Processing Your Feelings
Recognize that it’s okay to be transgender. You may have heard that gender is a social construct, and what that means is that society has decided that men and women act a certain way. However, not everyone fits into these narrow descriptions, and sometimes how you feel on the inside is different than your biological sex. Give yourself permission to be the person you are because it’s who you’re meant to be.
Learn more about gender to figure out what it means to you. Growing up, you probably learned things like “boys like blue and play sports” or “girls like dolls and dressing up.” However, looking at your friends and family you might realize how silly these descriptors sound. Gender isn’t so clear cut, so read about what researchers and experts have to say about it. Then, decide your own opinions about what gender is to you. Exploring gender stereotypes and how they’re changing might help you realize that it’s totally okay to be transgender. There’s nothing wrong with you!
Ask yourself questions to help you figure out your gender identity. If you’re still questioning yourself, going through a set of questions about gender might help you feel more comfortable with your identity. Be honest with yourself about how you feel and don’t worry about what labels you’re going to use. Just focus on what makes you feel happy. You might ask questions like these: Do I feel comfortable with the gender I was assigned at birth? How do I feel comfortable expressing myself? What gender do I hope people identify me as? How do I picture myself living in the future? What pronouns make me feel comfortable?
Release your feelings through creative expression. Being creative can help you work through your feelings and may help you reach a place of acceptance. Choose a method of expressing your creativity and use it to help you feel better. You might use one of the following outlets: Write about your feelings in a journal, poem, or story. Paint or draw what you’re feeling. Make a collage out of old pictures, clippings from magazines, and scrap paper. Create a playlist that expresses your feelings.
Explore media representations of transgender people. Representation matters, and seeing characters who are like you may help you feel more comfortable with your gender identity. Read books that feature transgender characters and watch movies or TV shows with transgender representation. A few authors who’ve written about transgender experiences include Jamison Green, Kate Bornstein, Leslie Feinberg, Julia Serano, Mattilda, and Louis Sullivan. You might watch shows like Orange is the New Black, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, or The Fosters, which feature transgender characters.
Check out resources for transgender people for help. You might have a lot of questions or concerns about what it means to be transgender. Fortunately, there are a lot of great organizations who are here to help. Visit websites for LGBTQ+ advocacy groups to get your questions answered and to learn more. For example, visit The Trevor Project, the Human Rights Campaign, and GLAAD.
Embracing Yourself as Transgender
Celebrate being a transgender person. Even if you’re not ready to come out, you can still be proud of who you are. Make a list of everything you love about yourself, including your gender identity. Play around with your sense of style to see what feels right to you. Consider creating an online persona for your true gender identity. When you’re ready, express your gender identity to the world. It’s okay to go at your own pace. Coming out can be super scary, so don’t feel like you have to be “out” to celebrate yourself.
Define what being transgender means to you. There’s no “correct” way to be transgender. How you dress, act, and present yourself is totally up to you! Decide how you feel comfortable expressing yourself, and do what makes you happy. For instance, you might decide you want to dress as your true gender. Alternatively, you may just pick clothes you like, regardless of which gender they were made for. There are no rules for how you have to dress or act. It’s okay to adapt how you dress or act as you learn more about yourself. For instance, you might prefer to stick with an androgynous look for the time being, but it’s okay to try gendered clothing if you decide that’s right for you. This also applies to transitioning. You might want to start hormones as soon as you can and may want to someday have gender affirming surgery. However, it’s okay if you choose not to do so.
Be yourself instead of trying to conform. Don't feel ashamed of being who you are! You’re just as important as anyone else, and you deserve to live a life that makes you happy. Dress how you like, enjoy your interests, and don’t worry if others will approve or not. Your gender identity is valid, and there is no shame in pursuing your own mental health and happiness. As an example, you might try out for the school play, the school dance team, or the cheerleading squad if that’s something you enjoy, even if you don’t feel like you fit the “typical” look.
Talk to a doctor if you want to begin hormone therapy. You don’t need to take hormones as a transgender person, but they’re a big help if you plan to transition. Look for a doctor in your area who is experienced in treating transgender patients or who supports the transgender community. Discuss your goals when it comes to transitioning and ask what you need to start hormone therapy, if you want it. Visit websites for the transgender community to see if you can find a recommendation for a doctor. You might also be able to get connected with a doctor through your local LGBTQ+ group. If your parents are supportive, ask them to help you screen your doctors so you can make sure you find someone who’s supportive and respectful of your needs.
Building a Support System
Identify the allies in your life who will be there for you. You likely have friends or relatives who support the LGBTQ+ community. Figure out who you can count on to be there for you, then spend more time with them. Ask them if they’re okay with you coming to them if you’re having a rough day or need some encouragement. Pay attention to how your friends talk about LGBTQ+ issues to see if they seem supportive. You might say something like, “Is it okay if I text you when I’m feeling down? You seem really supportive of the transgender community, and I think it might help to hear your kind words.”
Reach out to other transgender people in real life or online. Talking to someone who’s been through similar experiences can be really helpful. Other people in the transgender community will have a better understanding of what you’re going through than your other friends. Additionally, they’ll be able to provide helpful advice. Try to connect with transgender friends at a local LGBTQ+ group if that’s possible or connect with others online. You may not meet a lot of transgender people in your community, especially if you live in a small town. However, there are a lot of transgender people in the world, and you’re not alone.
Join an online transgender community. Being part of an online community will also give you a place to share your experiences and get advice. There are several online communities hosted by LGBTQ+ advocacy groups. Participate in these communities to find friends and support. You can even remain anonymous if you prefer. Visit the websites for national organizations that advocate for and support transgender people, such as the National Center for Transgender Equality, The Trevor Project, PFLAG, the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), and GLAAD. You might try TrevorSpace by The Trevor Project, which has a forum and connects you with LGBTQ+ friends. Visit The Trevor Project here.
Look for an in-person LGBTQ+ support group at school or in the community. Check with your school to see if there’s an LGBTQ+ club or group for transgender students. Additionally, check with your local community center or library. You might also call local therapists to see if they host a support group. If you live in a small town, you might be able to find a support group in the closest big city. You might try starting a club for LGBTQ+ students if your school doesn’t already have one.
Visit a therapist for additional mental health support. Although there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being transgender, you might have trouble accepting yourself or may go through periods of anxiety or depression. It might be hard to deal with these issues on your own. Additionally, you may need a therapist to help you get approval for hormone therapy or gender affirming surgery, if you want it. Work with a therapist who supports you and helps you feel heard. Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist or look for a therapist online. Check their website to see if they list transgender issues in their services offered. Your therapy sessions may be covered by insurance, so check your benefits. Reader Poll: We asked 641 wikiHow readers who've experienced gender dysphoria, and only 7% of them agreed that the best way to cope is by practicing self-care. [Take Poll] While it’s always important to take care of yourself to the best of your ability, sometimes seeking a therapist is the best thing you can do for your health.
Coming out When You’re Ready
Wait until you feel ready to come out. Don’t feel rushed to come out because it’s okay to do it on your own terms. Some people like to come out right away, but others like to wait. Do what feels right to you because your happiness and comfort are what matters. For instance, you might prefer to come out if you feel like you’re living a lie. However, you might decide to stay in the closet if you’re worried about your safety. Reader Poll: We asked 507 wikiHow readers to tell us how they would respond if someone reacted negatively to them coming out, and only 8% agreed they would ask someone close to them to help change their mind. [Take Poll] So, while that may not be a great strategy according to our readers, try to give them time to digest the news on their own terms.
Practice what you want to say in advance. Coming out can be scary, even if you know your friends or family members love you. Deciding what you want to say in advance may help. Write out what you want to say and then rehearse it aloud. You could say something like, “I’ve been struggling with something for a while lately, and I’d like to open up to you about it. I am a transgender person, and I don’t think I can keep living as my wrong gender. I’m ready to be open about my identity, and I hope you’ll be beside me in support.”
Ask people to call you by your chosen name when you’re ready. You might decide to keep your name if you like it, but it’s common for people who are transgender to pick a name that represents their true gender. You have a right to be called by the name you prefer. When you come out, talk to your family, teachers, and friends to let them know what name you prefer. You can talk to them in person or message them via text or email, whichever is more comfortable for you. For instance, you might talk to your parents and close friends in person. Say something like, “I want you to know that I’m going to be living as my true gender, which is female. From now on, my name is going to be Hailey, so please call me that.” You might send an email to your teachers saying something like, “I am coming out as transgender, so I wanted to tell all of you my chosen name. Please call me Dillon from now on.” You could also post about your name on social media.
Tell people your preferred pronouns. You deserve to use the pronouns that feel right to you. Share your pronouns with the people in your life. If someone calls you the wrong pronoun, speak up and correct them. You might say, “Since I identify as female, I use she/her pronouns,” “I identify as male, so I prefer he/him pronouns,” or “I’m non-binary, so I use they/them pronouns.” If someone uses the wrong pronoun on accident, you might simply say, “She” or “He” to remind them. If someone uses the wrong pronoun more than once, you might say, “I’ve told you my pronouns are they/them. Please respect me by using my correct pronouns.”
Expect lots of questions but only answer if you feel comfortable. It’s likely that some of your friends and relatives won’t understand what it means to be transgender. Additionally, they may just be curious about your experiences. Be prepared for questions, but don’t feel pressured to answer them. Share only what you’re comfortable discussing. People often ask questions like, “When did you realize you’re transgender?” “Does this mean you’re going to date guys now?” or “Are you going to get surgery?” If you don’t want to answer a question, you might say, “That’s something I don’t feel comfortable discussing,” or “That’s very personal.”
Talk to someone you trust first so you have an ally. You might prefer to come out to a close friend or relative before you tell everyone else. Later, you can ask this person to help you tell everyone else. Choose someone you trust to keep things to themself until you’re ready to come out to everyone. Then, take them aside for a private conversation. Say something like, “I need to talk to you about something serious. For a while now I’ve known that I’m not really a girl. I’m really a guy, and I’m ready to come out as transgender. You’re one of my closest friends, so I wanted to talk to you first.”
Talk to people individually or in small groups if you’re nervous. One of the hardest parts of coming out is that you constantly have to do it. Unfortunately, you might feel nervous each time because it’s hard to tell how people will react. When you first come out, it may be easier for you to tell people one-on-one or a few people at a time. Try that to make it feel less overwhelming. For instance, you might tell people in groups of 2-4. You could say, “I’m ready to open up to you about something really important to me. I’m transgender, and I’m ready to start living as my true gender."
Host a coming out party if you want to have a big celebration. You should feel proud of who you are and how brave you are to live your truth. If you feel comfortable having a big party, consider hosting an event to celebrate your coming out. Invite all of your close friends and relatives and make a big announcement. You might give a speech to say something like, “Thank you all for coming out tonight to celebrate me. Ironically, I’m coming out tonight as transgender,” or “I appreciate all of you coming to my party. I wanted to gather everyone important to me to share with you all that I’m ready to live in my truth. I’m transgender, and tonight I’m coming out.”
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