Restoring Your Confidence
Make a list of your positive qualities and achievements. Think about things you’ve done that you’re proud of, like getting a promotion or enrolling in college. Try to be objective and jot down everything that comes to mind. Include the qualities or characteristics you like most about yourself, like your sense of humor or resilience. You can also write down compliments other people have given you in the past. If you’re having a hard time being objective, get a friend to help you. Read over this list often. You could even carry it with you in case you need to refer to it at school or work.
Be more assertive in your everyday life to establish boundaries. Abuse survivors often fall into a habit of passivity. Because of this, you may find yourself in situations where your boundaries aren’t clear to other people. It can be hard at first, but make an effort to speak your mind and express your feelings more often to make your boundaries very clear. Give yourself permission to be assertive. For example, get comfortable saying "no" if someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do. If you need to, practice saying “no” in front of a mirror so you can get used to what it feels like. Use “I” statements to express feelings instead of bottling them up. For example, you might say, “I feel overwhelmed when you speak to me that way” or “I disagree with that.” Don't feel guilty about your passivity. There are many known structural psychological adaptations people make in the face of chronic abuse, and sometimes being more submissive was the only way for victims to minimize the damage the abuser might otherwise create.
Tell others what you need and express your opinions more often. Do you find yourself responding to questions with statements like “I don’t know” or “It doesn’t matter”? This often becomes habitual and, over time, begins to make you feel invisible or unimportant. Pay attention to what you think, feel, want, and prefer and try to communicate those things to other people. For example, tell others that you need more time or support to complete a difficult task. You might say to your boss, “I’m making good progress on this project but I need more time” or “I really need another person to help me research this.” For example, if someone asks, "Would you like blue or yellow?" you can say, "I'd prefer the blue one, thanks” instead of automatically saying, “I don’t care” or “It doesn’t matter to me.”
Changing Negative Self-Beliefs
Remind yourself that the abuse was absolutely not your fault. Abuse survivors often struggle with a lot of self-blame and this can be tough to overcome. It’s important to remind yourself that no one deserves to be abused and it was the abuser's fault, not yours. If you catch yourself taking the blame for your abuse, remind yourself that: You didn’t do anything to cause the abuse. The only person to blame is your abuser. You did the best you could in a difficult situation. Imagine you got into a car crash. When you talked about it with other people you would say how awful it was that you got T-boned, but you wouldn't blame yourself for the situation. In the same way, you can acknowledge the harmful consequences of your abuse without believing it was really your fault.
Challenge the validity of self-critical thoughts. When you catch yourself criticizing yourself, stop what you’re doing and ask yourself if there’s real evidence that supports these self-criticisms. Most negative talk is completely unfounded if you examine it through an objective lens. For example, if you're given a special project to work on, you may think, “I’m not competent enough” or “I’m going to fail.” Stop and ask yourself why you believe those things. Your teacher/manager clearly believes you can handle the project, so why are you assuming you can't? If you tell yourself you never do anything right, ask yourself if that's actually true. If you forgot your phone/keys/wallet, you aren't stupid. Everyone does that sometimes.
Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations right away. Replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones as soon as they enter your mind is a crucial part of rebuilding self-esteem. Think of positive self-talk as your personal mantras and repeat these affirmations to yourself as often as you need to. For example, if you frequently feel anxious, repeat affirmations like, “I can handle this situation” and “I’m a strong person.” If you often find yourself criticizing your looks, repeat affirmations like “I’m an attractive person inside and out” and “I’m unique and beautiful.” Alternatively, leave post-it notes with these positive statements where you can see them, like on the bathroom mirror, to plant them in your mind. Low self-esteem may have been a really good tool to minimize what could have been worse treatment from your abuser. Don't see your low self-esteem as a character or personal deficit—it's a credit to what you were able to do in order to survive.
Keep a journal to reconnect with yourself and process emotions. Journaling can be a great way to become more self-aware and remember who you were before you were abused. It can also help you cope with negative emotions, give you a private space to vent, help you work through your problems, and make you more mindful in your everyday life. Try journaling for 10-20 minutes every day to make it a habit. You don’t have to stick to just writing in your journal. Try sketching or creating bullet point lists if that feels more natural to you.
Improving Your Quality of Life
Schedule pleasurable activities into your daily routine. Abuse survivors with low self-esteem often think they don’t deserve good things, even small pleasures. This tends to make life feel unfulfilling. You deserve fun and pleasure like everyone else! Create a list of activities that you enjoy. Then, schedule a few of them into each day or week just like you would a normal task or errand. Include big and small things on your list. For example, you might write down, “exercising,” “reading,” “gardening,” “sight-seeing,” “hanging out with friends,” “watching movies,” and “traveling.” Aim to dedicate at least 10 minutes a day to some kind of pleasurable activity.
Try new things and explore your creative interests. Exploring new activities and hobbies can help you discover talents or skills that you didn't know you had. Start with low-key activities that aren’t too challenging and go from there. Creative pursuits are great options because they also allow you to express your feelings. For example, consider trying photography, singing, or painting. See if there are any free community programs you can check out or look into reasonably-priced classes at a nearby community college.
Explore mindfulness techniques to help you live in the present. Mindfulness techniques like meditation, deep breathing exercises, and yoga can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. Awareness makes the thoughts and feelings easier to manage so that you don’t feel constantly overwhelmed by them. Try to find a quiet space to practice mindfulness. Sit in a relaxed position and focus on your breathing. Count the inhales and exhales. Allow your mind to wander and take note of what you are feeling. Don't judge your thoughts! Just be aware of them. Research shows that mindfulness techniques can help you break negative thought patterns.
Eat a good diet and exercise for 30 minutes daily to reclaim your health. After experiencing trauma, putting time and effort into caring for yourself can seem pointless, but taking care of yourself can help you feel confident. The healthier you are in mind and body, the more likely you are to feel satisfied with your life. Try making healthy changes, like eating a healthier diet and exercising for 30 minutes a day. If you’re pretty out of shape, start with small goals like walking around the block once a day. Work up to bigger exercise goals like getting a gym membership or swimming at the local pool. Try to incorporate more fresh fruits and vegetables into your diet. Try to limit sweets, junk food, and animal fats.
Getting Additional Support
Communicate with old friends and make new ones to feel connected. It’s common for abuse survivors to feel isolated and disconnected from the world. You may even find yourself actively withdrawing from important friendships. Whenever you feel the urge to withdraw, try to force yourself to do the opposite. Interacting and having fun with other people can help you heal. For example, call up a childhood friend or reach out to them on social media to catch up. Take your friends up on that invitation to go bowling. Sign up for a class or join a club to meet new people with similar interests.
Spend more time with people who make you happy and lift you up. Surround yourself with people who make you feel safe and loved. Hang out with friends that make you laugh and feel good. Find individuals who can be your cheerleaders when you need them to be. Don’t waste your time on people who make you feel bad about yourself or treat you poorly. Research shows that positive relationships build self-esteem by creating a positive feedback loop that continually accumulates.
Join a local support group to connect with other abuse survivors. It’s normal to feel lonely and isolated after being abused. Joining a support group can help you manage those feelings and help you connect to other people. Your fellow group members can relate to your experiences and give you advice for coping with low self-esteem issues caused by abuse. If you prefer connecting online, check out social media groups like DomesticShelters.org's Victims and Survivors Community on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/domesticshelterscommunity
Work with a mental health professional or therapist. Trauma can be overwhelming for any person to process by themselves, so it's a good idea to seek professional help. Therapy can teach you new coping skills and healthy ways to manage the anxiety survivors often suffer. It also gives you a safe and private space to express your thoughts and feelings, especially the ones that you're uncomfortable discussing with friends and family members. If you're using alcohol or drugs to help you cope with your past, you're not alone. Many survivors self-medicate, but this is a dangerous path. You deserve to heal from your trauma rather than just numbing yourself to it. Reach out to a doctor, mental health professional, or local mental health association as soon as you can for help.
Talk to someone immediately if you're having suicidal thoughts. Abuse survivors have experienced intense trauma and often suffer from depression during the healing process. If your depression is spiraling out of control or you're having suicidal thoughts, reach out to someone right now for help. To speak with a live person right now, call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. Text TALK to 741-741 to communicate with a trained counselor from the Crisis Text Line. You can also try Break the Silence’s survivor helpline by dialing 855-287-1777.
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