Being a Man of Principle
Be a gentleman, if your spouse wants you to be. Many, though not all, people find the idea of a gentleman sweet and endearing. If your spouse is that kind of person, get ready to bust out your most chivalrous self. Think 17th century manners, or thereabouts: Kiss them hello and goodbye. Take their heavy shopping bags for them. Open doors for them. Pay for dates. Of course, there's always the chance that they don't want you treating them in a gentlemanly way. If they don't, don't take it personally. Continue being sweet to them, even if you don't give them special treatment.
Be respectful. Respect is an act of understanding. Understand that your spouse is an independent, different person, and that they may not want to do the exact same thing as you, even though your interests are usually aligned. Here are four examples of ways you can be respectful of your spouse: Keep your promises. Do what you say you'll do. If you tell them you're going to do the dishes, don't wimp out and then make excuses while they take over your responsibility. Be on time. If you say you're going to be somewhere at a certain time — say, pick up your kid at daycare — be there. Your spouse's time is just as valuable as yours. Respect it. Stop assuming. Don't just assume that they'll do something because they're your spouse. Establish good lines of communication instead. Learn how to ask for a favor. Listen to what they're saying. Don't pretend to listen — actually listen. Sometimes, the only thing we want is a good listener or a shoulder to lean on. Let them talk and be absorbed in what they're saying.
Never lie. Get in the habit of telling the truth. Ask yourself how you would feel if you found out your spouse was keeping anything but a birthday secret from you. Always tell them where you are going if they want to know. Tell them who you are with. Tell them what your motivations are, even if you think they're petty. Being open and never lying establishes great verbal communication, which is at the heart of all great relationships.
Never cheat. It goes without saying, but it must be mentioned. Cheating is a form of lying. You wouldn't be very accepting of your spouse having an affair, so why would you? If you're having an affair, take a good, hard look at your life and ask yourself why you're married to the person you're married to. If you love your spouse but lust after someone else, realize how unfair the situation is. You want the comfort of your spouse, but you're not willing to be exclusive and honest with them. This is selfish behavior at its most basic. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. If you no longer love your spouse, then why are you still married to them? Both of you would probably be much better off if you were given the opportunity to find someone you truly loved, or someone who loved you back. Think about it.
Minimize laziness. Laziness is a major turnoff, and a bad habit to boot. Laziness isn't necessarily watching football on Sunday; laziness is not doing something you know you should or want to do, but can't bring yourself to. So take the garbage out, surprise them once a week by cleaning the house, or exercise to show them you have self-worth. Sometimes doing just one more little thing will make your spouse all the happier. It makes a big difference.
Try not to be selfish. We could debate for hours how selfish humans are, but one thing seems clear: though we are selfish, we have the capacity to be selfless. Love should inspire that selflessness. Instead of always asking what you can do for yourself, start asking what you can do for your spouse, or what you can do for the benefit of your marriage. Minimize jealousy. You may get a little jealous from time to time, and that's okay, as long as you try to not let it affect your spouse's happiness. (It's probably a good sign if you're jealous.) That's because jealousy can be very selfish. Never keep your spouse from doing something just because you're jealous. Compromise. Learn how to reach the middle ground. Often, what you want and what your spouse wants will be totally different. In these cases, adjust your expectations. Don't expect to always get exactly your share or to "win" the argument.
Never raise your voice, yell at, or physically abuse them. Your spouse trusts you to look after their comfort and safety. Don't set a bad example and let your emotions get the better of you. Control your tone, if possible, in an argument: "I'm worried that we're not sticking to our budget. I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just looking out for our long-term happiness and I wanted to have a discussion with you about ways we could both change our spending habits." Resist ad hominem, or personal, attacks. The following is not a healthy way to argue: "Oh yeah? You really want to make sure our children get into a good school? Well why don't you talk to your ex-boyfriend the principal? You seem to have a smashing relationship with him." Never hit, detain, or threaten your spouse with violence. Do not try to use your physical size as an advantage over them. Your spouse could press charges.
Showing Affection
Find little ways to make them feel great. It's funny because, often, the smallest things find a way to nourish a relationship. Ask yourself, what can I do to make my partner even happier? It doesn't have to be earth-shattering to be effective. It's the thought behind it, and the emotion in it, that's the real gift: Work on having a better relationship with your in-laws. Few things are more important for your partner than you having a relationship with their parents. You probably don't see your in-laws every day, but that undersells the importance of the goal: ultimately, they want you to love them like you love your parents. Does your spouse really care about charity? Invest in a microloan in their name, and give it to them as a present. They are now the proud beneficiary of someone else's opportunity. Do things around the house that they normally don't enjoy. If your spouse hates doing the dishes, for example, make them a little "get out dishes free" card, good for a week without dish-duty.
Be open. It might seem weird, but being open with your spouse is indeed a sign of affection: it shows them that you trust them and, more importantly, that you enjoy being intimate with them emotionally. Being open will reassure them that you're taking that step for them.
Show them that you love them. Why did you marry them in the first place? Express to them why you love and how they make you feel everyday. Do this often. It will lead to good habits, promote more love and affection in your marriage, and reduce amounts of stress. Write a short handwritten letter. Put it underneath their pillow; as you kiss them goodbye in the morning, tell them to check underneath the pillow. The note could say something like: "Every day I'm with you, I learn even more about how impossibly lucky I am. I love you." Come up behind them when they know that you're in the same room and give them a heartfelt kiss on the neck while wrapping your arms around them. It'll make their heart melt. Make your own romantic fortune cookie. Find a way to slip a personalized fortune into a fortune cookie your spouse breaks open. Have it read something like: "Only you can make my heart crumble...."
Be supportive. Support them in their honest endeavors. Whether it's supporting them when they want to take Latin dance classes or when they want go out with friends, your support makes them feel safe and lets them take calculated risks. When they have nothing else to fall back on, they know that they can count on you to be their rock, their muse, their lighthouse. When your spouse is feeling down, find a way to cheer them up. Bring them breakfast in bed, massage their feet, or rent their favorite movie. Again, small things can have big meanings.
Put the "man" back in romance. It may not be the first thing that you think of when you wake up in the morning, but romance is essential to a healthy marriage. Don't just assume that because you're married, you don't have to try to be romantic with your spouse anymore. Not only is that thought misguided — what if your spouse decided that they didn't have to watch their weight once married? — it also takes some of the fun out of marriage. So be a man and do the manly thing. Be romantic. Do date nights at least once a month. Some couples manage to find the time to go on dates every week, but once a month is sufficient. Plan a date that evokes a great date you went on earlier in your courtship, or plan a date that gets the blood pumping again: skydiving, whale watching, or a movie, to name a few. Celebrate your anniversary. Your anniversary is really important to your spouse, and it should be to you too. It has symbolic meaning in addition to providing an opportunity to renew your love. Forgetting your anniversary is a big no-no. At the very least, have a dinner planned and a bottle of wine chilled. Keep intimate relations in bed strong. Don't let things dry up in bed, or take things for granted. Seek to please your spouse as much as they please you, and keep exploring their and your own sexuality through one another.
Putting it All Together
Trust them completely. A lot of the things mentioned in this tutorial revolve around trust. If you don't trust your partner, you're probably living in a pretty miserable place. Learn to trust your spouse in the same way that you want them to trust in you.
Reveal your personality. Marriage is an enduring opportunity to get to know somebody better and better over many, many years. If you keep an aspect of your personality secret or just closed off, you're probably not getting all that you want out of your marriage. It really does go to show: you get what you give. Have long conversations; make them laugh; share interests, hobbies and occupations; take them somewhere that has personal significance to you; encourage them to get to know your extended family (and do the same for theirs); engage in debate; share fears, doubts, and vulnerabilities; be who you are, not who you think they want you to be.
Remember the golden rule. The golden rule is not only important to our idea of morality, it also helps us navigate the sometimes stormy waters of a marriage. The golden rule is that you do unto others as you would have them do to you. All this means is "put yourself in their shoes" before you act. Of course, you need to have the right sort of perspective if you're going to use the golden rule, and you can't lie to yourself about what other people want. If you're unsure about something, ask yourself "What would I want to happen if I were in my partner's position?" This is generally a good exercise for you to engage in.
Share your religion with your spouse, if you are religious. Draw on your faith for strength, and actively seek meaning with your partner on your life's journey. Give yourself to your spouse as much as you give to your god. Maintain your values throughout.
Take pride in your appearance. Of course, the most important for last: practice good hygiene, look sharp as a tac — inside and outside of the house — and make sure you keep up the same general level of cleanliness that your spouse does. If you care about how well your spouse dresses and how often they brush their teeth, they're sure to care about the same things. And that's the way it should be between two people who love each other, shouldn't it?
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