Reacting to Someone’s Anger
Don’t respond with anger. When someone else is angry, especially at you, it can be easy to get angry as well. But when you are trying to communicate with an angry person, it’s better for you to keep your own anger out of it. Calm yourself down before you respond. Force yourself to stop and take a few deep breaths. Maybe even count to five (or 10 if you need more time). Remember that the other person's anger likely has nothing to do with you.
Maintain emotional distance. Don’t take this person’s anger personally. Instead, step outside of the direct line by transforming your feelings into curiosity about the person’s anger. Ask yourself questions like: “This person is really angry. I wonder what got them so upset?”
Speak calmly and slowly. Don’t raise your voice or speak in a tone that conveys anger. Take a couple of deep breaths if you need to, and speak with a level, calm voice with a normal volume.
Use non-threatening body language. Having open, welcoming body language can help diffuse another person’s anger. They will see that you are not being antagonistic. Some positive body language includes: Maintaining eye contact (but not staring the person down) Standing or sit with your arms at your sides, not crossed in front of you Standing at a slight angle, instead of facing the other person straight on Becoming aware of the distance between yourself and the angry person. Avoid encroaching on the other person's personal space as a way to avoid making them uncomfortable or angrier. Giving them space also means that, should they try to strike you, you will be able to move out of the way. Gently touching the other person’s shoulder, if they will allow it. Keep in mind that touch isn't always appropriate. If the angry person is a spouse or close friend, then a touch may be appropriate. If the angry person is a customer or client, it would not be appropriate.
Don’t provoke the angry person. When you know a person’s anger triggers, you might push their buttons to provoke them to anger. This may or may not be deliberate. But when someone is angry, try not to do things that you know will make them angrier or feel less respected.
Suggesting Calming Techniques
Assess the situation before making suggestions. Making suggestions to calm someone down may not be appropriate for someone who clearly doesn't want help; however, it can be appropriate if the angry person is seeking help in calming down. It can also help when conversation is not productive or is escalating and a break is warranted.
Tell the person to take deep breaths. Breathing deeply can be effective in regulating emotions. Give the person these instructions: Breathe in for a count of four, hold for a count of four, and exhale for a count of four. Make sure they are breathing with their diaphragm rather than with their chest. When the person breathes with their diaphragm, their belly extends out (they should be able to feel it with their hand). Do this as many times as necessary until the person starts feeling calmer.
Ask the person to count to 10. Tell the other person that they don't need to react right away. Counting can help put off angry feelings for the moment. Suggest that the other person gives themselves time to sort out feelings by counting to 10.
Distract the person. Help the person take their mind off the anger by distracting them. You can tell a joke or watch a video. You can reassure the person that you care about their anger, but you can also say that it may be a good idea to change their focus for a few minutes to help them cool off.
Suggest taking a walk. Removing the person from a situation will help them calm down. Suggest going for a walk, getting outdoors, or otherwise removing themselves from the situation.
Listening Effectively
Let the other person speak. It’s important to make sure that the other person feels like you’re taking them seriously. Let the person speak and listen to what they are saying. Don’t interrupt or correct the other person while they are speaking.
Show empathy. You don’t necessarily have to agree with the other person, but you can show that you understand why they might feel the way they do. For example, you might say, “If I felt like I wasn’t getting equal treatment, I’d probably feel upset too.” Agreeing with the angry person might help diffuse the angry feelings. It helps the angry person feel like they are right in some manner.
Keep asking questions. Use “open-ended” questions to probe for more information. Open-ended questions ask for more than a simple answer like yes or no. These types of questions require more information. Then you can get to the root of the problem. For example, you might say, “What happened at the meeting this morning?” Use the word “exactly” to get more information. For example, “What exactly do you mean when you say nobody listened to you?”
Paraphrase the other person for clarification. Show that you want to understand what the other person is talking about. Paraphrase what they say so that you are sure you understand correctly. For example, you can say, “Let me see if I have this right. You went to the meeting and were asked to give a last-minute presentation, which made you feel stressed. Then, your boss checked his phone the whole time, which made you feel ignored. Do I have that right?”
Finding a Resolution
Find a good time to work on problem-solving. A person’s emotional defenses can be down if they are feeling tired or hungry. Find a good time when the person is rested and can approach a problem without getting mired in negative emotion.
Apologize if needed. If you did something wrong or if you unintentionally hurt another person, apologizing is not a sign of weakness. It shows that you care that you hurt another person, no matter if it was intended or not.
Help the person find a solution to the problem. Work towards problem solving. Ask what the person would like to see happen as a resolution. If you can’t meet the person’s expectations or if the person is being unreasonable, see what you can negotiate.
Use “We.” Using this language will help show that you are cooperating with the person to resolve the issue in partnership. For example, you can say, “How can I help you to the point where we can resolve this issue?”
Stick to the issue at hand. If you are trying to come to a compromise, stick with the issue that is immediately happening. Don’t bring up past fights or problems. Don’t use old grudges to get what you want out of a situation.
Be prepared for no resolution yet. It may be that you can’t arrive at a solution until the person has calmed down. This may take a while, and solving the problem will be delayed until the other person can respond without being too angry.
Dealing with an Angry Child
Teach kids mutual respect. Kids need some direction in terms of how to deal with their own anger. Not many people know how to instruct their kids on how to deal with anger, so many are left to themselves to deal with it on their own. This can lead to poor impulse control, a history of violent behaviors, and fighting in relationships in school and at home. Children learn their behavioral patterns from their parents and other adults with whom they spend a lot of time. In order to teach your child mutual respect, you must try your best to communicate respectfully with your child. Instruct your kids to treat others with kindness. They shouldn’t be sarcastic toward other people. Model this for your child by doing the same — if you don't treat others with kindness and respect, don't expect your child to do so. Don’t yell or shake your finger at them. Don’t shame your kids, call them nasty names, or put down their actions even if they didn’t exhibit the best of judgment. Do not use guilt trips on your kids. If your kids stray from communicating respectfully, don’t accuse them of disrespecting you. It will hurt their feelings. If your kids are young, they probably don’t even realize they are acting in a disrespectful manner. If it’s your teen, let them know in an assertive way that their tone sounds angry and ask them what is going on. In other words, just make the observation without getting upset. Use a non-accusatory tone. Give them a chance to explain.
Stay calm and relaxed. Make sure your face is relaxed. Use a tone of voice that does not sound angry or tense.
Do not tolerate violent behavior. Behavior such as throwing things or hitting should not be allowed. If it’s a one-time occurrence, talk with your child after the incident to let them know that hitting is not allowed. Tell your child that this action was a mistake. Tell them that you forgive them, but that they will lose a privilege the next time this happens.
Acknowledge kids’ right to be angry. Just like adults, kids have the right to feel angry. An older child or teenager may respond well to a statement like this: “I notice you seem angry. It’s okay, you’re allowed to be angry, and people do get angry sometimes. You might be feeling other feelings along with anger too, and that’s okay also.” For younger kids, a shorter, more direct reflection statement is more helpful. Reflection can help children learn to name the emotion and learn how to deal with feelings appropriately. Try saying, "You are angry that you did not get to eat the cookie before dinner." Don't worry that it might not be the right emotion — they will correct you. The key is just getting them to refocus on how they are feeling. Help your kid identify more feelings if it’s possible, since anger almost always occurs with other feelings specific to the situation. For example, your kid could be angry that their little brother entered their room without permission. Your kid can also feel a little violated.
Help your child calm down. What works for adults works for kids too. If you notice your teen or kid stewing for a while, sit down with them. Count out loud for them, taking a few deep breaths with them. Breathe in for a count of four, hold for a count of four, and exhale for a count of four. Be willing to allow your child to blow off some steam for a little while and calm themselves down. They will need this skill throughout their life. In addition, some kids really prefer to calm themselves down.
Use distraction. With some kids, it’s possible to distract them long enough to get them to move on from something they are focused on. This is easy for young kids. Distraction is a way to deal with emotions to calm them down. Change the scenery and bring your kid out to the garage to help you with something small. A small task like this can help take the focus away from what’s upsetting them. Then you can discuss the issue later with them.
Listen really well and provide acknowledgment. As your kid discusses their issue and what caused them to be angry, listen to them carefully. Paraphrase and summarize what you think they have said. This will show that you are following their story. For children, it is key to teach them the difference between feelings and behaviors. It is perfectly fine to be angry or upset, but we have to show that in the right way. This is especially true for children who externalize their anger and hit, kick, or destroy things. Ask questions. Your child still might be upset and jump around in their story. By asking questions, you can help your child organize their thoughts too. For instance, if something at school upset your child, try to sum up what they are saying: “Let me see if I’m following your story. Billy pushed you during lunch time. You told the teacher, but the teacher just told him to stop, but you felt that the teacher should have punished him. Did I get this right?” For instance, if your kid has a falling out with friends, acknowledge that your kid has a right to be angry and upset. Your child might be feeling hurt. It might take a while for these feelings to resolve, but assure your child that the feelings eventually will fade away.
Brainstorm how to solve the problem. This will shift the focus away from the anger and focus on problem-solving. Encourage your kid to think of solutions where everyone wins, which will ensure cooperation in the house. You can offer some suggestions too, but it is also effective to let your child come up with solutions. Your child may feel more in control when he gets to determine how to solve the problem. He is also learning how to resolve his own problems, which is a skill he will need throughout life.
Be consistent and patient. You are teaching your kids major life skills, so following these steps each and every time will help this lesson sink in.
Help your child handle difficult situations. In some cases, your child might be angry because they have been wronged. Whether it’s bullying or because of unkind treatment from peers, your kid might have a really good reason to be angry. If there are situations where your child needs protection, like a bullying situation, demonstrate how this situation should be handled assertively. Go to your school’s principal for help and alert your child’s teachers. Keep going up the chain of command until you reach a positive solution. Being patient in tough situations will help show your child what it’s like to work out problems.
Ensuring Your Safety
Keep yourself and children safe. Your personal physical safety should be your number one concern when you are with someone who is angry most or all the time. If you have children in the house and they experience harm to their physical, emotional, and mental safety, or they witness violence in the household, you need to ensure your own safety and the safety of your children. Have a plan so you know what to do if your safety is at risk. If it’s possible, obtain an alternate place to stay or stay in a safehouse to ensure your safety. Use a code word with your children that can be used if anyone is in danger. Teach them what to do in case you use the code word (for example, they should leave the house and run to a specific friend’s house).
Let a trusted friend or family member know your situation. If you are able, talk with your friend, neighbor or family member about your safety plan. Talk over visual cues that you might use if you are in danger.
Know where your escape route is. Identify the nearest exits. If you can’t get out of your house, identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons or other instruments that can be used to hurt you. Always park your car face out in your driveway and keep the gas tank full.
Have a phone with you at all times. Carry your phone with you and program in important phone numbers.
Call a domestic violence hotline. If you are having trouble getting away from your situation, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. This hotline is staffed with people who can help you come up with a plan. They can also provide you with a shelter to go to. The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). The website is http://www.thehotline.org.
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