Offering Emotional Support
Offer him a chance to talk about how he's feeling. He will most likely be feeling dysphoric, as he feels masculine but has to go through a monthly cycle that is considered "feminine." This can be traumatic and upsetting to go through. Let him get it off his chest; you don't have to say anything if you don't know what to say, sometimes just lending him a shoulder to cry on can be enough. EXPERT TIP Lauren Urban, LCSW Lauren Urban, LCSW Licensed Psychotherapist Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use. Lauren Urban, LCSW Lauren Urban, LCSW Licensed Psychotherapist Our Expert Agrees: As a partner, loved one or ally of someone who is in transition, it can be difficult to know how to be a good support system, especially if the person is facing dysphoria of menstruation, despite living their male gender identity. It is important to remember that present with them and allowing them to speak about their feelings without you trying to "fix" anything is the most loving and supportive act you can do. In addition to listening empathetically, remind them to be gentle with themselves. The dysphoria they feel doesn't change the person they are.
Give him a hug! Ask for consent first, but a hug could make his day; everyone wants to feel loved and supported when they're upset or stressed out. Maybe even cuddle with him if he wants to.
Tell him that his feelings are valid. He may feel like he's being a nuisance, or that he shouldn't feel this way. Tell him you understand it's hard, and that he has every right to feel the way he does. You don't always need to know exactly the right thing to say. Staying and listening, and offering consolation (like putting an arm around him or placing a hand on his shoulder) can mean a lot.
Put yourself in his shoes (if you're not already in his shoes). If you're a cisgender guy, how would you feel having a period? If you're a cisgender girl, how would you feel if you started to develop facial hair like a guy? It's all the same; knowing your gender, but having to put up with characteristics of another gender.
Make menstruating sound more masculine. It may sound silly, but it can help him feel supported and validated as a guy. It may also help him cope a little better. Here are some ideas you can mention to him: Underline the "men" in the word "menstruation." If it says feminine hygiene, black out the word feminine. Have someone else do the shopping if feminine packaging bothers him. This way, the box can be fixed for him, or the supplies can be placed in a gender-neutral box, before he has to see it. Draw pictures of men on the boxes of period products. Refer to his period with a masculine term, such as "menstruation" or "shark week." Use gender-neutral language about menstruation (e.g. "menstrual products" instead of "feminine products"). Remind him that periods are difficult, and he's a tough guy for getting through it.
Try sharing positive stories about transgender people (especially trans guys) with him. This can help him feel less alone, and remember that there are lots of other people like him in the world. Try learning about trans people in other parts of the world together. See if there is any media about trans men being on their periods. This can help normalize periods, and can demonstrate he's not the only one going through this. There may also be handy tips included. Tumblr has a tag devoted to guys who menstruate.
Help him access the trans community. Talking with other trans people, especially trans guys, can help a lot.
Offering Tangible Comforts
Encourage him to dress comfortably. He shouldn't wear anything too constricting, especially around the torso/waist. Sweatpants may be a good choice. Encourage him to wear loose clothing. If he mentions taking off his binder, gently encourage him to do so. Binders can be tight and restrictive, and taking it off will help make his body feel more comfortable. Unfortunately, he may feel extra self-conscious with his binder off. Tell him that you think he's handsome with or without it, and you support him taking it off whenever he needs to.
Make him some comfort food. With the added misery of dysphoria, he may be too tired or upset to make food for himself. Give him his favorite food, if possible. Try giving him something sugary to release endorphins. Warm drinks, such as hot chocolate, coffee, or tea, can help soothe period cramps.
Make sure he drinks a lot of water. Being on your period means you're losing more fluid than usual. Encourage him to stay hydrated and offer him a glass of water ever now and then.
Make sure he's warm and comfortable. Heat can help relieve cramps, and being comfortable is good for anyone going through a rough time. Offer a heating pad if it'll help his cramps. If he wants them, make sure he's got a blanket and a warm drink.
Keep him smiling. Lighten his mood when he's down. Be a good friend! You can cheer him up by talking to him, or do something more relaxing, like watching a funny movie. Tell jokes. They can be really lousy jokes if you don't know any good ones; sometimes the bad jokes are best to laugh at. Tell funny stories. Try something like "Remember the time I spilled my coffee all over my trousers and it looked like I peed?"
Handling His Health
Teach younger trans boys how to manage their menstrual cycles properly. It's important for him to get the facts on caring for himself, from disposing of pads to avoiding Toxic Shock Syndrome. Since a majority of resources about handling menstruation are written solely for cisgender girls, you may need to do some searching, or research it yourself and then explain it to him. Scarleteen has a gender-neutral guide to menstruation, which doesn't assume the gender of the reader.
Look for products that minimize his dysphoria. For example, Thinx has a brand of period underwear marketed specifically for trans men. TomboyX has period underwear for anyone of any gender. Some trans people might prefer menstrual cups or period boxers.
Try encouraging him to eat foods that fight PMS. If his hormones are out of whack, he may feel especially unhappy. Certain foods can help correct imbalances a little. Leafy greens fight many PMS symptoms. Other foods target specific symptoms, like: Cramps: Chamomile tea, banana, avocado Bloating: Banana, avocado, beans, salmon Mood: Popcorn, salmon Fatigue: Dark chocolate Cravings: Anything high in calcium
Get him to stretch and exercise, if he is able to. Movement and stretching can help reduce his cramps, because it relaxes the muscles that contract in his abdomen. Try getting some gentle exercise with him by talking a walk together. Clenching, holding, and unclenching the muscles in his torso may help reduce cramping.
Help him get a prescription for testosterone. Testosterone will stop his periods (although not immediately). It will also help him transition, and may help him feel more comfortable and content in his own body. In the US, Planned Parenthood will prescribe hormones for trans people, even those who lack the resources for a psychological evaluation.
Help a closeted trans guy get hormonal birth control, if he wants it. If for some reason he is not able to safely come out, he can begin taking birth control pills daily. These will stop his period. It will usually take a few months for his body to adjust to the hormones. If he needs to convince his parents, try mentioning to them how moody he is on his period, and encourage him to let them see him being unhappy on his period. This may make them more willing to let him take birth control to stop or at least manage it. When talking to the doctor, focus on how menstruating harms him, especially at work or school. (Does he miss days? Is it painful? Does he suffer from serious mood changes?) This emphasizes why it's important for him to get help. Some doctors want a person to take birth control 3 out of 4 weeks, to see if that will fix things. If this is only your option, do it. It will lighten his period. In a few months once his body has adjusted, come back and talk about any problems. For example, some people get terrible nausea at the beginning of the week when they stop the hormones, and thus need to take these pills all the time. The doctor visit might be very stressful for him. He'll be afraid of the doctor saying no, and it may be necessary to misgender him for his own safety. It's best if someone comes with to help. Afterwards, it may help for him to relax by spending time with a loved one and doing something peaceful, like watching a movie.
Take him to a mental health specialist, if needed. Dysphoria can be crushing, and menstruating may make it even worse. Transgender people are at increased risk of depression and suicide, especially the ones who are not supported by their family/friends. If you are seeing warning signs, contact the Trevor Project or Trans Lifeline for transgender-friendly support.
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