How to Fake Food Poisoning

Setting the Stage

Talk about stomach issues. If you've had stomach issues in the past or claim to have a weak stomach, this will make it more believable when you claim to be suffering food poisoning. Try not to focus on this too much, as this can be suspicious, but in the week before you claim you are ill, you might want to mention once or twice that your stomach is sensitive and has given you trouble in the past. If you plan on using bad restaurant food as your excuse for food poisoning, you might mention you have had stomach issues with this kind of food before. As an example, if you plan on "getting sick" from Mexican food, a week before you might say, "I love Mexican food, but it always does a number on my stomach."

Invent a dicey dining situation. You don't have to actually go out to eat, but if you tell your classmates, coworkers, or boss that you're going to eat somewhere likely to cause food poisoning, that'll make it more believable when it happens. Certain foods, like Mexican, Indian, and Chinese, have a reputation for causing stomach issues. You might use one of these to make your condition credible. You should be careful when choosing a restaurant if you do not intend to dine there. If someone you know is at the restaurant at the same time you say you were, this could hurt your story. A safer option might be to say you ate some bad food at a private dining event, like a family dinner or reunion. You can add credibility to this claim by complaining that one of your relatives is an awful cook.

Use a likely food as the scape goat. Some kinds of food are more likely to give you food poisoning than others. The most common of these are poultry, meat, fish, and eggs. Food made with raw eggs, like a homemade cake or brownies, are also likely causes. When calling in sick, you might say that you ate one of these. To make your story more convincing, you might say something like, "I had some fish last night and I think it gave me food poisoning. The flavor seemed off, and I only ate half of it, but my stomach's killing me now!" Avoid being overly dramatic when describing the food you've eaten. If you talk about the food as though it was rotten, it may come across as suspicious. It may help you keep your story straight if you choose a specific dish that made you sick. For example, you could choose dumplings or a pork burrito as the culprit that caused your food poisoning.

Broadcast your illness. By telling your friends and family you're not feeling well in a Facebook post or Tweet, it's more likely people will believe you've got food poisoning. For example, you might say something like, "I'm going to be on the down-low for a day or two. Got food poisoning last night." You might also broadcast your illness by calling a classmate or coworker you are close with, informing them you have food poisoning, and asking if they are willing to fill you in on what's happened when you get back.

Plan at home activities. If you call in sick with food poisoning and someone sees you out and about, it could cause trouble for you. You'll have a much smaller chance of being found out if you relax at home instead. Restock your supplies, like food and drink, the day before you are sick so you don't run the risk of bumping into someone who thinks you're sick. You could plan a day-long movie marathon for your "sick" day, catch up on chores around the house, read a book, or call and catch up with old friends and family. Be careful with your social media posts when you're pretending to be ill. If you post something on Facebook or Twitter that makes it sound like you're well, your story might not hold up.

Faking Food Poisoning

Focus on symptoms difficult to verify. Stomach pain and nausea will be the two easiest conditions for you to imitate and the hardest to confirm. Food poisoning often causes cramping and shooting stomach pain, so you might want to use these terms to describe your symptoms. Food poisoning often leads to dehydration and light-headedness. To convey these symptoms, you could say things like, "My mouth is really dry," and "Every time I stand up, I get dizzy." You could also try drinking more to pretend you're dehydrated, though don't drink more than three litres in a short amount of time, as then you might get "water poisoning/intoxication" (when someone's cells rupture because there's so much water in their body that they can't even pee or vomit it out), which is life-threatening.

Be dramatic. Food poisoning is often a highly unpleasant illness, so it's OK if you dramatically clutch at, hold, or hug your stomach and say you're in pain. Nausea can be indicated with a simple comment, like, "I've felt like I was going to throw up all morning." Avoid eating if you claim nausea, as most people can't eat on an upset stomach. Be careful not to overact too much, especially if you're younger and trying to convince your parents. Acting like you're in too much pain might end up with you getting taken to the doctor's office. If you have to convince parents you are ill and have enough time, you can make some fake vomit to convince them of your nausea.

Keep your sick call short. When you're sick, the last thing you want to do is make small talk over the phone. Keep your call short and to the point. Briefly tell the person to whom you are reporting sick what you ate, how you feel, and that you will not be able to come in to work or school today. You may want to change your voice a little bit during the call. Aim for a tone that is weak, strained, and/or sounds like you are in mild discomfort.

Return to work under the weather. Food poisoning often lingers, so it's best if you return to work looking like you're still feeling its effects. Try to avoid physical exertion and small talk. If someone asks you to do something physical, say that you're still feeling a little rough after getting over food poisoning and you cannot help.

Providing Proof

Get a doctor's note. Many doctors will provide you with a sick note for a kind of "mental health day" even if you are not sick. However, this is not always the case, and if you are unsure whether or not your doctor will give you a sick note for your fake food poisoning, you may want to try other measures for providing proof. Some schools or places of employment require an official doctor's note for you to be excused for the day. Check your student or employee handbook to verify if you'll need a doctor's note.

Print a fake doctor's note. There are resources online that provide fake doctor's notes to those who are playing hooky by pretending to be sick. You should be careful when doing this. If you are found out, it could result in serious repercussions. There are three major features you should look for when searching for a fake doctor's note. The service should provide free sample notes, reasonable prices, and a verification service so if your teacher/boss calls, the note seems legitimate.

Enlist an ally. If you have a trustworthy friend or parent, you can use them as additional proof you aren't feeling well. Have your friend or parent call or speak to your teacher or boss to tell them that you haven't been feeling well after you ate last. If you bring other people in on your food poisoning scheme, you should make sure that everyone has the same story. For example, you might have your parent/friend specifically mention that you didn't feel well after eating a burrito.