Cheaters may lie or deny what happened.
Lying is a common reaction to accusations of cheating. An unfaithful partner may completely deny what happened, or they may lie about specific details, such as how long the affair went on or whether it’s still happening. They might also say things to make you doubt yourself, like “You’re just being paranoid,” or “That’s crazy, why would you think that?” This form of deception is called “gaslighting.” Spotting the difference between a lie and an honest denial can be tricky. If you don’t have strong evidence that your partner cheated, you may need to look for other signs that they’re lying. Someone who is lying or hiding something might fidget, sweat, turn pale, or speak in a higher voice than usual. They might also either look away or make stronger, more prolonged eye contact than normal when talking to you.
They may find ways to avoid the topic.
Some cheaters deflect or change the subject. Rather than answering your questions, they might fire back with a question or accusation of their own, or start an argument about an unrelated issue. This tactic is a form of stonewalling (when someone refuses to communicate with their significant other in order to avoid dealing with conflict). For example, they may say something like, “Why can’t you just let me have a nice weekend? You’re always trying to pick fights.”
Some cheaters get angry when confronted.
When someone is feeling defensive, they may lash out. Don’t be surprised if they raise their voice, snap at you, or look irritated when you bring up the issue. In fact, people who are being unfaithful to their partners often act unusually irritable or look for excuses to pick fights, even when you’re not directly confronting them about what’s going on. For instance, if you confront them, they might say something like, “I already told you nothing happened, so stop asking!” Or, “I can’t believe you’d say something like that! What’s wrong with you?”
Many cheaters try to blame their partners.
This is a common tactic when a cheater gets caught. It can be truly shocking to have your significant other admit to having an affair—only to turn around and blame the whole thing on you. But it’s not unusual for people to shift the blame to their partners in order to justify what they did and reduce their own feelings of guilt. For instance, they might say something like, “Well, if you weren’t so distant all the time, I wouldn’t have done it.” Or, “I only did it because our sex life has been so dull lately.” They might also try to blame the person they had an affair with. For example, “He kept coming onto me. It was just too hard to resist.” Janis Abrahms Spring Janis Abrahms Spring, Relationship Expert Confronting a cheating partner often sparks intense reactions—shock, denial, defensiveness, blame, guilt, remorse, promises to reform. Brace for unpredictable responses as overwhelming emotions erupt. Rather than make demands, create space for open dialogue about causes and concrete ways to nurture intimacy, trust and fulfillment moving ahead. With time and dedication, some emerge stronger.
Cheaters often make excuses.
Excuses help cheaters rationalize their behavior. Studies show that people who cheat use a variety of mental “tricks” to help them feel better about their behavior. One common tactic is to make up excuses. Just like shifting the blame, this is a way for the unfaithful person to avoid taking full responsibility for their actions. Common excuses might include things like: “It’s just something guys do. We can’t help it.” “I don’t know what came over me. I think it’s all the stress I’ve been under at school, I’m just not myself.” “I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing.”
They may try to make the cheating sound less serious.
This is another way that cheaters deal with guilt. Minimizing is similar to making excuses. While an unfaithful romantic partner might admit what they did, they may then look for ways to make the cheating sound less serious than it actually was. For instance, they might say things like: “It was just sex. It didn’t really mean anything.” “It only happened a couple of times.” “I don’t actually love her, so it doesn’t count.” “That happened a long time ago.”
Sometimes cheaters play the victim card.
They may act hurt, even if they admit to cheating. It’s natural for someone who’s had an affair to feel sad or remorseful about what happened. However, some cheaters will take it a step further and try to make their partner feel sorry for them, or even try to make their significant other feel guilty for being upset. For instance, they might say things like: “Why won’t you stop punishing me? I already feel terrible about what happened.” “You’re making me feel so bad about myself, like I’m a monster or something.” “All I can say is ‘I’m sorry,’ but I guess that’s never going to be good enough.”
The cheater may accuse you of cheating.
This reaction can be especially frustrating. Turning the tables is a common form of deflection among cheaters. When you confront them, they may try to claim that you’re the one who’s been unfaithful—even if they have no evidence at all to back it up. For example, they might say things like, “Well, what about all the time you spend texting your coworker? Maybe I’m the one who should be worried.”
They might confess or apologize.
Cheaters sometimes come clean when you confront them. This is more likely if you have strong evidence of the affair, but they might also fess up simply because they feel bad. If your partner does confess, pay close attention to how they behave after that. Did they offer a sincere apology? Do you see evidence that they’re willing to change? In some cases, your partner may take the confession as an opportunity to admit that they’re unhappy in the relationship and want to move on. However, this isn’t always the case. They may also ask for a chance to make amends and continue the relationship. If they apologize, ask yourself whether the apology seems sincere. In a sincere apology, the person apologizing takes full responsibility for what they did and offers to try to make things right.
Stay calm when confronting them.
They’re more likely to open up if they don’t feel threatened. Unfortunately, there’s no guaranteed way to get someone to confess to cheating. They’ll be more likely to confess if you have clear evidence of what happened and you’re able to stay calm when you confront them. Try saying things like, “I believe this is a problem we can fix together, but it’s important that we be honest with each other. Please tell me what happened.” Avoid making accusations that put them on the defensive, or focusing on the possible consequences of their actions. They’re less likely to confess if they’re worried about what will happen if they tell the truth.
Take time to decide what to do next.
There are no easy answers when someone cheats. Finding out that your partner has been unfaithful can be incredibly difficult. You might want to end the relationship, or you might want to try to make things work. Either way, it’s okay if you don’t know what to do right away. Give yourself time and space to think things over and decide what feels right to you. Sometimes it’s a good idea to take a break from the relationship while you decide what to do next. If they admit what happened and give you a sincere apology, that’s a good sign that the relationship can be repaired. On the other hand, if they lash out or try to blame you, then it may be time to move on.
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