How to Clear Regrets After Someone Dies

Releasing the Regret

Let go. If you keep going round and round in circles of feeling sad, depressed, and bad about yourself due to this regret, it may be time to let it go. You may need to accept that you made a mistake or that you wish things could have gone differently. Instead of getting down on yourself, at some point you must accept the situation and forgive yourself. If you have a hard time letting go of the regret, write a letter to the deceased person. Say the good things about the relationship and also what you wish you could have said or done. Put this letter in a special place or bury it in a special location.

Release feelings of blame. Recognize that there may have been many factors which led to this specific regret. For example, given the circumstances, you may have been under incredible stress, financial difficulty, relied on faulty information, or been in a situation in which decision-making was impaired. Release yourself from undue blame. Talk to someone who is unbiased to get a different perspective. You can talk to someone not involved, like a friend or a therapist. Say, “Even though this outcome was not what I would have liked, I did what I thought was best at the time and release myself from placing all the blame onto myself.”

Forgive yourself. Resentment can make you a prisoner to your own negative emotions. Allow yourself to accept that you make mistakes and have lapses of judgment. It’s not worth feeling awful everyday over something you cannot change. Instead, learn to forgive yourself and practice different judgment next time. Say to yourself, “I have suffered for the decisions I have made, yet I am willing to forgive myself and move on from this point forward. I allow myself to grow from this experience.”

Coping with Feelings of Regret

Focus on this moment. Regret is a feeling based in the past. It’s difficult to live your life in the past when it’s actually happening in the present. Focusing on the moment means not being stuck on past experiences, thoughts, or thinking patterns. To help you tune in more to the present, bring your thoughts and awareness to now. Sit quietly and focus your mind on what’s happening right now. With practice, you can train yourself to focus on something more productive than feelings of regret. Practice attending to your breathing. Focus on your breath, noticing your inhales and exhales.

Tune into your senses. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by negative feelings associated with regret and can’t seem to get out of the cycle, turn to your senses. Chances are, if you’re caught up in regret, you’re not living presently. Focus on one sense at a time. For instance, start with sight and look around to observe what you notice. Really look with your eyes: notice colors, textures, movements, and contrasts of light and dark. Then tune into your hearing: listen to any noises occurring around you, from the hum of the air conditioner or footsteps across the hall. Slowly engage each sense one by one and bring yourself back to the moment. By focusing on your senses, you’re allowing yourself to bring yourself back to the moment and distance yourself from regret.

Practice self-compassion. Learn to stop applying judgments and evaluations to yourself and to all of your actions. Don’t put yourself in the category of “good” or “bad” and instead, learn to accept yourself as you are. Accept that you are learning and growing every day, and each day is a step closer toward being a kinder, better version of yourself. Practice self-compassion by experiencing kindness, mindfulness, and connectivity with others. Practice caring for and about yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat a best friend. Care about your own thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions. When you feel like you’re not good enough, ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend feeling this way?”

Moving On From Regret

Apologize to anyone else involved. If your regret centers around someone who is deceased yet involves people who are living, sort out any unsaid apologies. If you can take action on something, do it, even if you feel embarrassed or ashamed. It’s best to say what needs to be said than to live in regret. For example, if someone in your family died and there were problems with other members of the family, sort any issues that can be sorted.

Use regret beneficially. While regret may seem to be fully negative, there can be positive aspects to feeling regret. Regret can be functional, such as encouraging an addict to seek recovery. Regret can help you take another look at your choices and reconsider how you want to live moving forward. It can encourage you to look at your actions and see how they lead to negative consequences. Then, you’re left with a choice: do you want to continue living in this way or would you like to make a change? Regret may lead you to think about how you treat people in your life. For example, if someone you love died, you may regret not visiting enough or making time for this person. This can lead to a different approach to relationships where you begin to prioritize people in your life in a way that you never have before.

Reframe the situation more positively. Recognize that life exists as a journey, with many intersecting paths along the way. Instead of getting down on yourself or feeling like you’ve made mistakes, acknowledge that you’ve had opportunities to learn and grow. Perhaps the growth didn’t happen in the past, but recognize that it is happening now. If you regret not spending enough time with someone before he or she died, acknowledge the time you did spend together. Reflect on the positive aspects of the relationship, both what you cherish and what the other person cherished.

Give gratitude. While you cannot change the past, you can be grateful for it. Affirm the good memories and aspects of your relationship with this person. Even though the person has died, gratitude allows you to experience and celebrate the lasting effect of the person’s life in this present moment. Think about what positive aspects this relationship had in your life and in this person’s life. Express gratitude for the role each of you played in each other’s life. Giving gratitude has many lasting physical, emotional, and social benefits. Gratitude can also block negative emotions as it’s impossible to feel both grateful and upset at the same time.