How to Deal with a Partner Keeping Your Relationship Secret

Investigating the Reasons

Don’t jump to conclusions. There are many possible reasons why your partner wants to keep quiet about the relationship, so don’t automatically assume that it’s something bad. The reason for their preferred secrecy may be something harmless and simple. For example, your partner may just be reserved and quiet naturally, and not ready to share that private side of their lives yet.

Be open with your partner about your concerns. If keeping your relationship secret makes you uncomfortable, or you are unfamiliar with your partner's reasons, the best solution is to have a candid discussion. Choose a time when you and your partner can talk without distractions and share your concerns. Use "I" statements to avoid making them defensive. You might say something like "We've been dating for a few months now and you still haven't introduced me to your family or your friends. I am slightly hurt that you are keeping our relationship secret. Can you explain to me why you don't feel comfortable with us being public?"

Understand they may have just left a relationship. The person you are with may want to keep your relationship under wraps out of respect for their ex, if they just called it quits recently. Your partner may also want to protect you from any negativity from the ex or those around them. For example, the ex may retaliate or harbor ill will towards you simply because they are still in love with your new love. On the other hand, your new love may still have feelings for the ex, and wants to keep your relationship a secret in case the ex shows interest in getting back together.

Realize your partner may not want to define the relationship so soon. Some people are afraid of the terms “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” Perhaps they’ve had bad luck with committed relationships or commitment simply scares them. Whatever the reason, some just don’t want their relationships out in the open.

Know that your partner may not want to hear criticism. If your partner’s parents or other people in their life have strong opinions about who they should be with, they may want to keep the relationship a secret, particularly if you don’t fit that mold. Keeping it a secret can keep some of the stress off of them, but it could also negatively affect your relationship. They may also want to shield you from any criticism you may receive from those around them.

Keep in mind that a work relationship may be prohibited. If you are upset because your partner does not want to go public and they are your coworker or boss, then consider how your relationship may affect your work reputations. In some cases, fraternization between employees and/or superiors is strictly off-limits, which means that keeping the relationship secret is necessary to protect one or both of your jobs.

Consider your partner's children. If you are dating someone who has children, they may have more personal reasons as to why they don't want to make the relationship public. Depending on the age and maturity level of the children, and the length of your relationship, your partner may choose to keep things behind closed doors until they feel ready to share the news with their kids. This may be annoying, but try to be empathetic if your partner is navigating parenting and dating. They may have recently separated, divorced, or had a spouse or partner pass away. Sharing news of a new relationship too soon may create emotional upheaval in children who have not quite grieved the loss of the parental relationship. What's more, some parents simply do not like introducing their kids to new partners unless they feel that the relationship has long-term potential. If you and your partner have just started dating, give it some time.

Be considerate if your partner is closeted. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is still “in the closet” regarding their homosexuality or bisexuality, they may not choose to disclose your relationship to the public. Sometimes, due to religious or conservative views, a gay or bisexual partner may fear the social repercussions of coming out. If this is the case, try to be understanding and supportive of your partner's feelings. However, it can be frustrating to not be acknowledged, and one partner being closeted can create tension in your relationship. Perhaps, it may be helpful for you to attend couples therapy or speak with a youth mentor to help you and your partner come to terms with your relationship and your sexuality.

Know that it could be because of infidelity. Your partner could want to keep your relationship a secret because they are already in a relationship. Another possible reason is that instead of committing to just you, they could be seeing other people as well. Having your relationship out in the open could threaten to end other partnerships your lover has or is pursuing. Possible signs that you are not the only person your partner is having a relationship with are never going out anywhere or only visiting remote locations, only getting together on weeknights, and not making any mention of you on social media.

Determining if You Accept the Secrecy

Know that you have a choice. Your feelings are just as valid as your partner’s. If you are uncomfortable or unhappy with keeping the relationship a secret, understand that you don’t have to stay in it. Don’t sacrifice your happiness for someone else who doesn’t consider your feelings. To get some perspective, talk to a trusted friend about what you are feeling. You might say, “Hey, I wanted to talk with someone about my relationship with Brandy. Will you listen?”

Decide if you believe the reasons. Trust is one of the most important factors in a relationship. If you don’t believe that what your partner is saying is the actual truth, then it may be time to move on. Your gut instinct is often right, but make sure to fairly assess the situation in its entirety before making any big decisions. Be mindful of your own insecurities and fears that may have carried over from previous relationship experiences. Don’t let those affect your current relationship and the decisions you make. Discuss your doubts with your partner. Tell them what your fears and worries are and if they aren’t able to make you feel better with what they say, then this may not be a relationship in which you should stay. Start the conversation with something like, “I really care about you and I like being with you, but I’m concerned. Can you explain why you want to keep us a secret?”

Understand that keeping a secret may cause extra stress. Keeping a relationship a secret may be exciting at first, but over time, it could become a problem. You may not want to keep the charade going, which could lead to you feeling jealous, depressed, lonely, and insecure. Feeling like this in a new relationship usually isn’t a good start. Reach out to a school counselor or another trusted adult to talk about what you’re feeling. Discussing the matter with an impartial third party can help you clarify what you want and decide on what you want to do about it.

Strive for acceptance. If you have surveyed your partner's reasoning and decided that you trust them, then the next step is to move forward with love and acceptance. Honor your partner's wishes and know that keeping your relationship private--for the right reasons--does not detract from you building a healthy, satisfying union. In some situations, keeping a relationship secret is for the best until you decide where it's going or make a more serious commitment. Meanwhile, think of your secret relationship as something precious that the world can't yet know about.

Disclosing Your Relationship or Moving On

Lead by example. If your partner is showing signs that they are ready to make your relationship known, take subtle steps forward. Doing so may make your partner see that telling the secret isn’t a bad thing. It may also encourage them to be more open about you to others as well. For example, posting a picture of the two of you on Facebook or Instagram is an easy way to take the first step. Inviting them to hang out with your friends or even attending a party together are also ideal ways to introduce your relationship. Only do this if you are sure your partner is ready to be open about your relationship. Otherwise, you could create problems by making your partner feel rushed.

Leave if you are unhappy. You may have thought that you could handle keeping your relationship a secret and agreed to do so. If you decide that you can’t anymore, you don’t have to stay. In some situations, it may be unhealthy to stay with someone who hides their love for you, particularly without a valid reason. Fortunately, you can make the decision to walk away. Keeping your relationship a secret may actually be a blessing in disguise when you decide to leave a relationship. Not showcasing it on social media and having people ask you what happened may help you to pick up the pieces much easier than if everyone you know was aware of the relationship.

Know what you want the next time around. Although it may be painful to deal with a partner keeping your relationship a secret, going through this experience can help you identify what you do want in a relationship. In order to a have healthy partnership, you need to feel as if you emotional needs are being met. Plus, although all relationships come with hardship, you should feel nourished, supported, and positive about yours. When you enter into your next relationship, be sure to listen to your needs. Gain more awareness of your emotions. Rather than taking whatever your partner says as law, decide for yourself how you feel. Think about what you need. Is being able to share your relationship with family and friends important to you? If so, make that clear up front. Listen to your gut. You inner voice will tell you whether you feel safe and secure in your next relationship. If you get a sense of any red flags, pay attention and take action.