How to End All Ties With Your Family

Exploring Your Options

Cool off. Many decisions to cut ties with family are made soon after a big fight. Make a well thought-out decision, not an impulsive one, by taking a few days to calm down from a big blowup. Giving yourself the time and space to calm down and analyze your immediate emotional reaction, as well as consider the situation from their point of view, will allow you to approach the conflict from a more logical, productive standpoint at a later time. Sometimes, cutting ties is the only thing that can be done when you are not feeling safe, loved, and respected. If you need to protect yourself and the ones you love from your family, that's a reasonable outcome. However, that often is the last resort and there are many things that can be done before resorting to cutting them off.

See a counselor. Deciding to end contact with your family is not to be taken lightly. Speaking to a trained, objective professional will help you make an informed decision. Seeing a family or relational therapist can be very helpful if you feel like you're running in circles with the situation.

Consider other options. While cutting ties to your family may feel freeing, it may also have long-term negative consequences on your life. Completely cutting off contact may leave you with unresolved feelings that can no longer be completely addressed. You may wish to look into other options before deciding to cut ties. Of course, your family members would have to be willing to pursue other avenues with you. Family counseling could help you address problems you have relating to your family. Maybe you do not feel your family accepts you because of your sexual orientation or religious values. Maybe your family fights all the time, or never dealt with the fallout of a trauma. Family counseling may be worth a try. If there is a drug or alcohol addiction in your family, consider if things would improve if the family member entered a rehab treatment program. Figure out if you could remain in communication with your family if you only cut off contact with one or two members. If you get along fine with your siblings, but have serious issues with your parents, for example, figure out a way to maintain a relationship with your siblings. Addressing whatever hurt and wrong comes up together with your family is important, especially if you want to avoid a negative cycle of hurt and miscommunication.

Decide your level of involvement. Cutting off your family does not necessarily need to be all or nothing. You may find it’s easier just to minimize or limit your exposure to toxic family members. Communicate only through email or social media. Only talk on the phone. Go out to dinner a few times a year. See them only on holidays or special family events.

Stay open-minded. Recognize that the unbearable situation may change--or you may change-- and that you may be able to reconnect with your family in the future.

Communicating with Your Family

Let them know. In most cases, it is best to let your family know that you are cutting ties with them. This does not need to be a long conversation, and you do not need to go into great detail. You may want to do this with a therapist or mediator present. For example, you might begin the conversation by saying, “I have something important I need to let you know. I have decided that, for my own mental health, it is best that I distance myself from this family for the time being. I have been doing my own work on some of the problems in our family, and right now, I see this as the best option for my life.”

Indicate that you understand the pain your separation will cause. No matter how dysfunctional your family may be, try to address the issue from their point of view. It is painful to feel powerless and lose a connection to any person, let alone a family member. Try saying, "I understand how painful this is for you. I am sorry that I am hurting you. But I feel that for right now, this is what I need to do."

Be prepared for pushback. Most likely, a decision to end family ties will not be received well. You are setting new boundaries with your family, and they will likely be angry or upset. They may demand more answers about why you are leaving than you are willing to give. Try saying, “I am not comfortable talking about that right now, but I will write a letter with that information when I am ready.” They may insist that they will change and the situation will improve. You can say, “I am glad to hear you want to change. I would like to see you take some steps to make that happen, and then we can revisit this in six months.” They may also be angry and defiant. They might say, “Fine. We don’t want you in this family, either.” You can respond, “I am sorry we feel the need for this distance,” and end the conversation.

Write a letter. If you are too uncomfortable talking to your family directly, you can send a letter. This can also be a good option if you feel intimidated or at a loss for words around them. Writing a letter can help you clarify your own feelings. Letter writing also allows you the time to search for just the right words to describe your feelings. A friend or counselor can look over the letter before you send it and offer feedback.

Maintaining Your Boundaries

Give yourself permission to set limits. Boundaries are important to relationships as well as your own self-respect. Consider it an important way to take care of yourself. Setting boundaries is extremely important, but honoring them on your end is even more essential for success.

Establish what kind of contact will be acceptable to you, if any. Be clear and firm in establishing what is appropriate. Confusion will occur if you remain vague. Instead of “We can talk on the phone,” a clearer boundary would be “I will call you once a week.”

Hold up your end of the agreement. Call them as scheduled or visit as you agreed to. If you plan to visit your family, let them know when they can expect to see you. For example, “I need some space right now, but I will be back for Nana’s party in April. Maybe we can revisit some of these issues at that time.”

Be prepared for intrusions. Your family members may have a difficult time adhering to the boundaries you have established, particularly if they are distraught and seeking answers. You may feel tremendous pressure to engage them. Don’t answer excessive phone calls or emails. If you said you would email once a week, you are under no obligation to do more than what you agreed to. If they visit without your permission, ask them to leave. You can say, “I am sorry that you drove all this way to visit, but I am not ready to communicate with you right now. I will let you know when that is. For now, I ask that you leave.” Keep in mind that your family will likely be angry with you for enforcing your boundaries.

Seek counseling. A supportive therapist will help you name, maintain, and validate your boundaries with your family. A therapist can also help you work through other issues you are dealing with after cutting ties with your family, such as feelings of guilt, depression, and anger. A therapist can also recommend a support group that may be helpful to you.

Be cautious in accepting offers of help. Accepting money from family is not good in the best of circumstances, but be cautious of opening the door for other offers of help as well. You may end up feeling indebted to them, and thus guilty that you haven’t been a “better” family member.

Be flexible. If you see your family making some positive changes, be open to reconnecting with them. You can adjust your contact to your comfort level. Reconnecting with your family may be painful as you revisit old wounds. Consider working with a family therapist. A family therapist will take the whole family system into account in order to give your whole family appropriate ways to heal.