Fixing Things When Your Partner Was Sexting
Be assertive and confront your partner directly about their sexting. Ask them what’s going on and be open about where you’re coming from. Spying for more information or plotting to catch them in the act doesn’t help repair broken trust and usually ends poorly for relationships. Be honest and transparent about how you found out, what you know, and what you feel. It’s possible to move on as a couple, but you will need to stay assertive. Confront them by saying “I saw your text messages when you left your phone on the kitchen table. Is there something you want to tell me?” or “I know what you’ve been texting about with Lauren. Let’s hash it out, now.”
Tell your partner how their sexting made you feel. Talk about yourself and your experience instead of what your partner did wrong to open the conversation. It’s hard to stay calm during talks like these, but try to express your feelings and ask questions from a place of curiosity and openness. Insults and accusations might push your partner into a defensive position. Wait until you’re in a good headspace to have this talk. You’ll solve the problem more effectively when you’re feeling calm rather than angry or upset. Open with something like, “I feel very uncomfortable about your relationship with Robert. Let’s talk.” or “I’m feeling incredibly upset and hurt. I want to understand why this happened. Can we talk?”
Clarify your boundaries around sexting other people with your spouse. In some marriages, partners can’t even text friends of the opposite sex but in others, they’re allowed to sleep with other people. Tell your partner where you draw the line to help them understand how big of a crisis this is for you and what they’ll have to do to regain your trust. Set parameters for how you want your spouse to behave going forward. Tell them what you need to feel comfortable and heal as you work through this. If your boundaries were clear before, then this might be a major violation of trust. If they were unclear or nonexistent, know your feelings are still valid and treat this as an opportunity to create boundaries together.
Make sure your spouse ends things with the other person. Request that they delete or block their number and ask to check their phone from time to time to keep them honest and accountable. This is the first and most important step your partner can take to win back your trust. If your partner can’t or won’t meet this expectation, it might be a sign of a deeper issue in the marriage. Consider their willingness to respect your boundaries when you’re deciding whether to stay together, forgive them, or move on. Try asking your partner to install a blocking or tracking app that will monitor their phone activity and contacts.
Take care of yourself while you process your initial reactions and emotions. Pain, sadness, grief and anger are normal emotions to experience when you experience a betrayal. The grief that follows can leave you feeling unbalanced, and it may take a long time to recover. Remind yourself to sleep, eat, and do things that make you feel good. Some productive self-care might include: Seeking counseling or therapy to cope with the stress Spending time with family and friends without your spouse Sticking to a stress-relieving exercise routine like jogging or yoga
Work towards forgiveness to empower yourself to move forward. Forgiving someone is not about the other person, but about freeing yourself to pursue new opportunities, grow while facing the pain of betrayal, and explore new depths of your relationship. It’s a very difficult and slow process, so take your time and show yourself compassion as you work through it. It’s ultimately up to you to decide how to feel and move forward. Stay open about your evolving feelings with your partner through the healing process. Forgiveness is hard to achieve in this context for most people. Know that your spouse is suffering as well and the best path forward is to work together.
Fixing Things When You Were Sexting
Stop sexting anyone outside of your marriage immediately. The damage may already be done, but the road to recovery begins by shutting down communication with the person. Tell them firmly that you want to respect your spouse and recommit to your marriage. Tell them something like “I’m uncomfortable with how far this has gone and want to respect my spouse. This needs to stop.” or “I can’t do this to my spouse anymore. This is over.” If you continue texting or sexting this person, your emotional and sexual detachment from your spouse will keep growing regardless of how you feel about your marriage. Delete or block their number if you don’t have a valid, non-sexual reason to speak with this person.
Acknowledge the impact that your betrayal had on your partner. Trying to explain or justify yourself will not make them feel any better. Own up to what you did and validate what your spouse is feeling. Staying open and receptive to each other's feelings is crucial for healing your marriage. Your spouse probably feels betrayed by the sexting and will naturally have a negative reaction. Let them express their feelings openly. Validate their feelings with phrases like “I understand why you’re angry,” “I know that I’ve upset you,” or “You have a right to feel this way.”
Offer your spouse a genuine apology. Even if you felt a justification for the sexting, you still must apologize for the pain and sadness it caused your partner. It’s likely they’ll stay angry or skeptical for a while, so be prepared to apologize multiple times. End each apology by reassuring them you want to stay together and fix your marriage. An apology might go like this: “I’m sorry I ever sent those messages, and I’m sorry that I hurt you. I want to stay with you and fix our marriage.” “I can’t apologize enough for what I did. I wish I had never texted them, and I’m sorry for the pain and anger I’ve caused you. I’m committed to working through this and staying with you.” “I understand why you’re still upset. I just want to say again that I’m sorry and wish none of this had ever happened. I’m sorry that you feel so bad because of what I did. Please know that I’m dedicated to fixing this and getting your trust back.”
Answer your spouse’s questions about the sexting honestly. Rebuilding trust begins by putting everything out in the open. They will probably want to know the nitty gritty details of your sexting, like how often you texted, if you sent or received any nude photos, or when it all began. Answer all these questions openly, even though it might make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed to fess up. Your spouse may want to see your phone and read the messages themselves. Let them do this, or offer to show them the messages yourself as a gesture of good faith.
Be completely open about your whereabouts and activities going forward. You will need to put a lot of effort into being transparent to rebuild your security and get back your spouse’s pre-sexting trust. Tell them where you’re going when you leave the house, who you’re on the phone with, or who you’ve texted or DM’d that day until they begin to feel more comfortable. Show your phone to your partner if they ask to check it. Stick to the boundaries your spouse sets for you until you mutually agree to return to your pre-sexting habits. These might be things like no texting past a certain time at night or deleting social media or messaging apps.
Check in with your spouse frequently to keep communication open. Talk about how they feel and try to understand their perspective. This keeps the focus on what’s going on for them and not on what you’ve done wrong. They might feel angry longer than you expect, so avoid arguments about whether they should still feel upset or not. Check in with questions like: “Hey, you seem kind of upset. What’s bothering you?” “How are we doing today?” “What are you feeling today? Is there anything you want to talk about?”
Heal with the goal of forgiving yourself. It’s common to feel anxiety, guilt, shame, regret, confusion, or embarrassment after breaking your vows of honesty, loyalty, and respect. Show yourself compassion and forgive your mistakes so you can move on with your life and be a supportive partner while your marriage heals. Living in a constant state of shame, guilt, or punishment won’t restore the trust and happiness in your marriage. Self-forgiveness is just as much for your spouse’s wellbeing as it is for you.
Fixing Things Together
Make a plan with your partner to build better communication. Healthy communication is key to building and maintaining a healthy, intimate relationship. Get in the regular habit of expressing your feelings towards each other, identifying triggers that lead to escalations or arguments, and deciding how to address stalemates to reduce tension and find solutions. Use “I” statements to share your feelings without accusing or projecting onto your spouse. For example, “I am still angry” or “I am not sure what you want.” Try disconnecting digitally when you need to communicate. Turn off your phones, computers, and TVs so you’re present with each other.
See a marriage counselor to work through your trauma and reestablish trust. Counseling teaches you the life and relationship skills you need to deal with difficult situations in a helpful way. See a counselor or therapist as soon as you can after the sexting affair before the problem becomes too great. It’s very difficult to have these issues on your own. A counselor will help you navigate your conversations so both partners feel heard and validated. If your partner won’t commit to marriage counseling, individual sessions can still be very beneficial to your own coping and healing.
Work together to figure out the core issue that led to the sexting. Both partners need to be completely open and honest about their feelings towards each other, themselves, and their marriage to identify what led to the sexting. If the core problem is not resolved, your struggle will be dragged out longer and another sexting incident could happen in the future. A partner might have a texting affair for reasons like low self-esteem, body image issues, sexual dysfunction within the marriage, or acting out a fantasy relationship. Ask each other questions like, “How did this happen? What led to this sexting? What can we learn about our relationship? How did you feel when you sexted them?” Try labeling the sexting as “our” incident. This shifts the emphasis from blame to curiosity and insight. Focus on the emotional content of the sexting (“Did you think of me while you were sexting?”) rather than specific details of the affair (“How many times a day did you text them?”).
Commit to staying together and healing your marriage. It’s important for both partners, and especially the partner who sexted, to express why they want to stay married since there’s a lot of doubt, insecurity, and distrust. Invest time into reconnecting and getting to know each other again. Try starting a new activity together like joint workouts or an art class. This will shift your focus from the sexting incident and you’ll get to experience something new with your partner. Set achievable goals for yourselves as a couple to help you stay connected. For example, you could make a goal to check in with each other every day before work for 2 months.
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