How to Get Your Friends to Stop Fighting with Each Other

Getting All of the Details

Listen to each of your friends. One of the best things you can do for both of your friends is to simply listen to what each one has to say. Sitting down with each of them individually can help them to express how they feel and it can also help you to see what the fighting is all about if you are not sure. Ask each of your friends walk you through their point-of-view and explain why they’re upset. Make sure that you meet with each of your friends separately or else they may just start fighting with each other in front of you. Try inviting each one over to your house on separate days. Give your friends your full attention while they are sharing their perspectives. Put away your cell phone, turn off the TV, and remove any other distractions before you start listening. While your friend talks, make eye contact and show that you are listening by nodding and making neutral statements, such as “Uh-huh” and “I see.” If something is unclear, ask your friend to clarify.

Ask questions to find out what is going on. If your friend are reluctant to share, then you may have to ask some questions to get them talking. Ask open-ended questions to get your friends talking. Open-ended questions are those that cannot be answered with a simple YES or NO. For example, you might say something like, “What happened with you and Joe the other day?” Or, “It seems like you are upset at Christina. What’s going on?” It may take a couple of questions for them to open up, but once they do, try not to interrupt.

Clarify if something is unclear or untrue. Since you have an outsider’s perspective, you may be able to clarify if something is untrue. This might be especially helpful if the argument started over a piece of gossip. If you have information that might smooth things over, then share it. For example, if one friend is mad at the other because she thinks the other person said something about her behind her back, and you know that this is not true, then you could say something like, “No, that’s just a rumor someone started. I was there and she did not say that.”

Keep what you have heard to yourself. After speaking with each of your friends one-on-one, you may feel tempted to call each of them up and share what was told to you. However, this is a bad idea. Remember that your friends have shared their perspectives and feelings with you in confidence. Do not share anything that you were told unless you have permission from your friend to do so.

Mediating a Conflict

Choose a time and place to meet. When having any kind of serious discussion, it is best to do so in a semi-private place with few distractions. A neutral place is best. Don’t have one friend come to the other friend’s house. Look for a quiet spot outside or a have your friends meet you at a café. Make sure that your intentions for having them meet you are clear. Try saying something like, “I have heard both sides of the story. I think that if the two of you sat down and shared your feelings, then you could put this fight behind you. I will go along and mediate if you need me to.”

Make sure that your friends are both calm. If your friends are still emotionally charged from the argument, then it might not be possible to resolve the conflict. Encourage both of your friends to arrive in a good state of mind. For example, you could encourage your friends to listen to their favorite “happy song” before arriving at the meeting, or ask each of them to take five minutes to breathe deeply and collect their thoughts.

Encourage your friends to use “I” statements. Using “I” statements can help when two people are fighting because it reduces the chances that your friends will become defensive. “You” statements make people feel defensive. For example, if one friend says “You make me feel bad about myself!” then the other friend might feel the need to defend herself from this statement. This can start a cycle of blaming and defending that will go nowhere. Instead, your friend could say something like, “I feel bad when you criticize what I am wearing.” This statement places the emphasis on how the speaker feels while still pointing out the other person’s behavior. Talk to your friends about why it is important to use “I” statements during their discussion and encourage them to do so. If you notice one of your friend using “You” statements, then gently correct him or her. Say something like, “How does that make you feel?”

Help de-escalate any conflict that arises. If your friends start fighting right in front of you, it is important to defuse the situation. Do not allow it to continue. For example, if your friends start raising their voices at each other, then call a time out or suggest that you take a 15 minute break to cool off. If your friends cannot sit down and discuss the problem without arguing, then you may need to ask an adult to help mediate the conflict. Try asking a teacher or parent if he or she would be willing to mediate.

Ask your friends if anything is unclear. Encourage your friends to ask each other questions during this conversation as well. It might be possible that the fight was caused by misinformation or a misunderstanding, so asking questions can be helpful. For example, if one friend thinks the other friend intentionally left her out of something, but the other friend thought she already had plans, then that information is crucial. If you are aware of any misunderstandings, then you could gently encourage one friend to ask the other friend about it. Try saying something like, “Didn’t you want to ask Susie why she did not invite you to the movies last weekend?”

See if your friends are ready to forgive each other. After both friends have talked for a while and shared their feelings and perspectives, they may be willing to apologize and forgive each other. However, don’t try to force this. If your friends feel ready to forgive, then they will probably do so. Try saying something like, “Do you both feel better now that you have talked?” If your friends are still upset with each other and are not ready to forgive and move on, then let them go their separate ways. Depending on what has happened between them, they might just need some time apart.

Look for ways to prevent a similar problem. To help your friends get along better in the future, it might also be helpful to look for a solution that might prevent a similar problem and discuss ways that your friends can put it into practice. This can come in the form of a new rule in the friendship or a pledge to do or not do something. For example, if one friend was upset because the other friend did not invite him to go to the movies over the weekend, then the other friend might agree to send him a text even if she thinks he is busy.

Remaining Neutral

Try not to take a side. If you have two friends who are fighting, you might find that both of them will try to convince you to be on their ‘side.’ In the majority of situations, your best bet is to remain neutral and not take sides. Instead, help both friends think through what they’re fighting about and provide support for a possible reconciliation. There are always exceptions to this ‘rule,’ but it’s up to you to decide when to make such an exception based on your own personal beliefs and moral judgement.

Set yourself some boundaries. Before you decide to support your friends during their fight, possibly as a mediator, set yourself some boundaries. For example, make sure your friends understand that you aren’t a postman and that you will not be the one to carry a message from one friend to the other. If you’re friends want to pass a message to each other, they have to do it themselves Another boundary might be to tell your friends you will not help them if they simply start to rant and spew nasty comments about each other. Your goal is to help them get to a resolution, not help them be nasty to each other.

Avoid offering advice. It may seem counter-intuitive, but you may want to avoid offering either friend specific advice. It’s not because you’re being unhelpful, it’s because they need to figure out a solution on their own. You should be there to support them, but you can’t provide a solution for them. Instead of offering advice, ask more questions. For example, if you realize one of your friends isn’t able to see a specific point-of-view of your other friend, ask questions that lead your friend to realize and understand that point-of-view. Beware that if you do offer advice that doesn’t end up working, you could end up being blamed by one or both friends for the bad situation they’re in. If you feel the need to offer some sort of advice, ask first. Don’t provide unsolicited advice. Your friend may already know what they’re going to do about the situation and may just be looking for a shoulder to lean on, not advice.