How to Console an Inconsolable Friend

Focusing on Your Friend

Acknowledge their grief. One of the most important things you can do to console a friend is to acknowledge and legitimize their grief. Even saying something as simple as “I am so sorry for your loss” will let them know that you know that they’re dealing with something painful.

Make yourself available. Simply saying that you are there for them, whatever they need, is a great way of consoling your friend without being pushy. Just letting them know that you're there if they need you with an open invitation to listen to them vent or cry can help your friend know that they're not alone in their sadness.

Ask how you can help. Something small like running an errand for them so they don’t have to worry about doing it or watching their kids so they can take a nap or have some down time can work wonders for their outlook and stress levels. If you ask how you can help and they say that you can’t, don’t be discouraged. Remember that your friend is hurting, and the fact that you even offered to help won’t go unnoticed. If you know of something you can do for your friend under the radar, then do it. For example, if your friend is struggling with bills after losing their job, then casually stop by with lunch one day. Under the guise of eating lunch, you can spend time with them to cheer them up and also subtly help them out by providing a meal when money is tight.

Be empathetic. Tell your friend that you empathize with their grief. Avoid reasoning; don’t tell them to just deal with it or get over it. Hurting their feelings while they’re down will only compound their sadness. Listen to them attentively, and say that while you aren’t in their shoes, you’re sorry for what they’re going through.

Try to gently cheer them up. Small gestures like stopping by your friend’s home with a meal or sending flowers to let them know you’re thinking of them are great ways to help console your friend. Avoid being pushy or implying that they should be grateful for your gestures. Simply making the effort to do something small to brighten their day can make a huge difference. Knowing you were thinking about them and you cared enough to act on it will mean a lot to them, even if they’re too sad to say so. There's a fine line between trying to cheer your friend up with small, thoughtful gesture like a meal or flowers and bulldozing their feelings with forced positivity. They might not be at a place where they can feel happy, so don't force the issue if they still seem sad after your effort and don't take it personally.

Prioritizing Their Feelings

Avoid making the situation about you. Regardless of your own personal experiences with grief or loss, don’t try to console your friend by talking about yourself. For example, if you lost a grandparent and your friend lost her mother, don’t attempt to make her feel better by talking about how you coped after your own loss. Your situations are not the same, and you each probably have different coping mechanisms.

Do not try to fix it. One of the worst ways to try to console a friend is to tell them how to easily fix their problem. If your friend is inconsolable, chances are that they’ve already considered possible options or scenarios before they got to this point. Even if you think you have a clear solution, they need to come to it on their own.

Do not discount how your friend feels. It’s imperative that you don’t tell your friend that you think their reaction to their grief or loss is silly or irrational. Regardless of how you might deal with a similar situation, you must not tell your friend that their response is inappropriate. Simply telling your friend that whatever they're feeling is completely valid will go a long way in comforting them. Validating their feelings will help them emotionally and help them feel like someone understands what they're going through.

Be emotionally present. Don’t avoid your friend. Avoiding contact with a friend that is hurting does not help their situation and will likely hurt their feelings even more. Going through a loss can be an isolating, lonely experience. Be sure that you are there, even if you don’t live near your friend. A phone call, Skype call, or text message can go a long way to let them know that you’re thinking of them and care about their grief.

Be physically present, if possible. People don’t always want to talk about what’s upsetting them. Sometimes, if you live close enough to your friend, simply being physically near someone and popping over to visit can be comforting. If appropriate, a hug or arm around a friend can speak volumes. Sitting quietly in their presence might be difficult, but just being physically present and sitting with them while they cry is a positive form of consolation.

Consoling After the Fact

Keep checking in. If your friend appears to have moved on from their loss or grief, then that probably means that they are healing from their pain. However, it is still important to check on them to see how they’re doing. Don't assume they are doing better simply because they tell you that they are.

Pay close attention to subtle clues. Your friend might say they are doing better, but are they really doing well? Or are they covering up depression and simply trying to avoid people's pity or judgment? It's important to determine which is the case. When you follow up with your friend look for clues about how they're really doing. Are they keeping their room or home reasonably clean? Are they showering? Are they doing as well in school or at work as they did before their grief? If not, they may not have fully moved on.

Remember that there is no time frame for moving on. Don’t burden your friend with your personal expectations for getting over grief. Whether it’s losing a loved one or losing a job, everyone copes differently and requires different lengths of time to move on from a loss. Let your friend know that it's perfectly fine to take as much time as they need to grieve. This is comforting because you aren't forcing an expectation that they need to "get over it," this will help them feel supported during their grieving process.

Suggest seeking professional help. If you have tried to console your friend on multiple occasions over a long period of time, it might be time to suggest that they seek professional counseling. This is a sensitive subject, so it is vital to avoid sounding judgmental when you make this suggestion. Instead, express your concern that they don’t seem to be improving. See this article for tips on how to Choose a Therapist.

Offer to help with the logistics of therapy. Assisting with any obstacles to getting to therapy appointments, such as transportation or childcare during the appointment, is a great way to help your friend. If these concerns are taken care of, they are more likely to schedule and keep their appointment.