How to Make Friends If You're Shy

Find common interests.

Pay attention to what you have in common with others. Rather than seeing yourself as isolated or different from others, notice what similarities you share. Whether it be your classmate’s like-minded obsession with Avatar: The Last Airbender or your new coworker’s shared interest in gardening, take the time to pick up on these similarities and even let them know what the two of you have in common. Sharing common interests with someone can be the first step in building a friendship. Noting your similarities can be a great way to start a conversation, and as you continue talking, you may find you have even more in common.

Get involved in group activities.

Join clubs or groups to meet like-minded people. Think about what interests you or something you’ve wanted to learn more about, whether that be soccer, board games, or movies, and look for clubs or teams at your school or local community center. Volunteering can also be a great means to meet other people while also giving back! Think about what skills you have to offer and look for volunteering needs in your neighborhood.

Spend time in public places.

Visit a local park or grab a latte at a coffee shop. Hanging out in populated places helps you get more comfortable being around others, and provides opportunities to meet people. Try bringing a book to read at the park or even watching TV on your laptop at a coffee shop to start.

Accept invitations to hang out with others.

If a potential new friend asks you to hang out, say yes! It can be a little intimidating to make plans with a new person, but if someone asks you to spend time with them, why not try? Challenge yourself to go for it if a coworker asks you to grab lunch or a classmate invites you to a library study session. Though you may not always be in the mood to socialize, you’ll most likely find yourself having a great time once you get there. Although saying yes to invitations is a great way to meet new people, you are under no obligation to spend time with someone that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. If that’s the case, it’s more than okay to set boundaries and politely let them know that you aren’t able to hang out. You want to make new friends that make you feel safe, secure, and happy!

Be a good listener.

People love to have their feelings validated. A meaningful way to do this is to really listen to what others have to say. Practice being an active listener in conversations, and avoid taking the time they are speaking to think of what you have to say in response. Living in the moment and considering their thoughts can help potential friends see you as a genuine, caring person! In order to practice active listening, make eye contact, nod as they speak, and even consider rephrasing what they say in response to fully understand what they’ve just communicated to you.

Ask questions.

Take an active interest in your conversations by asking questions. People will appreciate that you’ve taken the time to not only listen to them, but learn more about them and make the conversation deeper. For example, if a potential new friend tells you that they love music, ask them about their favorite bands or the last concert they attended! If you don’t fully understand what someone has said, ask clarifying questions to communicate that you’d like to know what they meant. EXPERT TIP Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Shy people can challenge themselves to open up more. Making new friends can be hard if you're shy. Try starting with conversations one-on-one about things you both like. Small acts of kindness can help you find common ground. Bit by bit, you'll get more comfortable socializing. Give yourself little challenges to open up more. Don't forget — being brave can lead to great new friendships!

Compliment people.

Everyone loves to be flattered every now and again. If you’re talking to a new friend, make the effort to compliment something you like about them. Of course, if you’ve just met, it’s best to keep it friendly and brief. Try complimenting their sense of style or their presentation at work or school. They’ll appreciate that you noticed and took the time to let them know!

Take risks.

Be bold and try the things your shyness has prevented you from doing. It may sound scary, but putting yourself out there gets easier if you try. Think of the things you’ve always wanted to do but felt you couldn’t, like going to a concert with an acquaintance or speaking up about subjects you’re knowledgeable about in class. By putting yourself out there, you’ll appear confident and secure to others, and may even be approached by potential new friends. It’s completely okay to take things slow when trying to put yourself out there. Consider small steps you can take in your day-to-day life, like asking a grocery store clerk if they have had a good day. As you get more comfortable, try to approach new friends yourself. Ask an acquaintance to go to the local museum you’ve always wanted to visit, or go alone and strike up a conversation with someone admiring your favorite painting.

Accept who you are.

In order to overcome your shyness, learn to appreciate who you are. It may be difficult, but it’s important not to be too hard on yourself if you don’t like the fact that you are shy. Know that introverted people make up a huge number of the population, and are capable of being loved, appreciated, and befriended just the same as their more extroverted counterparts. Learning to love yourself will help you gain the confidence it takes to meet new people and make lasting connections. Consider writing out all the qualities you like about yourself on a piece of paper. Whether it’s your drawing abilities, knack for playing musical instruments, or your own smile, nothing is too big or small! Know that building up your confidence takes time. It’s okay if you’re not confident just yet. Try faking it as best you can, and you’ll find that it will eventually become real.

Reframe any negative thoughts.

If you are shy, you may feel that it is impossible to make friends. It’s important to realize that you are just as capable of making friends as anyone else. If you experience negative thoughts that prevent you from meeting others, the first step towards making new friends is reframing how you think about yourself. Anytime that voice in your head pops up and tells you that you’re too quiet or too weird to make friends, stop and take a moment to think a positive thought about yourself instead. Think something like, “I am a talented, capable person deserving of friends.” It may not feel natural at first, but over time reframing your thoughts can have a positive impact on your confidence and ability to put yourself out there.

Use humor to overcome awkwardness.

Everyone messes up in social situations, no matter how confident or cool! If you accidentally sneezed during a presentation or flubbed your words during a conversation, try to let it go and laugh. People will find it impressive that you don’t take yourself too seriously, and your confidence will make you look more approachable and down to earth.

Make the effort to maintain connections.

Building friendships takes time and effort! Even if you meet a potential new friend, it will take work to build and maintain the connection. Do the extra work required to forge a strong friendship by reaching out regularly, asking them to hangout, and being there when your new friends need you. If a new friend is going through a hard time, for example, show up for them in their time of need. Make them a mix cd, bring over some takeout, or spend an evening watching fun comedies to cheer them up.

Consult a therapist or counselor.

If you are struggling to make connections on your own, a professional can help. A therapist or counselor can help you explore why you may be having a difficult time building your confidence and making new friends and can also give you some helpful tools to use in every day social situations. Consider talking to your doctor about finding a therapist, or check websites like psychologytoday.com to find someone to talk to in your area.

Know the signs of social anxiety disorder.

If your shyness is debilitating, you may be struggling with social anxiety disorder. Common symptoms of social anxiety disorder include intense self-consciousness when in a group setting, worrying for weeks to months in anticipation of a social event, and constant fear of judgement. It can also be accompanied by physical symptoms including shortness of breath, stomach issues, and a racing heart beat. Those with social anxiety are more than capable of making new friends. If you think you may have social anxiety disorder, talk to a counselor, therapist, or medical professional. They can help you come up with a treatment plan that is right for you.