How to Tell If She Misses You During No Contact: 12 Common Signs

Signs that Your Ex Misses You During No Contact

She asks your friends about you. If your ex has started messaging your friends and chatting them up– especially if she had no relationship with them before the breakup– it could mean that she’s missing you. Technically, she’s not breaking the no contact rule, but she's trying to get as close to you as possible without actually reaching out to you. Speaking to your friends could provide her with insights into your new life without her, which could bring her either peace or panic. If you and your ex share a friend group, it’s also possible that she’s simply trying to maintain her friendships even post-breakup. It might be a good idea to set clear boundaries with your friends as far as what you’d like them to say and not to say.

She still follows you on social media and is posting up a storm. If her social media posts lead you to believe that she’s single and seemingly miserable, she might be trying to get your attention. Following former beaus on social media has a tendency to get messy, as the ex will likely post 1 of 2 types of content: either depressing quotes and memes or photos to make you jealous. She might be hoping that giving you glimpses into her life could stir up old feelings and lead you to consider rekindling the flame of your romance. In some cases, if she’s posting photos with what appears to be a new love interest, it may not be to make you jealous, but instead to simply let the world know she’s met someone new, which may sting if you're not fully healed. If she’s still following you on social media, you have option of unfollowing her and/or removing her as your follower if you prefer an out-of-sight-out-of-mind approach.

She hasn’t started dating anyone new. Expert opinions vary on how long one should wait to begin dating again after a break-up and it has a ton to do with how long the relationship lasted, the conditions under which it ended, and the likelihood of getting back together. If your ex hasn’t found someone new, it could be due to the fact that she’s not looking for anyone new… because she’s still looking you. Relationship experts often suggest waiting 6-12 months before stepping out on a first date. This period of time may be enough for you mourn your relationship while gaining emotional stability. Signs that you’re ready to date again include acceptance of the breakup, participating in self-reflection and self-improvement, and feeling genuine excitement at the prospect of meeting someone new.

She keeps in touch with your family. If your ex stays in touch with your family, she may be trying to find another in with you. Reaching out to family is really only appropriate if she built rapport with them before your breakup, which is typically only true of more serious relationships. If she did have a wonderful relationship with your mom or siblings, for example, it could make the breakup harder as she's losing more than one person close to her. If she never actually met them or only interacted with them a few times, your ex may be grasping at straws just to get to you. Relationship experts recommend taking a break from certain people, places, and things that can remind you of your ex, including mutual friends and family. Set clear boundaries with your family about how to communicate with your ex should she reach out, including blocking her if necessary.

She talks to other people about you and your relationship. If your ex can’t keep your name out of her mouth during no contact, she probably misses you. Psychologically speaking, ex-lovers who are truly done with previous partners tend to create new mental and emotional spaces where thoughts of their ex can't thrive. If your ex is talking to everyone she knows about you , how sorry she is at the way things ended, or how she still thinks about you often, then yes, these are all dead giveaways that she wants you back. Although speaking about you constantly to others does suggest that she’s not over you, the content of what she’s saying is important too. If she’s feeling scorned and speaking ill of you from a place of pain, then she might just still be struggling through the grieving process. If she’s praising you and speaking highly of the relationship, the chances that she wants a do-over are high.

She is trying to work on her flaws. After a relationship ends, it’s normal for us to hold a mirror up to ourselves and ask, “What can I change so this never happens again?” Perhaps your ex is acting on feedback you gave her, like picking up more hobbies or finally prioritizing her health. Or, perhaps, she’s trying to make herself better in every way so that she’s able to catch your eye… again. Other unhealthy, yet common, post-breakup behaviors include ones surrounding food, like going back and forth between binge eating and having no appetite, along with excessive drinking.

She calls you when she’s drunk. As previously mentioned, your ex might be consuming more alcohol than normal in order to numb the grief of a breakup. This could result in drunken, late night phone calls or text messages, in which she could be simply trying to make conversation, apologizing, professing her undying love, insulting you, or any combination of all four. Your ex is likely to experience regret and embarrassment in the morning, so proceeding with cation as to how you reply is key. Other reasons why your ex girlfriend might drunkenly contact you include because they’re looking for an ego-boost, validation, or affection from someone who is comfortable and familiar. Additionally, they might just be seeking a sexual encounter. You can respond with any version of, “If you still want to discuss this in the morning when you’re sober, give me a call.” You could also set firm boundaries asking them to stop contacting you, which may ultimately involve blocking them.

She sends you a long apology letter or email. Some people have– or choose to have– a very limited understanding of what constitutes a no-contact agreement. In general, going no contact means that neither party reaches out to the other in any way, whether that be in person, through call or text, via email, and yes, even an old fashioned, hand written letter. However, if your ex decides that email and snail mail are both viable loopholes, then that hints at unresolved feelings and the desire to get you back. Your ex may send a lengthy email or letter for multiple reasons. Wanting closure is one of them, as expressing all their emotions may feel therapeutic. Your ex may also use this opportunity to apologize profusely for their bad behavior during the relationship, seeking your forgiveness. Of course, a grand gesture like this could mean they want a second chance at love with you, naming all the ways in which things would be different this time.

She shows up at places where she knows you’ll be. Again, this might be another loophole to the no contact rule, as frequenting places where she knows you might be is not exactly reaching out. Instead, it’s more hopeful than purposeful, although it definitely still signals that she wants to see you and, therefore, misses you. If you have shared hobbies in common, like trivia night at a specific bar or pickle ball at the neighborhood court, it’s possible that bumping into her there might be a matter of coincidence and nothing more. Returning to a place where you know your ex might be or that you frequented together could be met with both positive or negative consequences. For example, it could stir up old feelings of romance and regret, sending you into an emotional downward spiral. However, it could also give you an opportunity to reflect and transform old memories into new ones with different people under different circumstances.

She hasn’t made any major life changes. Although more subtle than waiting for you at your favorite local haunt, not making any huge changes in her life and routine implies that she’s still waiting for you to come around. If she hasn’t moved, changed jobs, or made a brand new circle of friends, it might mean that she’s leaving room for a smooth and seamless reconciliation for the both of you. Psychologically, she might figure that keeping her life just as you left it– perhaps with a few minor improvements to her appearance– will entice you to slide back into the cozy love bubble you once shared. Whether this tactic works or not is up to you. If your significant other has moved homes, cities, or states post-breakup, they might still be missing you in some way, but they’ve likely closed the door on getting back together.

She hasn’t returned your stuff. If your ex is holding on to the things you’ve left behind, whether they be a hoodie, a spare key, or a video game console, she’s keeping them as emotional collateral, hoping you reach out to ask for them back. Now, if you were to do this, it would be a violation of your no contact agreement, which may be exactly what she wants–for you to break first. There’s other possible explanations, too. Perhaps she developed sentimental value for your belongings as they may be all she has to remember you and the relationship by. Or, maybe, it’s too painful to return the items to you, as she’d then have to face you, which could easily stir up painful feelings. It’s recommended that items be returned 1-2 months after the breakup, after heated emotions have simmered down. Gifts are an exception and should typically be kept by the person who received them, unless they’re a family heirloom or hold some other important value in the eyes of your ex.

She reaches out. The most undeniable sign that she misses you and wants you back… is her telling you exactly that. Breaking no contact sends a clear message that your ex needed to speak to you so badly that they violated the agreed-upon rules, which may as well be an admission of lingering feelings. However, what they’re actually saying when they break no contact is crucial. If they’re angry and insulting you, perhaps they don’t want you back as much as they want to elicit a reaction out of you. If they’re just making casual conversation, perhaps they do miss you, but more as a friend than a romantic partner, as the loneliness that follows a breakup can be one of the toughest parts to navigate. If you do end up considering reconciliation, ask yourself the following questions: was our relationship toxic? Have we both reflected on necessary changes? And, what would be different this time around?

What to Do If You Miss Her Too

Remember why your relationship didn’t work in the first place. There’s nothing wrong with missing your ex. In fact, it’s pretty normal, and they’re probably feeling the same way towards you. After a breakup, your brain is still attached to this person who was an important part of your life and no longer is, leading to conflicting feelings. The important thing to remember is that your relationship didn’t work out, either because you chose to end it or because they did. No matter what, the bad ultimately outweighed the good, and you should remind yourself of all the issues that lead to the downfall of the relationship. Memory is an excellent tool, especially when it comes to not repeating the same mistakes.

Consider the consequences of reaching out. If you keep “bumping into” your ex or continue hearing about her from friends and family, reaching out may feel like a totally natural thing to do, if only just to say, “Hey! How have you been?” However, think about what breaking no contact would mean for your emotional state, as well as your ex’s. If you’re far along on your healing journey, you should have no need for closure, and talking to her again might bring up negative feelings or give her false hope about getting back together. It might be best to let sleeping dogs lie. If she ends up breaking no contact and reaching out to you, you can cross that bridge when you get there

Set boundaries. If your ex-girlfriend breaks no contact and you decide to start talking to her again because you miss her, too, set some clear boundaries from the start. Creating boundaries is critical for personal growth, allowing you to concentrate on your self, your needs, and your ambitions. Start slow with biweekly check-ins and see how you feel from there. Your ex might try to breach those boundaries and make up with you, but stand firm in your convictions. Missing someone is not grounds for allowing them to mistreat you… again.

Questions You May be Asking Yourself Post-Breakup

“What is my ex feeling during no contact?” This is a complicated question with a complicated answer. In short: what she’s thinking totally depends on various factors, such as how long the relationship lasted, how it ended, and whether or not either of you have moved on. In most cases however, your ex is likely feeling a mix of emotions, from anger to sadness to anxiety, and sometimes even regret. After a breakup, the brain experiences withdrawal symptoms as if love were a drug. In fact, both drugs and love light up the same pleasure areas of the brain, leading to an intense chemical dump once a relationship ends. So, yes, your ex probably misses you to some extent. After surveying over 3500 people, a 2022 study revealed that about 15% of exes get back together and stay together, and about 14% get back together and break up again.

“How long will it take for her to miss me?” Again, this varies on a case-by-case basis. Each person handles grief differently and there’s no one-size-fits-all timeline. Research shows that missing an ex can vary by gender, as well, with women being able to “get over” a breakup faster than a man who is not equipped with tools to really process his emotions. So, it could be that she misses you within a month after the breakup, but is able to work through those emotions in order to get back to a stable place, reminding herself why the relationship failed and seeking the support of friends. Men, on the other hand, may take longer to miss their ex, about 2-3 months, but the realization that their ex is really gone might hit them even harder later on.

"Will she forget my mistakes during no contact?" Although it’s not likely that your ex will fully forget your mistakes, it’s possible that she will idealize the entire relationship. Remembering the positive aspects of our past relationships is the brain’s way of validating certain choices, even if we know in our heart of hearts that they weren’t the healthiest ones for us to make. There’s also the fear of loneliness, which is strong enough to cloud our judgment when it comes to reflecting on the past. Instead of thinking all your past mistakes will be forgotten, focus on self-growth so those mistakes don’t repeat themselves in future relationships— even if it ends up being with the same person.