Handling a Rage Episode
Walk away and refuse to give them the attention they seek. A narcissist feeds off of the attention they get from a tantrum, so they may have more frequent or more extreme rage episodes if you give them that attention. Instead, leave them alone to have their rage episode without your attention. They may decide to cut their tantrum short—and even if they don’t, you won’t have to sit through the whole thing!
Distract yourself and act like their tantrum isn’t even happening. This is like walking away, but denies the narcissist of even that little slice of satisfaction in knowing they caused you to walk away. Instead, try ignoring them while remaining in their presence, making it crystal clear that you refuse to play by their rules and reward their tantrum with your attention. You can mentally check-out by focusing on some activity like putting clothes away or doing yoga while letting your mind wander elsewhere. If they try to get you to respond by repeatedly saying (or shouting) your name, try to completely ignore them. Alternatively, calmly say something simple and straightforward only once—for example: “I refuse to engage with you when you’re acting this way.” Then go back to ignoring them.
Empathize with their feelings but call their response inappropriate. A narcissist does genuinely feel challenged, embarrassed, or powerless when they have a rage episode, so it’s a good idea to validate these feelings as real. However, it’s equally important not to validate or justify their out-of-bounds reaction to these feelings. So be clear to them on both counts. “I understand that you were raised to believe that winning was the only acceptable outcome, but it’s inappropriate for you to throw stuff and say hurtful things just because you finished second in sales this quarter.”
Assert your right to speak and be heard. It may feel like the narcissist is trying to “smother” or “steamroll” you during their rage episode, refusing to give you space to offer your perspective. Without getting angry or confronting them directly, calmly and clearly state that you have an equal right to share your view of things. “I deserve to speak my mind about this as well, and I expect you to allow me to do precisely that.”
Explain to them the negative impacts of their rage episodes. Narcissists really struggle to connect their actions to any kind of negative consequences. If you’re able to show them this kind of connection, it may help to bring their tantrum under control. Aim to be clear and direct, but without attacking them personally. “Joey and Laura stopped hanging out with us because of these episodes, and I really think we could end up without any friends left.”
Ask them to look at the situation from your perspective. Putting themselves in your shoes may make them reassess their actions. This is a difficult task for a narcissist and may not work, since they tend to only see things from their own perspective. But, if you’re able to get them to stop and really imagine the roles being reversed, they may accept that their tantrum is out-of-line and unacceptable. “Can we try to see this from each other’s perspective here? Imagine you’re standing here watching me tearing up papers from work and swearing because of a slightly negative performance review.”
Set boundaries for words and actions you refuse to tolerate. Narcissists tend to think that everything they do, even throwing a tantrum, is completely justified. Laying out clear boundaries on what is and is not acceptable may open their eyes to the fact that they are going too far with their reaction to the situation. And, even if it doesn’t work this time, you’ve established that you are willing and able to stand up for yourself. “I will not stand here watching and listening to you slam all the cabinets and drawers because you don’t like how dinner turned out. That’s simply not acceptable behavior.”
Establish consequences for next time—and stick to them. The connection needs to be crystal clear: their actions will result in the specific consequences you describe. And it’s equally important that you mean what you say here. If you set up consequences but don’t follow through, the narcissist will continually call your bluff and feel free to throw tantrums. “I am going to be as clear as possible here: if you shout hurtful things at me like that ever again, this relationship is over. Period.”
Refuse to stoop to their level and legitimize their behavior. It can be really tempting to respond to narcissistic rage with rage of your own, especially if the person is directing their rage at you. But you’ll find that it’s pretty much impossible to “out-tantrum” a narcissist, and that you’ll just end up escalating the situation. Instead, do everything in your power to remain calm and composed. When you feel the urge to shout back at them, stop and take a few slow, deep breaths. Repeat to yourself something like the following: “I’m in control of my emotional response. I can remain calm.”
Don’t take the blame just to appease them. When you take the bait and accept the blame for the narcissist’s rage, you’re telling them that tantrums work and should be repeated whenever they want to get their way. However, by refusing to take this path—even though it seems like the easy way out—you might force them to accept that their tantrums don’t work on you. Instead of just saying, “It’s not my fault you’re upset about this,” recognize what they’re experiencing. Then, refuse to take the blame: “I’m sorry you feel so upset about this, but it is not my fault that you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning.”
Protect your own wellbeing if you feel threatened. Narcissistic rage episodes are often more self-focused, but can sometimes become episodes of verbal or physical violence toward others. If you experience verbal or physical violence, or are afraid it is imminent, leave the situation and get help right away. Getting help can range from staying at a friend’s house to calling the police, depending on the situation. Instead of ignoring or minimizing the threats or actual violence you experience, do what is necessary to protect yourself.
Decompress after experiencing their rage episode. Dealing with a narcissistic tantrum is emotionally exhausting. You may feel angry, upset, confused, or some combination of all these. Do yourself a favor and engage in self-care activities that work for you. Talk to a friend. Confide in someone who you trust and who is a good listener. Express your feelings and vent as needed. Allow their empathy and support to restore you. Practice gratitude. Handling a narcissist can make it tough to remember what you should be thankful for. Try writing down and reflecting on a list of 5 or 10 things you’re grateful for. For ongoing benefits, turn this into a daily ritual. Attend therapy. While narcissists are rarely willing to go to therapy, it can be really helpful for people like you who deal with a narcissist. The therapist can help you find and develop individualized coping strategies.
Reasons a Narcissist Becomes Enraged
They feel a lack of validation for an unmet need. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often—but not always—traces back to a childhood full of unmet needs and a lack of validation for the person’s feelings. Very similar to a young child, an adult narcissist lacks the tools to respond to unmet needs calmly and rationally and therefore resorts to tantrums. For example, if you don’t immediately and effusively praise them for getting a good grade at school or a good performance review at work, they might fly into a rage. Or, if they feel like you’re not calling or texting them often enough during the day, they might angrily accuse you of not caring about them, having an affair, or both.
They feel shame, embarrassment, or fear and don’t know how to cope. Handling criticism, failure, and uncertainty is tough for everyone, but narcissists are particularly ill-equipped to handle challenges to the self-image they’ve constructed for themselves. That’s why something that seems very minor to you can, for them, be a huge deal that’s worthy of a tantrum. They might, for instance, take you pointing out that they spilled a bit of soup on their shirt as an attempt at mocking them. Or, they may lash out that “you must think I’m stupid” if you try to give them some innocuous advice on how to use the new coffee maker in the break room. Keep in mind that substance abuse can exacerbate all types of triggers for narcissistic rage events.
They want something from you and turn to manipulation to get it. While narcissistic rage events are often truly as out-of-control as they appear, that’s not always the case. Once again, much like small children, adult narcissists can quickly learn that a manufactured tantrum is a good way to get what they want—whether that’s attention, validation, or some type of “reward” to get them to stop. This is why it’s important not to just “give in” to rage episodes in order to get them over with. Instead, ignore or confront them.
What might they do during a tantrum?
They may vent their frustration on random objects. In other words, they might punch the wall, kick the door, throw plates and dishes, yell out the window, or mutter and swear at no one in particular. They vent their rage towards these objects (or towards nothing in particular) simply because that’s what’s accessible to them in the moment, not because it has anything to do with their tantrum.
They may direct verbal or physical abuse toward you. They might aim their rage your way because they blame you for triggering them, or you just might serve as the scapegoat for someone or something else. Verbal abuse is more common—calling you names, putting you down, saying it’s all your fault, and so on—but physical abuse can definitely happen during narcissistic rage episodes. No matter what, you do not deserve to put up with physical abuse or verbal abuse. If you feel your safety is threatened, leave the situation, get help, or do whatever else is necessary to protect yourself.
They may give you the “silent treatment” by withdrawing inward. This is a variation on the more explosive type of narcissistic rage episode. In this case, their tantrum involves refusing to engage with you at all—that is, “punishing” you by not giving you any attention. This may sound at first like it isn’t much of a tantrum to have to deal with, but it can definitely be personally hurtful and damaging to a relationship to face these episodes regularly.
They may engage in self-harm. The self-harm is often verbal, such as calling themselves “stupid” or otherwise putting themselves down. However, rage episodes can also lead to physical self-harm, such as burning, cutting, or stabbing. In most cases, though, the self-harm is semi-controlled and not intended to result in permanent or life-threatening damage. If you have concerns that the person will engage in serious or even life-threatening self-harm, seek help for them—call emergency services if necessary.
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