Establish Boundaries After a Breakup
Take some time apart from each other. Even though it may feel like you absolutely need to see your former partner, whether it be to get closure, maintain a friendship, or try for a second chance, it’s best to take time away from each other so you don’t end up offering emotional support to them and extending your grieving period. You may want to consider going no contact and dedicating a specific period of time to not talking to them. Relationship coach Amy Chan says it typically takes about six months to two years to recover from the pain of a broken heart. People who have anxious attachment styles often take breakups harder than those with secure or avoidant attachment styles.
If you decide to reconnect, keep your distance. While reconnecting with an ex can provide you both with an opportunity to start fresh as friends, it also opens the door for potential confusion when it comes to interacting with each other. If you decide to reconnect, avoid contact or behaviors that may suggest you’re still interested in each other. Avoid cuddling, hand-holding, and hugs to prevent confusion and potential heartbreak. If you’re in the same friend group, try to keep your interactions brief. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller says that if you’re in the same circle as your former partner and consistently seeing them, it can prolong the grieving process.
Decide how you two will interact moving forward. If you’re unable to avoid your ex or decide to reconnect, establish ground rules for how you two will interact now that you’re no longer together, whether that means taking different routes to class or only seeing each other when you have to. In the case that your ex isn’t receptive, avoid engaging with them and keep any interactions that involve them as professional as possible. For example, if you’re forced to work with your ex on a class project, only talk to them about the project. Avoid bringing up your relationship or talking about each other’s personal lives.
Respect each other’s boundaries. You may be tempted to check up on your ex or ask your mutual friends about how they’re doing, but your ex also needs time to process and grieve the relationship. Avoid texting, calling, or trying to find out what’s going on in their lives, and ask that they do the same. Say “Right now, I need time to recover from this breakup. I would appreciate it if we didn’t contact each other for the next month.” Life coach Maggie Mitchell says you may feel a bit of discomfort when setting boundaries, but that’s normal.
Take Care of Yourself After a Breakup
Focus on your health and well-being. Clinical psychologist Lena Dicken says that focusing on your health after a breakup is a great way to recover. Get exercise and eat well, as opposed to what might feel more natural, like crawling in bed and eating ice cream. You can do that for a bit, but don’t stay there. Focusing on your health and being kind to yourself can help you feel better about yourself post-breakup.
Spend more time with your friends and family. When you’re in a relationship, your partner tends to take up a majority of your time, leaving less opportunity to see friends and family. When you break up, though, friends and family are great people to surround yourself with. Not only will you be able to reconnect with them, but they can also provide support and help you process your feelings during this tumultuous time of your life.
Prioritize hobbies and personal interests. Check out that movie you’ve always wanted to see or visit that museum you’ve been interested in. Indulge in your hobbies and personal interests, too, as they can help fill your time and keep you joyful after the breakup. If you want to find a meaningful hobby, life coach Desiree Panlilio says to ask yourself what you’re interested in, then try it without committing to it to see if it’s something you enjoy. Exercising and playing sports can help keep your mind off of your ex.
Let yourself feel your emotions, but don’t wallow in them. It’s normal to feel sad after a relationship. Let yourself do whatever you need to do to get your emotions out, whether that’s crying, screaming into a pillow, or journaling to feel better. But, avoid sitting with your emotions for too long. When you start to notice yourself wallowing in bed for days and weeks after the breakup, make an effort to get up and do something to fill your time.
Honor the reasons why you chose to end the relationship. Dreyfus also says to honor the reasons why you chose to end your relationship, as it helps build self-trust. Have a conversation with your ex about creating boundaries and setting ground rules to respect each other’s space and time for closure. When you don’t honor your choices and boundaries, you can break the trust you have for yourself. If you’re struggling to honor your choice to end the relationship, Dreyfus says to explore why. You may learn that you need further healing or that your ex meant more to you than you realized.
Reflecting on the Relationship
When you’re ready, reflect on what worked and didn’t work in the relationship. Once you’ve taken time to grieve the relationship, reflect on what worked and what didn’t work in the relationship. Licensed marriage and family therapist Lia Huynh says to reflect by looking back and asking what you were proud of. Ask yourself what you could have done differently. Consider what drained your energy and what your future self would say to the current you. Reflect on your relationship and use your past feelings and experiences to inform how you would like to be treated in future relationships. Ask yourself if there’s anything you’d like to do differently in a future relationship. Did you do anything you’re not proud of? How do you want to show up in future relationships? Holistic love coach Kate Dreyfus says when deciding what’s important to you in a romantic partner, ask yourself questions like “What do you like best about them?,” “Do you have similar core values?,” and “Can you be yourself around them?”
Dealing with Social Media After a Breakup
Try to avoid being on social media. Using social media after a breakup can cause you to get into the habit of stalking your ex, looking at happy couples, or doomscrolling on sad aesthetic pages. To give yourself time to properly heal, try to limit your social media usage. Huynh says to stop comparing yourself to others on social media and feel like you have to do exactly what they’re doing. Don’t feel pressure to conform to what everyone else is doing. Just take it one step at a time.
Limit social media contact with your ex as much as possible. When it comes to using social media after a breakup, it’s best to avoid stalking your ex or visiting their profile. Miller says to limit as much social media contact with your ex as possible. Unfollow them and remove them from your followers. You may also want to mute them from your feed so you are unable to interact with them.
Avoid talking about your breakup on social media. Oversharing about your breakup on social media can cause embarrassment and regret down the line, as you’re showing some of your most vulnerable moments to the internet. It can also cause your followers to become frustrated, as they are witness to your broken heart. Rather than airing out the breakup on your story, reach out to a trusted friend or loved one and vent to them.#Avoid targeting your ex on social media. Even though you may still be hurt over how the relationship ended, avoid making any overt or subliminal posts aimed at your ex. Don’t post any of their secrets onto your story for shock value. Don’t flood their comments talking about how you wish they gave you another chance. Just because you’re broken up doesn’t mean you can air out their dirty laundry.
Update your profiles so people know you’re single. After the breakup, let your followers know you’re single by removing any photos or posts about your ex from your feed. If you’re on Facebook, update your status to single. If you’re ready to start getting back into the dating scene, slide into the DMs of that person you’ve always thought was cute and ask them out for lunch.
What to Do After a Breakup If You Live Together
Reorganize your space. To give yourself a fresh start and get your mind off of your ex, consider revamping the space to suit your personal needs and interests, rather than shared needs or interests. Try to move the couch to a new position, get new bedding for your room, or upgrade a piece of technology. If your partner got you a stuffed animal that you only kept because they were around, get rid of it!
Box up any reminders of the relationship. You don’t have to necessarily get rid of things that remind you of the relationship, especially if they were gifts like shoes or a bag, but it may be helpful to get them out of your sight so that you can properly grieve. Consider putting shared stuffed animals, photos, love notes, and other shared romantic memorabilia into a box and storing it somewhere you can’t see.
Gather their belongings. If your ex is already out the door and just has to move their stuff out, consider gathering up their belongings to make the process easier. Box up their possessions and put them somewhere that’s easy to access so the move-out process is as smooth as possible.
Consider dividing the space. If you are unable to move out, consider dividing the space between you and your former partner as one of you searches for more permanent living solutions. Dedicate specific hours of use to certain people or just split the space down the middle. Make sure everyone has access to essential spaces, like the kitchen, bathroom, and a place to sleep. Try your best to live like roommates.
Set a firm move-out date. If you’re on a lease or both parties are able to move out in the near future, set a firm move-out date. With a move-out date, there won’t be any confusion as to how long each of you will stay in the shared space. You’ll have a specific timeline of when to move out, which can make the breakup easier.
What to Do After a Polyamorous Breakup
Communicate the breakup to your other partner(s). When dealing with a polyamorous breakup, it’s important to inform your other partner(s) about what happened so they can be prepared for any emotional changes, like being hesitant about intimacy or being more vulnerable than usual. Let yourself be sad and don’t shy away from your feelings because of a partner. Mature, caring partners will understand the difficulty of your situation and try to be there how they can. Remember, your other partner(s) may feel some discomfort or emotional fallout from your breakup, too.
What Not to Do After a Breakup
Do not suppress your emotions. Chan says “People who avoid grief and make an effort to suppress emotion take the longest to recover from loss. When you try to repress your anger and emotions, stress skyrockets. The opposite of suppression is expression. You need to process the emotional energy that is stuck in the body. The way to move forward, is through.” Practice the Three R’s to help process the emotions after a breakup: Recognize: Create awareness of your emotions and feel them in the body. Close your eyes and try to recognize any sensations in the body, like pressure, pain, and tightness. Respond: Determine the emotions you’re connecting with and what they need to be expressed. You may need to cry, scream, shake or dance. Reflect: Write about how you feel and where you feel it to gain perspective on your emotions. Ask yourself what your greatest points of grief and frustration are, what your body’s telling you, and what you can learn.
Don’t take your frustrations out on your former partner. You may be upset with the way things ended, but don’t take your frustrations out on your ex. Avoid trying to guilt trip them by saying things like “you broke my heart” or “I’ll never love again,” don’t try to manipulate them into coming back to the relationship, and don’t try to sabotage their future romantic endeavors.
Don’t rush the grieving process. Healing from a breakup takes time, especially if you and your ex were together for a while. So feel all of your feelings as you go through the grieving process rather than trying to rush through them. Rushing yourself to feel better and recover can cause you to suppress how you really feel or avoid processing your feelings surrounding the breakup entirely. Clinical psychologist Allison Broennimann says grieving alone is avoidance and doesn’t always work. Sharing, remembering, and honoring individuals through rituals, small meditations, and being patient with your pain can help you move forward.
Don’t jump back into dating until you’re ready. Jumping into a new relationship or situationship before you’re ready can cause the person you’re seeing to experience confusion and unnecessary heartbreak. You may bring unprocessed feelings and additional baggage to the relationship if you decide to jump into it before dealing with the emotional fallout from your last one. To avoid hurting their feelings and prolonging your own heartbreak, don’t jump back into dating until you’re ready.
How to Get Over a Breakup When You Still Love Them
Remember, these feelings are only temporary. Chan says that “feeling sad and missing your ex after a breakup is natural. The same flood of chemicals that cause you to be blissfully in lust during the beginning stages of love are the exact same chemicals that cause you to painfully suffer when it ends.” The brain is literally in withdrawal, which can cause you to want to return to your ex. But with time these feelings will subside.
Accept that you will be able to find love again. Even though it may feel like you’ve lost your one true soulmate, you will find love again one day. Meeting new people and going out to social gatherings with others can help you discover new things about yourself as you grow post-relationship. If you believe that you’ll never love again, you may stop yourself from pursuing those opportunities, which can prolong the grieving process.
Attend therapy. Talking to a therapist after a painful breakup can help you safely process your emotions and figure out coping strategies that help with moving forward. Having a therapist to vent to and work with to figure out what led to the breakup can not only help you process the breakup, but it can also help you figure out how to show up for future partners and yourself.
Final Thoughts
Prioritize self-care and establish boundaries to ease the pain of a breakup. Although breakups are painful, it’s important that you establish boundaries with your ex and even consider going no contact, as it can interfere with the recovery process. As you recover, prioritize self-care by hanging with friends and family, venting to people you trust, and indulging in hobbies and personal interests you may have neglected.
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