Investigating the Cheating
Talk to trusted friends and family. The people who know your relationship best likely spend the most time with you and your boyfriend. Perhaps they have noticed a change in his behavior or seen some activity that would confirm his infidelity. Since they know you well, they are likely to empathize with you, too, if they have something to share. It’s hard to broach this difficult topic, but you could try by saying, “I believe Mark is cheating on me. I trust you and wanted to know if you have seen or heard anything to support that.” By letting the person know what esteem you hold them in, they will be more likely to help you if they can. Try to control your temper when seeking out information from trusted people to confirm the infidelity. They are more likely to clam up if they feel accused or somehow complicit in the cheating.
Look for suspicious communication. In today’s modern age, it’s very difficult to carry on an affair with no paper trail, particularly an electronic one. Begin investigating your boyfriend’s public communication channels to confirm that he is cheating. Check out his social media pages. Are there any unusual posts on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram? Keep an ear out for any odd phone calls he makes or receives.
Observe his schedule and note any deviations from established patterns. A disruption of longstanding patterns could be a sign your boyfriend cheating. Is he a morning person who has suddenly turned into a night owl? Think about all the facets of your life together that have recently undergone large changes you can’t explain. If your boyfriend is keeping very different hours than he typically does, that is something of note. Is he constantly running late lately when he is usually very punctual? Observe your home life. Are you two people who rarely fight who are now fighting all the time? Think about when any changes in established patterns began and how long they have been going on. Can they be explained another way, such as a large project as work? If not, they could be meaningful. Physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship. If you’re normally intimate frequently, but you haven’t had sex in months, there could be someone else in the picture.
Talk to your boyfriend’s cheating partner. Do this only if you have found evidence of cheating. Many people, even cheaters, feel an overwhelming sense of guilt about their behavior. If you think you know who your boyfriend is cheating with, it can be helpful to talk to them before confronting your boyfriend. They may feel they owe you some information for having disrupted your relationship. If you go this route, stay calm when talking to them. The person you should be mad at is your boyfriend, who had a commitment to you rather than this outsider. It’s even possible they did not know he was in a relationship. You are only talking with them to find out further details. This can be a controversial approach, and so is best undertaken only if you feel calm and comfortable in this conversation. Approach the other person only if you have clear evidence. It’s best to connect in person or on the phone, so they have to contend with the fact that you are a real person. They’re likely to ignore a message. You could call and say, “You may not know this, but Mark and I are in a relationship. I believe you’re having a relationship with him as well. I wanted to talk to you about it.”
Confronting Your Boyfriend
Create a good time to talk. Don’t confront your boyfriend on his lunch break or right before you need to sleep at night. You will need adequate time to talk about what has happened. Try to find a time when he is not busy with other tasks, or make time on his calendar if necessary. You could say, “Do you have a good time today or tomorrow for us to talk about something important?” He will likely make time right then and there. Trust your instincts and try not to back out once you've set your time. Remain centered, and calm yourself through deep breathing.
Remain calm. Confronting your boyfriend about something as loaded as cheating may feel very stressful. You may be angry or depressed. Before talking with him, take a few deep breaths or talk on the phone with a friend to calm yourself. Being overly stressed may cause you to attack him, which will make him defensive. The goal of confronting him is to let him know you know and find out any relevant details that have not been revealed.
Say it. If you are certain he is cheating, you could say, “I have evidence that you are cheating on me.” This is more difficult for him to deny than your asking, “Are you cheating on me?” If you are pretty sure he’s cheating, but not 100%, you could say, “I believe you are cheating on me.” This feels more declarative and firm than “I think.” Pause and let him respond. It is his job to explain himself. If he denies an affair, present evidence that proves he’s lying, if you have it. If you do not have firm evidence, you will need to make a difficult decision about whether you can trust him to be truthful about this or not.
Ask about details. Gather all the information you feel you need to make a decision about the future of the relationship. Good questions might include: “How long has this been going on?” “Are you in love with her?” and “What does this mean for you and me?”
Find out his intentions. He may have cheated because he wanted to break up but was too cowardly, or he may be desperately seeking forgiveness for this terrible decision. Either way, it’s important to understand whether your boyfriend has a desire to proceed with the relationship or not. If he wants to stay together that doesn’t mean you need to want that, too. If you find you do want to move forward, though, you’ll need to understand if you have a willing partner or not.
Decide how you feel about what you found out. Does what you learned about his cheating make you want to move forward with him? Don’t make a decision in the heat of the moment. If he presses you for a snap decision, buy yourself some time. You could say, “I’m not ready to make that decision right now. I need some time to think.” Talking long walks or talking with friends are great ways to work through your feelings.
Breaking Up
Tell him directly. If you do not wish to move forward with the relationship, you will need to break up with your boyfriend. Find a good time to talk in person. You do not need to provide an elaborate explanation or justify how you feel. You can simply end things respectfully. For example, you might say, “I’ve thought this over, and because you cheated on me, I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore.” Deliver your news in a calm way. Try not to be vindictive, even if you’re hurt. Just because you were not treated well by your boyfriend does not mean you need to stoop to his level.
Take precautions if your boyfriend is violent. If your boyfriend has violent tendencies, be sure to let a friend or relative know where you will be breaking up and when. It can also help to break up in a public place with other people around. You could say something to them like, “I’m breaking up with Mark today at 3PM in the park. If I’m not home by 4PM, please call the police.”
Focus on yourself for a little while. After your relationship ends, you may be full of mixed emotions. Take some time to focus on yourself and restore your self-esteem. It may be helpful to reconnect with people and activities you enjoy that fell by the wayside during your relationship. For example, if you used to love painting, you might join a neighborhood painting class. The idea is just to connect with yourself as an individual rather than as part of your old couple. It is helpful to take all the time you need to heal before entering into a new relationship. Take the time you need to strengthen your friendships and relationship with family, and learn to take care of yourself before you start a new relationship.
Staying Together
Outline what he needs to do to earn your trust back. If you decide you want to work through the cheating and continue with the relationship, it will be important to tell your boyfriend what he needs to do to gain your trust back. Make a list of all the concrete actions he can take to begin repairing some of the damage he’s done. For example, if the person he cheated with is someone you both know, you may need him to stop seeing them even as a friend. Or let’s say your boyfriend’s cheating got started through late night drinking. Maybe he will need to come home by a given time for a month to begin making you feel as though you can trust him again.
Ask for more communication. Your boyfriend should understand that you might need more communication from him than usual to start building trust again. It can be helpful to have predetermined check-ins when you are apart, so you don’t start to get worried. You could say to him, “I know you’re going out with your friends tonight. Can you text me after dinner and then again when you’re getting in the cab home so I know what to expect?” Telling one another how you are feeling as you work through the aftermath of this affair will keep you connected. It will also enable him to act in a way that is considerate of your emotions going forward. If a disagreement about getting married spurred the cheating, for example, you should make an effort to discuss that part of your relationship. You might say, “I understand that you felt unwanted when I rebuffed your proposal. I love you very much, and I do want to marry you one day. I just need to go slow right now, though.”
Set rules to rebuild trust. Setting new relationship ground rules helps build trust that your boyfriend will do what he says he is going to do. This is especially critical as he is telling you he wants to recommit to the relationship. Now, more than ever, he needs to prove that he will follow through on his intent. For example, if your partner cheated through an online dating site, you might set a rule that every time you come into the room and he is on the computer, you can look over his shoulder to see what he’s doing. This temporary power imbalance can help you restore trust in the relationship, and his small privacy concession shows a willingness to put you first.
Seek couples therapy if necessary. If you and your boyfriend both want to work on the relationship but don’t know where to begin, it can be helpful to have a third party mediate the difficult emotions related to cheating. A couples counselor can provide constructive feedback and exercises to do at home that will help you both build trust again. A counselor can also help you address underlying issues in the relationship that may have contributed to the cheating in the first place, too.
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