Establishing Boundaries and Guidelines
Allow the messy person to have their own area. Contain the person’s mess by allowing them to live as they please in their own space. Maybe the person has their own room and you both agree that they can be as messy as they want in their room. Or perhaps the messy person has free reign over their office and can keep it as chaotic as they’d like. Make sure you both agree that the person’s mess stays in the specified area and does not extend to the rest of the home. You may say to the person, "Let's make sure we both keep our stuff in our rooms," or "Is it cool with you if we agree to each keep our things in our rooms and not bring our stuff in the common areas?"
Ask the person to spend 10 minutes cleaning up their area. If the person’s mess in their area is out of control, see if they will agree to do a quick 10 minute clean once a day. Have cleaning supplies on hand and encourage them to do a quick tidy up of their area so it is not as messy. For example, you may say to the person, “Would you mind doing a 10 minute tidying up in your space? I would really appreciate it.”
Pick your battles with the messy person. Try not to get angry at every messy habit the person has. Instead, reserve your frustration or anger for habits that really bother you. Let small issues go, especially if the person seems to be trying to control their mess. For example, if the person forgets to put an item away in the kitchen, you may let it go as this is may not be a big deal. If the person leaves food out that stinks up the kitchen, you may talk to the person about this as it may bother you on a more serious level.
Acknowledge when the messy person makes an effort to be clean. Notice if the messy person tries to be tidier or cleaner. Let them know you appreciate when they make the effort to be more clean, even if it is against their nature. In the long run, this will help you build goodwill and respect with the person. For example, you may say to the person, “Thanks for tidying up the living room while I was out, I appreciate it” or “I noticed you got rid of the garbage in your room, thank you for doing that.”
Maintaining Shared Areas
Make a cleaning schedule. Sit down with the messy person and write out a weekly schedule for chores in shared areas like the kitchen or the bathroom. Rotate chores like taking out the trash, doing laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, and wiping down the kitchen counters so they are done at least once a week. Share the schedule with the messy person through email or by marking chores in a shared calendar. You can also print out a physical copy of the schedule and put it somewhere you can all see it, such as on the fridge or by the front door.
Assign chores that you each enjoy or like doing. If you know the messy person likes to do chores like loading the dishwasher or wiping the counters, let them do those. You may then take chores you like, such as tidying up the bathroom or sweeping the floors. You can also try rotating the chores so you are both not stuck doing the same ones every week.
Give the person an open timeframe to complete their chores. Be flexible and allow the person to get their chores done on their own time. They may have a different work schedule than you, and end up cleaning the bathroom in the evening or wiping down the counters early in the morning. Do not put pressure on the person to get their chores done right away. For example, you may tell the person that you will both need to complete your chores before Monday morning. This will give the person time to get their chores done in stages or when they are available.
Communicating Effectively with a Messy Person
Find a quiet, neutral spot in your home. Before you launch into a discussion with the person about their messy habits, ask them if they are willing to talk with you about the issue. Pick a time when you are both calm and relaxed. Sit down in the living room or dining room of the space you share together.
Discuss your feelings using “I” statements. Express how you feel from your perspective. Do not blame, assume, or accuse the person of being too messy or difficult to live with. Let the person know that cleanliness is important to you and that you want to work together to find a solution so you can live together in peace. For example, you may say, “I like having a clean space because it makes me feel good. I’m having a hard time living with you because your living habits are different than mine. What can we do to make living together easier?”
Listen to what the messy person has to say. Sometimes, people who are messy actually have their own system that may appear chaotic to others. Let the person tell you about their approach to cleanliness. Walk through the space together and listen to what the messy person has to say. As you listen to them and talk about your habits, you can also gently point out what changes you'd appreciate seeing. For example, if you notice newspaper in the living room that belong to the person, you may say, "Hey, would you mind picking up the newspapers when you get a chance? You know it bugs me when you leave them out."
Find a compromise. Expecting a messy person to be as clean as you is unrealistic and unfair. Work with the person to find a compromise where you can both live in harmony. You may not get exactly what you want, but you may end up feeling more comfortable living with the messy person if they make the effort to compromise. For example, maybe you both agree to give each other your own spaces and do weekly chores you both like. Or perhaps you both agree to do a weekly clean together on a set day. Find a solution where you both feel happy and satisfied.
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