are key to lasting friendships. Sharing more important the interests is more likely to deepen the friendship. For instance, sharing similar world views will be more important than having the same taste in clothing or coffee.

Support your best friend. Whether it's a community ball game in which they are participating or a huge project at work, it's important to support your best friend in their accomplishments, as well as in their trials. Even good things, like winning a huge award, can be stressful. It's important to recognize that you both might not handle the situation the same. Listening to them during a crisis can be the most important thing. One important way to support your best friend is through verbal affirmations. You might say, "I'm so glad that you got the award," or "It's great that you are making the most of a bad situation." Affirmations can also be simply letting them know you're there for them.

Maintaining Contact

Call them regularly. This is especially important if a friend moves away. Checking frequently assures them that you care. It shows that you want to know about their lives even when they are not with you. Even if a friend moves out of the country, there are apps that enable to you call each other, even on your phone (if you have a smartphone).

Make the most of phone calls. It is important not only that you call them regularly but also make sure you are not distracted when you call. You can tell when someone is distracted on the phone, and if a friend always seems distracted, it can make you feel like they aren’t really interested in talking to you. Making time for the calls is also important, as it allows for deep conversations to happen rather than just the basic updates. Instead of asking yes or no questions, or surface-level questions, you may ask things like, "What do you think you want out of your life?" or "Where are you on ..." and fill in the question with some important event that's been going on in their life. Similarly, respond to your friend's questions with more than one- or two-word answers.

Meet in person. Whenever possible, meet in person. If your best friend lives in the same city, great! Meet them every week or more often if it suits both your interests and schedule. If they life out of town, try to make a point of scheduling time to meet when you are both in the same city or can afford to travel. If you're in school together, try your best to have some out of school time together.

Try to be available when you can. This one is hard. When our life gets busy, it is easy to get so wrapped up in our own problems and routine that we forget to make time for our best friend. However, it is extremely important to do this, if you want to keep the friendship going. Friends will understand if you are sometimes busy or if there are times in your life when you can’t make the time, but if you are always too busy for your friend, you may want to re-evaluate your priorities.

Use online connections when you can’t call. Keeping in touch via social media is common even when you live in the same place. It can augment your face-to-face interactions, and help you keep in touch when you can’t see each other. In long distance friendships, social media can be a way to keep in touch daily, even when time zones and schedules don’t allow for regular calls.

Use video chat when possible. Video chat can be the next best thing to talking in person. While not everyone’s connection is fast enough to support video chat, if yours is, you should take advantage of it. Video chat allows you see and hear your friend.

Use other communication apps if you have a disability. Video chat allows for signing and lip-reading. There also apps for dictation, closed captions, and text-to-speech communication. Using these apps will help you keep in touch with your best friend.

Working Through Conflict

Stay calm. Every long relationship involves conflict at some point. Staying calm will allow you to really hear the other person’s concerns. It will also make them more likely to listen to you, as well as help you avoid saying anything you’d regret.

Identify the problem. Sometimes the problem is what the fight starts out about, and sometimes it’s merely a symptom of a larger issue. It can be as simple as miscommunication, or as large as difference in world view. Figuring out what the problem is, though, will put you on the path to resolving it.

Listen to your friend. This is especially important when dealing with conflict. A falling out can be what causes best friends to end their relationship. Listen with your friend’s best interest at heart, as well as your own. This will help you move toward resolution. Sometimes, simply saying, "I hear you" or "I understand" can be enough to make them feel heard. Other times, it's useful to ask questions that summarize their concerns like "So when you say that what I said hurt your feelings, you didn't know that I meant the best?"

Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. When you begin all statements in a conflict with “you,” such as “You did this” or “You were the one,” etc., you set a tone of blaming right from the start. Using “I” statements allows you to express your feelings in a conflict without immediately jumping to blame. For instance, you can say, “I felt that what you said hurt me deeply” instead of "You said that to hurt me."

Take responsibility for your role in the conflict. This is incredibly important in maintaining any relationship. If you begin to blame everything on your friend in a conflict, you will be distancing yourself from them. And they will feel like you don’t have their best interest at heart. If you know what you did helped lead to the problem, admit it. When taking responsibility, it's important not to give a half-hearted apology. Just as with politicians who never admit wrong, it's easy to see through an apology. Instead of saying, "I'm sorry that you were offended by what was said," say, "I'm sorry that I hurt you." It's harder than copping out of an apology, but ultimately it will help keep the friendship strong.

Try to find a solution that works for both of you. Don’t try to win. Winning means that someone loses, and that’s not a great place for any relationship to be. Learning to compromise on an issue will help too, as it can help you see where you and your friend’s interests align. Avoid saying things like "I told you so," or "You see, I'm right." Instead say, "I'm glad we worked this out."

Seek professional help, when necessary. Trained mediators can help you resolve conflict. Professional therapists might give you insight into why a problem or conflict arises, as well as your role in the conflict. There are now even friendship counseling options available. Asking a friend to seek counseling with you can be a difficult step. Ask them what they think might be helpful first, and explain what you hope to get out of therapy. Doing so will make them see that you don't see therapy as a cop-out but as a way to deepen and repair your relationship.