How to Respond to Accusations from a Narcissist

• Keep your cool and avoid lashing out. Tell them how much you care about them, and that you're sorry they feel the way they do.
• Refocus the conversation on the original topic if they try to deflect. Say, "We can address that later, but I'd like to talk about your original statement."
• Set firm boundaries. If the conversation devolves to personal insults, walk away. But first, tell them you can talk again when you've both cooled off.

Offer a short, straightforward rebuttal.

Respond, don’t react, by giving your retort with a cool confidence. You may be tempted to lash out at the absurd accusations a toxic person throws at you, but that’s usually what they want: they may thrive off of your negative energy. Instead, offer up a curt response to shut them down—make it abundantly clear that you will stand up to them on this one. If they accuse you of not caring about them, you might say, “I care deeply about you. If you can’t see that, it’s not on me,” or, “I do care about you. I’m sorry you feel that way.” If a narcissistic coworker accuses you of not doing your job, you might reply, “I just don’t see it that way,” or, “I’m doing my work. I’d focus on what you’re doing.” If a family member accuses you of never calling, you might say, “I called you last week. You didn’t pick up. I wouldn’t read too much into it,” or, “I don’t keep count of how often I call people. I recall talking to you last month, though. You can always call me, you know.”

Do not negotiate or argue.

They may want to fight over this, but don’t engage. Some people thrive on conflict, and if you rebut their accusations, they’ll likely offer up a counter. So don’t fight. If they think there’s room here to discuss, debate, or fight, they’re unlikely to stop throwing out accusations. There are a handful of phrases you might want to utilize here: “I’m sorry we don’t see things the same way.” “It’s unfortunate you feel that way.” “This isn’t really up for discussion. I’m not going to argue with you.” “Well, everyone is entitled to their opinions.” “You can feel that way if you’d like, but keep it to yourself.”

Refocus the convo if they’re deflecting.

If they’re accusing you because they’re projecting, stay on topic. People with fragile egos may throw wild accusations out when they themselves have been accused of something. If they’re accusing you of something because you’ve criticized them for something valid and important, don’t let them redirect the conversation. They’re projecting, and the longer you entertain the projection, the more they’re getting what they want. If a friend has insulted you and you bring it up, they might say, “Well, I just act like I don’t care about you because you don’t care about me.” You might reply, “We can talk about that later, but let’s stay on topic. You have to stop putting me down.” If a coworker lashes out and accuses you of being bad at your job when you ask them why they haven’t prepared a report you need, you might reply, “You can think that all you’d like. That’s fine. It still has nothing to do with the report I need.” The more entangled in a debate you get, the more you're actually feeding their need for drama.

Stay as calm as possible.

They may want a big reaction from you, so take a deep breath. Regardless of their reaction, follow-up comments, or future accusations, just stay as cool as possible. If this person thrives on drama, they may want you to get upset and to have an outburst. If you don’t give them that, they’ll eventually learn that throwing these accusations at you isn’t going to get them anywhere. Try talking in a really detached tone of voice to show that you're not involving yourself in the fight. Remember, you are never required to put up with someone trying to provoke you. You have no obligation to engage. It can be difficult to stay calm, but it’s better to leave than lash out in response. If this is taking place in private, just don’t let it get to you. If this is taking place in public, you may be tempted to fight fire with fire. If you keep it cool though, they will just end up showing everyone how ridiculous they are.

Set a concrete boundary.

If this is a chronic problem, draw a line and explain the consequences. A boundary is any concrete rule you set for how you’ll be treated. If you don’t want to cut this person off entirely, set some firm boundaries. Let them know that you will not put up with their behavior and explain what will happen if they ignore your needs. You might say: “I am not going to tolerate your accusations that I don’t care about you. You know I do. If you continue to complain about how cold of a person I am, I just won’t hang out with you.” “It is inappropriate to continually comment on my work. You have your job, and I have mine. If you keep criticizing me in public meetings, I’m going to reach out to HR.” “I’m not interested in keeping track of who reaches out to who and when. If you keep complaining about how rarely I call you, I’m just not going to call you at all.”

Enforce consequences for boundary crossing.

If they won't stop, don’t cut them a break. Actually enforce the rules you made when you were setting boundaries. If you don’t, they may think they can keep getting away with the baseless accusations. If you said you wouldn’t call them, don’t. If you said you would stop hanging out with them, reach out to other friends or family members. It might be hard, but if you show them that you won’t put up with their accusations it’s going to pay off. You can always soften up in the future and revisit your relationship with this person if they get the message. It’s much harder to take a strong stand if they don’t think you’re capable of it, though. Expert Answer Q What happens when you don't engage with a narcissist? Vernita Marsh, PhD Vernita Marsh, PhD Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker Dr. Vernita Marsh is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the CEO and Founder of Dr. Vernita Marsh & Associates and The Marsh Clinics®. With over 30 years of clinical psychology experience, she specializes in relationship therapy, grief counseling, family therapy, and intimate partner abuse counseling. Dr. Marsh offers consultation for therapists, coaches, and trainees of mental health. Dr. Marsh earned her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Michigan State University and completed both her postdoctoral and fellowship training at Harvard Medical School. She also has expertise in the area of Telehealth and has received Clinical Telehealth Health Provider Certification from Evergreen. Vernita Marsh, PhD EXPERT ADVICE Answer from Vernita Marsh, PhD: You don't give them any narcissistic supply, which is what feeds them. Narcissists love to create a cycle where they point the blame and make a negative situation all about you. In response, they'll expect you to roll over and take responsibility—this causes the cycle to start all over again. So, the best thing you can do is disentangle yourself from that cycle altogether to cut off that narcissistic supply.

Refuse to feel guilty.

Manipulative people are adept at making people feel bad, so don’t let it get to you. Gaslighting (the process where someone tries to trick you into thinking your perception is untrustworthy) is one of the textbook narcissistic maneuvers. Don’t second-guess yourself! If you’re being accused of something you didn’t do, don’t let them trick you into feeling like you have anything to apologize for. An example of gaslighting might be if this person does something egregious and they say, "Oh, I didn't do this. I think you're looking at it all wrong." Then, they'll try to make the situation about you instead. While it isn’t always a good idea to respond to narcissistic accusations with a long list of facts, it can absolutely help to remind yourself of the objective series of events here. If you’re accused of not caring for someone, you might list all of the things you’ve done in the past year to show you care.

Create some space if you need a break.

If you need some space to heal and calm down, take it. If they put the pressure on and refuse to let up, don’t get down about it. Take space from them: block them on social media and on your phone, or just avoid them when you see them. Take a break and don’t interact with them for a while until you feel ready—it’s totally okay if you need some room to breathe. It is important to note that this is not a good long-term solution if you plan on keeping this person in your life. It’s completely fine to do this periodically, but if you break away too often they’ll get the feeling that you shy away from conflict.

Enlist some support if they accuse you in public.

If these accusations have become a spectacle, build a coalition. Narcissistic people occasionally make their accusations very public in order to elicit a response. If you’re keeping calm and they just keep attacking you anyway, consider asking someone else for some support. A strong collective response will often put an end to perpetual accusations. You might pull a close friend aside and ask, “Hey, James won’t stop putting me down. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the next time we go out, I might say something. I just wanted to give you a heads up.” If you have an accusatory family member, you might reach out to a calmer, more level-headed member of the family and ask for some support at the next family dinner. If you have a good friend at work, you might ask them to help you stand up to an obnoxious coworker who keeps butting into your work.

Disarm them with kindness if you can’t fight back.

It’s not ideal, but if all else fails, make them feel good. If this person happens to be your boss, parent, or some other person in a position of power, you may not be able to stand up quite as hard as you’d like. If this is the case (or other strategies just don’t work), it may take less of your energy to pepper them with positive affirmations. They probably want to pick a fight, so if you just shower them with love they won’t have anything to react to. For an overly-critical friend, you might reply, “I do care about you, and I’m sorry you feel that way. You’re a good friend. I’ll try to be better.” With an accusatory mother, you could reply to claims that you never call by saying, “You’re right. You’re so connected and available, and I’ve just been really busy. I’ll call more often.” For a coworker who accuses you of dropping the ball, you could say, “I know I mess up sometimes. I can’t always be on top of it the same way you are. I’m doing my best.”

Take care of yourself.

Dealing with someone like this can be painful, so be kind to yourself. Continue to pour your energy and time into the relationships in your life that aren’t a total drag. Set aside time for self-care when you aren’t around this toxic person, and above all, don’t blame yourself. This can be an emotionally burdensome problem, and it’s important that you recognize that this person’s issues have nothing to do with you. If you have a difficult friend, there’s nothing wrong with not calling them the next time you and a few other pals go out for dinner. If family parties are rough because of a narcissistic family member, feel free to skip a Thanksgiving or two if you don’t want to put up with it. If you deal with a narcissistic coworker at work, do things you enjoy in your off-time and don’t think too hard about them.