Telling Your Partner It’s Over
Identify why you want to break up for good. Knowing why you want to breakup can help you follow through. Additionally, you can use your reason to help you decide what you want to say when you have the breakup conversation. Think about why you want to end things, then write down your reasons. There are several reasons you might want to end things, such as: Pain from constant breakups. Feeling insecure in your relationship because of the breakups. Wanting a commitment. Feeling interest in someone else.
Practice your breakup speech before you talk to your partner. Make an outline of what you want to say, including the reasons you want to break up. Then, say these things out loud like you’re talking to your partner. Recite your speech at least 3 times to help you remember it. Practicing can help you get through everything you want to say when the time comes. It’ll help you avoid getting overwhelmed or forgetting what you wanted to say. For instance, your outline might list, “Tell him I want to breakup;” “Explain that I constantly worry he’ll break up with me;” “Say that I want to find a committed partner;” and “Tell him this is our final breakup, so we should both move on.”
Talk to them in person if they’re not abusive. It’s common courtesy to end a relationship in person, so ask your partner to meet you somewhere, like a coffee shop. Pick somewhere you can talk in private but that is public enough to avoid the temptation of breakup sex. You might ask them, “Can we meet for coffee this afternoon. I need to talk to you about something.”Warning: If your partner is abusing you, don’t meet them in person. It’s perfectly okay to break things off with them in a text, phone call, or email. Never put your personal safety at risk.
Explain that you want to breakup for good and why. You’ve likely broken up with this person several times, so it’s important to tell them that this is the last time you’ll be together. Give the breakup speech that you prepared so they understand your intention to break up, as well as your reasons. Be direct and honest with them, but try not to be hurtful. Say, “I want to end our relationship today. Over this past year, our constant on again/off again pattern has made me insecure in our relationship and causes me a lot of stress. I want a partner who will fully commit to me, so I can’t see you anymore.”
Make it clear that you don’t want to get back together again. Your ex is likely going to expect to get back together because it’s happened before. Be direct in telling them that you don’t want this relationship to continue. Ask them not to contact you, and explain that you won’t be responding to their calls or messages. You might say, “I know we’ve broken up and gotten back together in the past, but that’s not going to happen this time. I need to move on. Please respect this by not contacting me. If you do call or message me, I’m not going to respond.”
Acknowledge the role you’ve played in your cycle of breakups. It’s likely that both of you have had a role in your relationship cycling. Even if one of you did most of the breaking up, the other person let the cycle continue. Tell your ex that you know you’ve made some mistakes and that you aren’t trying to blame them for everything that happened. This can help you both move forward without hard feelings. You might explain, “I know I’m not perfect, and I probably haven’t been the best partner for you. I think it’s best if we both try to move on.”
Avoiding the Urge to Get Back Together
End your sexual relationship with them permanently. While you might think casual or breakup sex is a good idea, it can actually prevent you from moving on. Unfortunately, your brain is wired to make an emotional connection during sex, and it’s even more likely to do so if you’re having sex with someone you’ve loved or cared for in the past. Don’t give into the temptation to have breakup sex! Instead, create some distance between yourself and your ex so the healing process can begin. If you’re tempted to have sex with them, stay away from them and don’t be with them alone. If you know you’re going to see them, ask a trusted friend to go with you.
Delete and block their phone number. It’s crucial that you block them because they’re probably going to text or call you a few days after your breakup. Since you’ve always gotten back together in the past, they’re going to assume that you’ll change your mind. Blocking their number will ensure that you don’t feel tempted to answer them. Similarly, deleting them from your contacts will help you avoid reaching out. Don’t fall for the temptation to be their support system or talk them through the breakup. This will likely end with you getting back together.
Block all of their social media accounts. Staying connected on social media gives them a way to initiate contact, which can draw you back into a relationship. Similarly, seeing their posts and updates will keep them on your mind and may make you regret the breakup. It’s best to completely cut ties with them so you can move on. It hurts to see the person you loved moving on without you, even if you know it’s for the best. Don’t torture yourself by following them on social media.
Get rid of all reminders of your relationship. Both physical and digital reminders of your past relationship can keep you rooted in the past. They may also make you think of the good times you had and not the pain that caused you to end things. Purge these items from your life by throwing them away or deleting them. Things to get rid of may include: Texts Emails or messages Photos Gifts CardsVariation: If you aren’t ready to throw things out, put them in a box and give the box to a friend. This will help you avoid looking at the items without having to toss them out.
Focus on a hobby to help you fight the temptation to go back to them. Since being in a relationship releases hormones that make you feel good, you’re going to experience withdrawal during a breakup. This is especially true if you’ve gone back to your ex before. Fortunately, doing something you enjoy will give you a pleasurable feeling that can help you resist the urge to get back with your ex. Choose a favorite hobby from your past or try something new. For instance, take up painting, join a recreational sports team, or start building a fighting robot.
Tell yourself that being single can be fun. You’re more likely to get trapped in an on again/off again cycle if you’re uncomfortable being single, so changing this mindset can help. Fortunately, being single can be really fun! Enjoy this opportunity to create a life that you love, focus on your personal goals and interests, and build your independence. This is your time to shine! Try restaurants or activities your partner never wanted to try. Attend clubs, meetups, or local events to meet new people and make friends. Spend more time with your friends.
Dealing with Your Emotions
Give yourself permission to feel sad about ending the relationship. Even though you’re ending things, it’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions, including sadness. Let yourself feel whatever comes naturally. This will help you feel better faster. Cry or scream to let out your emotions whenever you feel the need.
Release your emotions by getting active. Movement helps release painful emotions, adrenaline and tension that can build up in your body when you experience stress. Shake it out, or engage in exercise, like running, dancing, or kickboxing. This will help free your body of any emotional energy you’re experiencing. For instance, stand up, then shake your hands, arms, legs, and feet to release pent up stress chemicals, pain, anxiety, or anger. If shaking makes you feel weird, walk, run, or dance to let things go. Use kickboxing to punch and kick out your painful emotions.
Write about how your relationship and breakups made you feel. Journaling will help you recognize how your relationship affected you, which will strengthen your resolve to move on. Write down what happened, how it made you feel, and what you hope will change in the future. As you do this, identify the lessons you learned from this relationship so you can use them to be stronger in the future. Try to write in your journal daily or whenever you feel upset. Keep doing this until you’ve totally moved on from the relationship.
Talk to a close friend about your feelings and listen to their advice. Your friend likely has a different perspective on your relationship than you do because they’re looking at it from the outside. Tell your friend how you feel about the breakup and what you want for the future. Then, listen to any advice they may have to offer. You might say, “It’s hard to walk away from her because we’ve had so many years together. I’m worried she’s the only one for me. Sometimes I think we should just get back together.”
Practice self-care to ensure all of your needs are met. Taking care of yourself can help you feel better and can help you start the process of moving on. Make sure you’re tending to your personal needs, like bathing, eating, and resting. Additionally, do something special for yourself, like doing a spa treatment, soaking in a bath, coloring in an adult coloring book, or getting a haircut. Make a to-do list of the things you need to do everyday, like showering, eating your meals, and going to work. Reward yourself for keeping up with these responsibilities. Do 1 thing every day to indulge yourself, like getting your favorite coffee, listening to your favorite album, or going out with friends.
Spend time with your family and friends who can offer support. Create a community to help you get through your breakup. Ask your friends and relatives if you an call or text when you need to. Additionally, invite your friends to spend time with you at your home, or meet them for social outings when you feel ready. For instance, host a movie or game night at your home with your closest friends. Alternatively, ask your friends to try a new restaurant, go bowling, or attend a workshop with you.
Pursue your personal interests to help you move on. Now that your relationship is over, you have lots of time for you. Spend this time doing something that makes you happy. Here are some things you might try: Start a new hobby. Take a class and learn something new. Join a club or meetup. Get a pet. Be more creative. Join a recreational sports team. Tour your hometown. Start a blog.
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