Funny Roasts for Guy Friends
Drop a lighthearted one-liner to prompt loads of laughter. If you’re trying to roast your buddies in a creative way, joke about their age, appearance, or silly habits or quirks. With that being said, Bilotta says to “respect the other person’s boundaries” and “avoid joking about topics that can be triggering.” Delivering your line with a smile, giggle, or squeeze on the shoulder can go a long way and reassure them you’re just teasing! Go fall into a bucket of slime. You look like a Wii character. You built like a windshield wiper. I just know you were a leash kid. I feel like you’d be really easy to draw. You look like you chew on your straws. You look like you use spray deodorant. I hope you accidentally step on a Lego. You’re as useless as the “g” in “lasagna.” You look like you’d be allergic to peanuts. It makes sense that you’re a middle child. I feel like you still kiss your mom on the lips. You look like you’d run like a GTA character. I’m not bored enough to talk to you right now. Your face looks like a bowl of mashed potatoes. You’re the type of person to respond to spam emails. You’re the human equivalent of a participation award. You’re not stupid—you just have bad luck with thinking. I’ll never forget the first time we met, but I’ll keep trying. You’re the reason why we have directions on shampoo. You remind me of the cinnamon stick from Apple Jacks. I think you deserve a high five…in the face…with a chair. Every time I have a stick in my hand, you look like a pinata. You’re so ugly that when you take a bath, the water jumps out. Every time I think you can’t get any dumber, you prove me wrong. Our friendship is all about balance. You start talking…I stop listening. You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die. If laziness were a competition, you’d come in second because you’d be too lazy to compete. Yo momma’s so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.
Playful Roasts for a Crush
Highlight your crush’s weird quirks or habits to flirt with him. According to Bilotta, "humor is a great way to break the ice and show you're interested in getting to know him better." Focus on small quirks and habits that your crush chooses to do, instead of things he can’t change about himself. The best way to flirt with a guy is to stick to playful teasing that doesn't take itself too seriously! Are those bowling shoes? You look like you use Axe. Your perfume smells so sweet. Your Clash of Clans base sucks. You look like you can’t ride a bike. Shock me. Say something intelligent. You want to hear a good joke? Your life. I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you. Do you get off on making people hate you? How does it feel to get mogged all the time? If you had two brains, you’d be twice as stupid. OMG, I have the same necklace from Amazon! I may love to shop, but I’m not buying your crap. I can’t tell what’s worse…Your IQ or your hairline. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me either. You bring me so much joy…when you leave the room. If you fear success, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Why play hard to get when you’re already hard to want? I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt yours? It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice. Do you work at a grocery store? Then stop checking me out. You look like someone dropped a lollipop at the barber shop. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off? You must be a magician. How did you escape the circus again? Are you always an idiot, or do you just show off when I’m around? I would say you’re dumb as a rock, but at least a rock can hold the door open. You can be anything you want in life…other than rich, handsome, and successful. I thought you were attractive when I first saw you, but then you opened your mouth. I know your parents told you that you could be anything you wanted, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t mean a douchebag.
Silly Roasts for Brothers
Put your sibling in their place with a silly and savage comeback. Whether you’re older or younger, there are tons of lines you can use to roast your brother. Joke about his personality for a classic burn, or remind him that you’re more successful, attractive, and intelligent than he’ll ever be. It’s the perfect way to reignite some friendly sibling rivalry, as long as you avoid his insecurities and keep things respectful. Do you exist to annoy people? If I give you a dollar, will you leave? Please find somewhere else to exist. You skipped the “being normal” gene. You’re the reason why I don’t want kids. You might be older, but you’re not wiser. You were born first, but I’m still taller than you. I can’t wait to spend my whole life without you. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your grades. I’m sure your friends collectively make fun of you. Congratulations on getting your PhD in annoyance. I wish I could sell you, but you don’t have any value. Let’s play a game. For the rest of the week, don’t talk to me. You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day. It took Mom and Dad two tries before they had the perfect kid. Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology. I get so emotional when you’re not around. It’s called happiness. Maybe you should get a life instead of being so invested in mine. The real heroes in the world are the ones who have to live with you. Don’t you ever get exhausted from talking about yourself all the time? How do your friends deal with you? Oh, that’s right—you don’t have any. You’re so ugly that when Mom gave birth to you, she got a fine for littering. Mom and Dad said we could be anything. I guess you chose disappointment. You know the phrase “aging like fine wine?” Well, you’ve aged like milk in the sun. Funny, I just got back from the center of the universe and I didn’t see you anywhere. Did you notice that in every photo before your birth, mom and dad have huge smiles? When I see you coming, I get pre-annoyed. I figured it’s smart to prepare ahead of time. You must be so proud of yourself! How did you manage to accomplish nothing in 18 years? I’m the reason you were born, and you’re the reason Mom and Dad decided to stop having kids.
Savage Roasts for Haters
Come up with a cutthroat comeback to catch your bullies off guard. Are you feeling super, super savage? Save these lines for your opps, or any occasion you need to shut down the conversation. They're guaranteed to make the other person question their existence and create a “mic drop” moment, so use them with extreme caution! You look like a “before” photo. It’s difficult to underestimate you. I believed in evolution until I met you. You look like you don’t clean your ears. Even Bob Ross would call you a mistake. If ugly was a day, you’d be an entire year. Those are some big words for a small boy. Row, row, row your boat gently down a cliff. You’re proof that God has a sense of humor. You’re the reason the divorce rate is so high. You’re talking to me like you’re 6’5” right now. Brush your teeth before you open your mouth. Don’t you have to get a license to be that ugly? I would hit you, but that would be animal abuse. It’d be nice if you used glue instead of chapstick. Your opinion is almost as bad as your eyebrows. Your teeth are so yellow, even the sun is jealous. If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in better shape. You look like Bob the Builder and Shrek had a baby. You look like you play spin the bottle at family reunions. Life is full of disappointments. I just added you to the list. Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there. I’d give you a dirty look, but it looks like you already have one. I’d love to insult you but it won’t be as good as what nature did. I’d love to stay and chat, but I’d rather have open heart surgery. I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you. You’re the type of person to look up and down before crossing the road. I was going to make a joke about your life, but it looks like life got there first. I was going to roast you, but then I heard burning trash is an environmental hazard.
Mean Roasts to Insult a Man
Poke fun at his height, hairline, or ego to shock him into silence. Hide your kids and call emergency services—these burns will definitely bruise his ego! If a man is being straight up disrespectful, cut to the chase with any of these crushing comebacks. He’ll probably be too stunned to speak and remember it for the next 7-8 business days. Your ego is taller than you. You look like you can’t swim. You have such dainty hands. I’ve pulled more girls than you. You’re mad at your mom, not me. I wish my hair was as thin as yours. Have you ever heard of a gua sha? You’re worse than Kendrick Perkins. You know they sell shoe inserts, right? You have the charisma of a door knob. Did you get shorter? Oh, never mind… Was your barber in a rush or something? You can’t talk down to me from that height. You have the emotional depth of a raindrop. Your flirting game is as weak as your hairline. Are you wearing a toupee? It looks so natural! Just remember, my friends call you “which one?” It’s nice to see someone like you be so confident. You’re acting way too tall for your height right now. You look like your party trick is spelling Mississippi. Your friends definitely have a group chat without you. You have all these big dreams that amount to nothing. I’m getting the overhead on your bald spots…back up. I’m not arguing with a man that’s looking at me at eye level. Why should I lower my standards so you can get a chance? You’re talking too loud for someone I can’t wear heels around. Why don’t you take a step back and start acting like your hairline. You look like your favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. I think it’s great that you don’t let your hairline hold you back from approaching women.
Good Roasts that Rhyme
Throw out a rhyming roast to elevate your insult game. If you want to win the title of roast king, pull out your paper and pen and start scheming. Replace the words in a common nursery rhyme, or get creative and come up with your own rhyming one-liner. Think of the process as writing a rhyming poem, or use the following options for inspiration: Hickory dickory dock, you built like a Roblox. Fee-fi-fo-fum, your breath stank so chew some gum. Twinkle, twinkle little star, you’re the definition of subpar. Eenie meenie miny moe. Your face looks like my big toe. If I’m a 5, then you’re a 2. Faces like yours belong in a zoo. Twinkle, twinkle little star, I want to run you over with my car. Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I’d throw it at you. Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought I was ugly until I met you. Roses are red, the sky is blue. I mind my own business, why don’t you? Your comebacks are a little thin, maybe they got lost in your double chin. I’m the type of person to laugh at mistakes, so sorry if I laugh at your face. Roses are red, violets are blue. I have three fingers, the third one’s for you. Roses are red, violets are blue. If you don’t shut up, I’m going to punch you. Roses are red, violets are blue. The smell of rotten eggs reminds me of you. Roses are red, violets are blue. The bottom of my laptop is still hotter than you. Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d rather be single than with someone like you. I’m trying not to make fun of you, but you can’t even count higher than number two. What do you mean people call you fine? That outfit you’re wearing is a serious crime.
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