How to Apologize to a Friend

Roadmapping a Real Apology

Accept full responsibility for the events. If you really want to apologize to your friend, then you have to accept full responsibility for what you have done to him or her. If you don't think you should really apologize, are mad at your friend for doing something else, or think that your friend is overreacting and being dramatic, then don't even bother. You either apologize fully or you don't apologize at all -- got it? Say something like, "I know I really let you down when I didn't go to your birthday party. I know how much it meant to you." You can also say, "I am so sorry that I kissed your crush last week. I don't know what I was thinking, and I've been kicking myself over it ever since. Your friendship means way more to me than a dumb boy." If you're making excuses during your apology, you're a bad friend. End of story. Don't say, "I'm sorry that I didn't go to your party, but..." Giving an excuse for what you did is worse than not apologizing at all because it implies you're not really that sorry.

Say you're sorry. That's right. This is the most important part. Suck it up and spit it out. Say, "I'm really sorry that I did that." Or, "I'm really sorry that I..." Make it clear that you are sorry about something that you've done to hurt your friend. This may be the hardest task, so take a deep breath, make eye contact with your friend, and say that you are really sorry. Don't say something like, "I'm sorry that you were so upset..." This is some terrible, passive aggressive crap that basically blames them, not you. Like making excuses, it makes you a bad friend.

Apologize for how you've made your friend feel. After you accept responsibility for what you've done and have said that you were sorry, you have to acknowledge that you really hurt your friend. Show them that you're aware of how you have made your friend feel. This will make your friend see that you have put a lot of thought and effort into considering every angle of what you've done and that you feel really terrible about your actions. Say something like, "I can't imagine how disappointed you were when I didn't show up to your birthday party. You have been planning it for such a long time and I know you wanted it to be perfect." Or, "I know you were incredibly hurt when I kissed Collin. You have had a crush on him for months and must have been heartbroken."

Tell them their friendship is more important than your pride or faults. Let your friend see that your friendship is more important than anything else in the world and that you know you need to redefine your priorities in the future. Your friend should see that whatever you did wasn't worth it and that you wish that you could start over and put your friend first in mind instead. Be humble and honest. This isn't the time for lame half-truths like, "you know I'm your friend." This is the time for "I'm your friend, but I didn't act like it. I will from here on out." Say, "I missed your birthday party. I shouldn't have done that. I made a commitment to you and dropped it, but I won't take my promises so lightly again." Say, "I can't believe what I did with Collin. He means nothing to me and you mean everything to me. Our friendship is more important to me than any romantic relationship."

Find a way to make it up to them. Again, don't try and buy them out with fancy things. Things don't create friendships, conversations do. Take them out for dinner, make plans to hang out soon, and return to friendship. This is your friend, and it shouldn't be hard to make time for them if you really care about their feelings. Say, "I'll never flake on you again. I won't leave you high and dry in the future. When I say I'll be somewhere, I'll be there. Let me take you out to a private birthday party at the movies/dinner/the park/laser tag/etc." Say, "I'll never try to even flirt with someone you have a crush on. I know how much your crushes mean to you and I won't interfere with your romantic life again."

Ask for forgiveness. After you've said all of the things you've had to say, ask your friend, "Will you forgive me?" Hopefully, your friend will see how much your friendship means to you and will forgive you right away. Then you can hug, show how happy you are, and be relieved that you made it through the apology. And if your friend needs a little more time and won't forgive you, at least you can tell yourself that you tried. There is little more you can do than offer a sincere apology. If they don't take it, that is on them, not you, and you shouldn't keep pushing them to forgive you -- it won't work. A simple "Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?" will mean the world. No one likes asking for forgiveness, that's what makes it so meaningful when you do! Don't skip this step just because you're too proud -- it's important.

Showing Sincere Remorse

Always apologize in person -- it means so much more. Unless you and your friend live far away from each other, your best bet is to apologize in person. Anything else could be considered lame, and make you look like a lame friend. Sending flowers or gifts is okay, but if you do this kind of thing instead of talking to your friend face to face then you're just hiding behind gifts. And flowers aren't going to pipe up and say "I'm sorry." If you want your apology to sound sincere, then no expensive gift or ornate bouquet is going to beat a face-to-face meeting. If your friend is really far away, then call or Skype them. It's not perfect, but it is way better than ignoring things until you see each other again.

Let tension and tempers die down before moving in with an apology. Is it pretty minor, like not showing up to your friend's party when you said you would, or is it something serious, like hooking up with your friend's boyfriend? If it's minor, then you should act fast and apologize to your friend as soon as you both have some free time. Just get it done with. If your friend needs some time for her wounds to heal, then give her a few days to calm down -- your apology isn't going to mean much if they want to beat the crap out of you whenever they see you talking. You should know your friend better than most people. Is he or she the kind of person who needs a lot of time to cool off, or who forgives pretty easily? How bad was it last time you hung out? If you know your friend is going to be under an incredible amount of stress or is dealing with something personal, then just chill out and hold on. Your apology, remember, is about them, not about you.

Know what exactly you're apologizing for instead of just lobbing out a generic "sorry." Apologies should be heartfelt. But they should also tick off the following boxes: Taking full responsibility for what you've done. Noticing how it's made the other person feel. Including the words "I'm sorry." Showing how grateful you are for the friendship. Planning to make things up or be better next time.

Own up and apologize, not matter how hard it seems. When you find that it's time to apologize, don't dilly dally and wait for your friend to approach you. If your friend approaches you about what you've done, then you already run the risk of looking like a wimp or a bad friend, so strike while the iron is hot (but when your friend has cooled off). Make apologizing to your friend a priority. If you don't care about doing it quickly, why do you even want to apologize? Apologies can be hard. But they're necessary. Get over your fears and pride and remember that you hurt someone you love.

Making Little Apologies

Write a letter to your friend saying sorry. When writing you letter, make sure it's sincere and apologetic. This could also be a good idea if they're too angry to see you in person. Make sure, however, that you write that you want to see them in person -- don't hide behind a letter or an email. You have to do this face to face sooner or later.

Send flowers. This is a more dramatic peace offering, but it can help make your friend feel better and like you've really made an effort. Include a small card that also says your sorry so your friend feels more special. Not everyone will be impressed, though, and this can be seen as your attempt to cover up something you did. The workaround? Don't let it be a cover up -- you still need to see them in person!

Apologize to your friend over the phone. If you and your friend live far apart, then the best way to apologize may be over the phone. Just call your friend, be sincere, and do the same things you would do in person: accept responsibility, apologize, promise to never do it again, ask for forgiveness, etc. This may be a little harder because it'll be more challenging to read your friend and see how he or she is actually feeling. Stay on the line when you're done, letting the conversation turn to other topics, like old friends would. Don't apologize over voicemail -- it is just tacky and insincere. If they don't call you back, too bad. They're not ready for the apology, and you need to go in person.

Never say sorry over txt or FB. If you're really sorry for something you've done, then sending a text message or Facebook message just isn't going to cut it. This is pretty impersonal and doesn't show much effort on your part. Sure, it's harder to suck it up and call the person or talk to him or her face to face, but this shows that you actually care about the friendship. Apologies are about you being sorry for your mistakes -- it is your job, therefore, to go apologize in person like a grown man or woman would.