Navigating a Romance
Anticipate some issues with commitment. Someone who has gone through a divorce in the past year may not be ready for a serious relationship. If you're only looking to date casually yourself, this may not be an issue for you. However, if you're hoping for a more serious romance, make sure the man in question is ready to commit to a romantic relationship. If someone is recently divorced, they may have hesitations regarding commitment. A divorced man may enjoy your company at first, but become nervous if things get serious. He may be afraid of repeating old patterns or mistakes. Going into the relationship, keep in mind emotional intimacy may be an issue. Think about what you want out of the relationship. Are you looking for a potential long-term partner? If so, someone with commitment issues may not be the best choice for you. However, if you're at a time in your life that you're uninterested in a serious romance, the question of commitment may not be as important. You may be fine pursuing something casual. EXPERT TIP Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Be patient as you're getting to know him. Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson, "If you're dating a divorced man, take time to get to know each other, and don't make assumptions about his life. Make sure he's fully healed from his divorce, and don't be surprised if he's slow to commit. If he and his ex had children together, be supportive of his family and any arrangements related to that."
Do not rush things. When dating a divorced man, the relationship may progress slower than usual. Normal relationship milestones, such as meeting the parents and giving things an official label, may happen at a slower pace. Even amicable divorces are painful, and a divorced man may proceed with hesitance. Understand what your partner is going through. In addition to the pain of a divorce, there may be added scrutiny from family members. His parents or siblings may, for example, be distrusting of a new partner. It's not uncommon for a divorced man to want to take things slow. Try to be patient during this process. If you really like this person, it will eventually be worth the wait. If you get frustrated, try to think of all the reasons you're continuing with the relationship. Remind yourself why you were initially drawn to this person.
Keep your expectations in check. Navigating a new romantic relationship is always tough. Divorce, however, adds another layer of complication. Do not go into the relationship with specific expectations of how things will progress. A divorced man may be somewhat hesitant or non-committal at first. There are certain things you could reasonably expect from most boyfriends that may be difficult if your partner is divorced. He may be unable to bring you to family events right away, as family members may not be ready to see him dating again. If he has children, they will take priority. You may not be able to see him certain days of the week or certain weekends, as he will be busy with his kids. Spontaneity may not be an option with a divorced partner. He may have his guard up more in regards to romantic gestures, for one, and children from a previous marriage can add a complication. He may not be able to whisk you off for a romantic weekend away, for example, if he has children to care for.
Prepare for money to be an issue. Divorce can be very expensive. Between paying for lawyers, and things like alimony and child support, it can take a few years for divorced people to find financial stability. Do not expect a divorced man to be able to spend a lot of money on you. You may have to plan affordable dates much of the time, especially if your boyfriend is recently divorced. Remember, you don't have to splurge to have fun. If money is still a major issue for your boyfriend, try to plan cheap dates. You could have a beach day, for example, or make dinner at home and watch a movie. If you feel comfortable doing so, you can also offer to pay once in awhile. You do not want to feel like you're being taken advantage of, but it can be a nice gesture to occasionally pay for a nice dinner if money is an issue for your boyfriend.
Have a discussion about advertising your relationship. A divorced man may have hesitations about advertising the relationship right away. Divorce is complicated. Children, family members, or mutual friends may have loyalty to the previous partner. Before you do something like, say, updating your Facebook relationship status, have a talk with the man you're dating. Strive to be understanding here. Do not take it personally if your boyfriend would rather keep things somewhat discreet for the time being. Dating again after a divorce can cause tension. Your boyfriend may simply want to keep things between the two of you uncomplicated for now. He's not necessarily keeping your relationship discreet because he wants to hide you.
Make sure your needs are being met. While you want to have patience, a relationship cannot be all give. If a divorced man is not ready to meet your needs, you cannot have a healthy relationship. At some point, think about what you need and whether you feel this man is capable of providing that. Think about you feel fulfilled and cared for. Is this person making you feel that way? Why or why not? Consider whether there's anything you're agreeing to do that you would rather not do. Is there any way your boyfriend pushes your boundaries? Is there anything you would like to do in the relationship that is not currently an option?
Communicate your feelings. If you ever feel your needs are not being met, it's important to communicate as much. You will need to sit down with your boyfriend and talk things out. While his feelings regarding the divorce are important, your feeling as his current partner also matter. Focus in the present moment. Try not to bring things up from the past. Be direct. If something is bothering you, say so outright. For example, "I know you're nervous about introducing me to your family, but it's been six months and I really feel it's time." Listen to your boyfriend's responses. Give him a chance to explain and respond. The two of you may be able to figure out a way to patch things up and move forward.
Regulating Your Emotions
Accept your boyfriend may have a type. Many people get nervous when they realize they're similar to their boyfriend's ex-husband or wife. Everyone has a type of person they're attracted to, and you may very well have things in common with a previous spouse. There's a good chance you will resemble the ex-spouse physically. Your boyfriend may have specific taste. He may be drawn to a certain hair color, eye color, or body type, for example. There may also be similarities in your personality. Your boyfriend may have a tendency to date people with similar interests or personalities. Try not to buy too much into similarities between yourself and an ex-spouse. Chances are, you have a type as well. Even if you're not aware of it, there are probably similarities between your current boyfriend and your ex-partners.
Do not complain about his ex. It can be tempting to talk badly about the ex-spouse. This is especially true if your boyfriend's ex has been hostile to you at any point during the relationship. However, it's a bad idea to complain to your boyfriend about his ex. You do not want to come off as jealous or bitter. Also, your boyfriend may harbor negative feelings about his ex that are difficult to process. You do not want to negatively affect his mood by fanning the flames. There may be times when you need to vent about the ex. This is understandable, especially if the ex has not been nice to you. However, if you need to do so, call a friend or family member. Never let your boyfriend overhear you complaining about his ex. Wait until he's out of the house to call a friend and vent.
Learn about the circumstances slowly. If you're beginning to get serious, you may want to know about the divorce. How and why a divorce happened says a lot about your boyfriend. It can help you better understand how he approaches a relationship in the present. Avoid asking too much at first. This is especially true if it's uncertain how serious the relationship will be. You may not need to know a lot about the divorce, and the circumstances surrounding it, However, if you're getting serious, it's appropriate to ask. This is especially true if you think this person could become your life partner. You can try to introduce the topic carefully. Say something like, "If you feel comfortable, I'd like to know a little about your divorce. It obviously had a huge impact on your life, and I'd like to know you more as a person."
Do not take things personally. There are many little things that may feel like a snub or a rebuff when dating a divorced man. You may, for example, not be invited to certain family dinners or outings with mutual friends of your partner's spouse. Try to remember these things are not personal. It can be very awkward navigating the dating world coming out of a divorce. Your boyfriend is probably not trying to hurt your feelings. Certain situations may simply be difficult or awkward. Keep in mind it rarely has anything to do with you personally.
Dealing with Family
Support him when he wants to spend time with his children. In the beginning of your relationship with him, your boyfriend may opt not to introduce you to his children. Your boyfriend may want to wait to introduce you until your relationship is serious. The kids have already been through a lot with the divorce, so there isn’t any sense in letting them get to know a woman who may not be a permanent fixture. Do not compete for his time, especially if he occasionally needs to spend time with his kids. Even after you've been integrated into the family, your boyfriend may still need alone time with his kids. Try to be understanding of this fact. Remember, they will always be the priority.
Strive for positive interactions with your boyfriend's children. Children may be distrustful or hostile to a new romantic partner for their parent. They probably have loyalty to your partner's ex. Understand this going in, and strive to keep interactions positive even if there is tension. Plan to meet in a neutral, public setting at first. Try to plan something fun, and appropriate for the children's ages. You can plan to meet at a kid-friendly restaurant or plan a trip to somewhere like the zoo. Ask about the kids. Ask about their hobbies, interests, favorite movies, favorite TV shows, and so on. You want to show your boyfriend, and his kids, you're making an honest effort to get to know them. When appropriate, share a little about yourself. This can help the kids get to know you better. For example, you can interject something like, "Oh, I loved that movie when I was your age too."
Understand there may be hostility. You will probably not be accepted by the family right away. This is especially true with children. If your boyfriend has gone through a divorce, there may be a lot of skepticism of a new partner. Going into social interactions, keep this is in mind. Remind yourself it's normal not to be best friends with everyone right away. Try to put yourself in your boyfriend's family's shoes. It's understandable they'll have reservations about a new partner, especially if your boyfriend's divorce was difficult or unexpected.
Allow your boyfriend to decide when to introduce you. Never push your boyfriend to introduce you to his family before he is ready, especially his children. There are many reasons your boyfriend may want to hold off on the introductions, and they are usually not personal. Allow him to go at his own pace and be respectful of when and how he chooses to make introductions.
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