Initiating the Conversation
Start early. If you get an indication that your child is being exposed to sexual information, then it is time to start talking with them yourself. Even infants are curious about their bodies, and by preschool age they may show an intellectual curiosity regarding others' bodies as well as their own. By eight years old many kids are ready to have some form of a sex conversation with you. Remember to keep the conversation age appropriate, too. You don’t need to provide all of the biological details to a young child, but it is important to let them know you are there to talk. By middle school your teen will likely have had at least one brief sexual education discussion in class. This is a good age range to clarify any biological information or details that may be confusing. When your child reaches high school, you may want to focus your attention on safe sex, including STD prevention. You may think your child is too young or unexperienced. Don’t underestimate their knowledge, especially now with social media.
Choose the right place and time. It is best to discuss sex when you and your child are alone. This will allow both of you to be honest and straightforward without worrying about peer pressure or embarrassment. Many parents find that the car is a great place to talk. Or, you and your child could talk while taking a walk. It is often helpful to talk about potentially uncomfortable subjects in the middle of completing a familiar activity. For example, you might want to initiate conversation in the middle of a basketball game, if you and your child regularly play together. Consider your family dynamic. Some children may be more comfortable having initial conversations with parents, guardians, or a close relative of the same biological sex.
Expect them to possess some prior knowledge. Be aware that your child has probably been exposed to a wide variety of sexual information fairly early on. The internet, radio, and TV all express sexualized messages on a regular basis. You might start the conversation with your child by asking them what they’ve seen or heard. For example, you might say, “You had the sex ed class in school today. Do you have any questions about what you learned? Did anything concern or confuse you?” To gauge what kind of sexual information your child is encountering, try flipping through their favorite magazines. Or, listen to their music.
Talk about sex more than once. Consider your conversation with your child as one that is ongoing and continual. Look for opportunities in your daily life when you can bring up the subject or provide them with some useful information. Pop culture provides many such opportunities. If you both are watching a TV show that mentions a sexual myth, go ahead and correct it for your child. Normalizing the conversations can help your child better understand in the long run. Also, be aware that you could overwhelm, or scare, your child if you try to lump everything that you want them to know into one talk. Instead, purposefully spread this information out over time, building a relationship built on trust and open communication. Tell them that you're available whenever. For example, "If you think of more questions you have, feel free to ask me sometime."
Providing Useful Information
Use biological names. Labeling sexual body parts with fake names or nicknames may only confuse or delay your child’s understanding of their body. It also makes the act of sex and the body seem more private than it should be. You want to foster an open conversation. Call the sexual body parts by their proper name. For example, you might say, “People with a uterus can get periods and can get pregnant once they're old enough. People with penises could get someone pregnant once they are old enough.” Consider your child's age. Many people feel more comfortable using body part nicknames until a child reaches the age of 3 or so.
Explain intercourse in a clear and direct way. When your child asks for a description of how sex occurs, it is best to offer a quick, clear description that leaves room for them to ask follow-up questions. You might talk about how the sperm can join with an egg and then that egg becomes a baby. This is a better way to approach the subject when compared with a “stork” discussion. For example, you could say, “You can get pregnant even on the first time, as it only takes one time for a sperm and egg to join.” For younger children, you might be more vague, like saying "Two people decide to put their private parts together" instead of describing the details. If your child wants clarification, you can give it, but they may not be interested yet.
Talk about love, too. If you just talk about sex as a biological act, then your child may grow to view it as such. Make sure to emphasize the way that love often plays a part in sexual relationships. This is a great way to acknowledge the strong feelings that your child may be experiencing while also telling them that you can express love in other ways aside from sex. You might say, “What are some other ways of showing a person that you love them?” Talk about platonic love. Love that is intimate and affectionate, but not romantic.
Discuss LGBTQ relationships with your child. Your child may ask you directly about diverse sexual relationships. Talk about how some people of the same gender and transgender/nonbinary individuals also partake in sexual and romantic relationships. If they are curious about these relationships, go online and research LGBTQ issues alongside your child. You could ask, “Do you have any questions about LGBTQ relationships?” Ensure that your child knows that same-gender relationships aren't any different from other romantic relationships. They still involve hand-holding, dating, kissing, and watching movies together. And sex is optional, never required. Teach an LGBTQ child about safe sex. LGBTQ individuals still need to practice safe sex, even if it isn't penis-in-vagina sex or they can't get pregnant. Help them look up information about safe LGBTQ sex if you don't know the information. STIs are still a risk, even if pregnancy isn't. Young children don't need to know the details of how the body parts fit together. Saying "they rub their private parts together" is usually enough to satisfy a child's curiosity. Explain asexuality and explain that it is completely okay to be asexual (not having sexual attraction/having no attraction to others).
Talk about peer pressure and sexual assault. Sexual bullying is, unfortunately, becoming increasingly common at schools. Teach your children how to identify sexual pressure, as connected to peer pressure. Emphasize the benefits of saying, “No,” in uncomfortable situations. Let your child know that unauthorized touching or sex is never okay and that it is never their fault if something does happen. Explain the importance of permission. For example, "It's never okay to kiss or do sexual things with a person if they don't want it. To find out if they want it, you can ask, and see if they say yes. If they're not sure, or they say no, that means no." Make sure they understand consent. “No always means no. If someone isn't interested or asks you to stop, do so. And, if you ask someone to stop, then they should respect your words.” All genders need to understand the problems associated with sexual peer pressure. Make sure to have this conversation regardless of your child’s gender.
Tell a young child about the private nature of sex. Older children and teens usually understand that it's private, but younger children may not realize it's inappropriate to blurt out questions or comments about sex in public. For example, "Sex is a private act, and some people get embarrassed if you talk about sex. If you have questions about sex, or just want to talk about it, you can ask me when it's just the two of us."
Stress the importance of safe sex. Tell your child that their safety is your first and foremost concern. Make safe sex a non-negotiable point in your conversation. Explain to them that sexual transmitted diseases can be carried and transmitted very easily unless sexual partners take the proper precautions, including testing. Discuss the use of contraceptive methods and how to prevent an unplanned pregnancy as well. You might tell a preteen or teen, “The decision to have unprotected sex can have many long-term consequences. Some STDs can stay with you for a lifetime.” Younger children probably don't need this information yet. If they ask, keep it simple, like "having the wrong kind of sex can make you sick, so people need to talk to their doctors first and use protection."
Show them materials created by a sex health care professional. You and your child can always sit down at the computer and search “sexual education materials” online. Then, you can both go through the information that your search turns up. Offer to purchase or download any books that your child expresses interest in. As you look through various books online, you might ask, “Would you like to order a few of these, so that you can look through them on your own as well?” Scarleteen is a website aimed at teens who have questions about sex.
Adopting the Right Tone
Stay calm and collected. You and your child will most likely both be nervous during these sex talks. But, as a parent/guardian, you establish the emotional cues and it is important that you keep a level head and calm demeanor. Do not laugh at your child’s questions and try to provide a response that demonstrates your respect of their curiosity. If you are especially nervous, it may help to practice this conversation with another adult before talking to your child. This could prepare you for, at least some of, the awkward moments. Consider bringing the topic up slowly over time so that you and your child both eventually feel more comfortable talking calmly about the matter with one another.
Avoid speaking in all “don’ts.” Many children avoid talking to their parents about sex because they don’t want another negative lecture. Instead, try to take a different tone with your child. Stick to proactive subjects, such as what they can do to stay sexually healthy. Talk about how they can avoid peer pressuring their romantic partners and how they should respond if pressured. For example, instead of saying, “Don’t get (someone) pregnant,” you might talk with your child about birth control or condoms.
Avoid shaming them. Be supportive regardless of whether your child discusses their playground crush or how they’ve started to explore masturbation. Try not to judge them for their actions. Instead, ask questions, so that you more fully understand your child’s behavior and can offer better advice. When in doubt, you can always emphasize the natural basis of many of your child’s actions. If they are embarrassed about their actions, you can just say, “That is natural and normal.”
Listen to your child. As the more experienced person, you may expect to do most of the talking during these conversations, but it is far better to be an active listener. Show your child that you are listening by nodding your head or making sounds of agreement. Create more engagement by seeing what they already know and addressing any misconceptions that may arise. Ask questions when they’ve finished speaking and pay attention to the answers. You can also show that you are listening by bringing up the conversation later on and asking follow-up questions. Try your best to avoid interrupting your child.
Ask them if they have any questions. At the end of each talk, make sure to ask them if they have any lingering questions that they would like to talk about. Emphasize that your door is always open if anything comes to mind. To add trust, you might tell them that you’ll come to them if you have any questions, too.
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