How to Be Stubborn

Being Assertive

Be firm about your demands. If you want to be stubborn, then you have to know how to be firm about what you want. If you can’t say what you want clearly, calmly, and with confidence, then you won’t be able to be truly stubborn. However, if people see that you’re really serious about what you want, then they’ll be much less likely to try to change your mind or to think you’re a pushover. Look people in the eye when you say what you want. Let them see that you mean it. If you look at the ground or away, it’ll look like you’re unsure of what you want. Speak slowly and clearly. Make sure you’re talking loudly enough so that people can hear you and see that you mean business. Use confident, direct language. Instead of saying, “I was wondering if there was any chance you could let me borrow your car some time,” say, “I really need to borrow your car as soon as I can. I would really appreciate it if you could help me.” Make sure you're really clear on what you want and how you want to be treated—you can't expect others to know what you need if you aren't sure yourself.

Provide evidence for your beliefs. Another way to help yourself be assertive and stubborn when it comes to getting what you want is to provide concrete evidence for why you should get whatever it is you’re asking for. If you just state what you want without giving any reasons for why you need it or why it shouldn’t be that hard for the person you’re talking to to make it happen, then your request will sound wishy-washy, or like you haven’t put a lot of thought into it. Make sure to plan what you’re going to say before you say it. Come up with an argument for what you want and what you’ll say to really prove it’s necessary. If you don’t have anything to say when the other person asks, “But why?” then it’ll look like you’re not really invested. Practice asking for what you want in front of a mirror or even with a friend. This can help you gain the confidence you need when you state your demands; it can also help you see if the evidence you’re planning on providing will really help your case. You can say something like, “Mom, I’d like to sleep over at Stella’s house tonight. You promised I could do it if I got my grades up last week, and I just got an ‘A’ on my English essay.”

Don’t let other people bully you away from your needs. The trouble with being stubborn is that you may not be the only stubborn person in the room. Someone else may try to out-stubborn you and make you feel like there’s no chance that you will get what you want. If you’re facing a person like this, whether it’s a friend or an older sibling, then you have to be able to stand your ground and show them that they can’t change your mind. Other people may put you down, call you names, or just make you feel like what you want is impossible. Learn to stick to what you want and not let them dissuade you. Don’t fight fire with fire. It’s better to be calm than to get emotional if your older sister is being mean to you when all you want to do is borrow her dress. This shows that you’re serious about what you want and need. Remember, you can't control how others respond to you. If you don't get the outcome you're looking for, keep repeating your request and making your needs known.

Look out for yourself. You have to stop worrying about pleasing other people and remember that you’re the most important person in your life. This doesn’t mean you have to be completely selfish, but it does mean that you have to know when it’s best to look out for your own needs instead of what your friends or other people in your life may want. Sometimes you may have to let other people have their way, but there are times when you should know that you should really put yourself first. For example, if you’re out with your best friend and she has always picked the movie you two are going to see together, then you should be comfortable with suggesting you want to see a different movie, even if you’ve always been a little scared of her moods. Sure, the people around you will be less happy if you disagree with them or say that you want something different from what they want. However, you will be less happy if you never get what you want, too.

Pick your battles. Though sticking up for what you want is important, you may have more success if you don’t fight for absolutely every little thing you believe in. If you always fight for everything you want, from what toppings you want on your pizza to what you want to watch on TV, then people will have a hard time taking you seriously when you start fighting for something that really makes a big difference in your life. Make sure to pick your battles wisely, and to spend your effort on the things that really matter to you. If you seem to fight the same amount for say, what you have for breakfast as for extending your curfew, then your parents or other people in your life will have a hard time taking you seriously. If you only fight for the things that really, really matter to you, then the people around you will be able to tell that you’re acting differently because whatever you want is non-negotiable. Let your tone, body language, and words show that you mean business this time. If something is really important to you, explain why it matters when you're asking.

Be respectful to the person you’re asking for help. There’s something to the saying that you’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar. If you want to be stubborn and get what you want, then you’re more likely to see positive results when you treat the person you want help from kindly and with respect. Instead of attacking the person and instantly putting him or her on the defensive, try to be kind and to even offer a bit of flattery, at first. For example, instead of saying, “Mom, you never let me do anything fun. Why can’t you let me see a movie with Amy?” you can say something like, “Mom, do you think I could see a movie with Amy tonight? I would really be grateful if you let me do that.” Of course, if being kind or even giving the person a bit of sincere flattery doesn’t work, then you may have to try a tougher approach. But starting things off on a positive note should be your best bet.

Set goals and meet them. If you want to be stubborn about something that is harder to achieve, then you’ll have be determined to get what you want at all costs. To really succeed in something like wanting to be an actress or writing a book, you’ll have to make an effort to set small goals that help you achieve your larger goal in order to be stubborn and persistent enough to get what you want. Make a list of all of the things you need to do to reach your goal. If you’re not sure what all of the steps of the process entail, then you should talk to an expert in whatever you want to achieve to get a better sense of the measures you need to take. If you focus on meeting small goals one at a time, then you’ll be much more likely to reach that larger goal than you would be if you were only focused on crawling toward that big picture. For example, if you want to write the first draft of a novel, break it up chapter by chapter. You’ll have to learn to ignore all of the doubters along the way. There will be plenty of people who will want you to feel like there’s no way you can succeed. Don’t let them stop you.

Deal with rejection constructively. Some people let too much discouragement get them down. However, if you’re really stubborn about getting what you want and doing what’s best for you, then you have to be able to accept all of the people who are telling you you can’t get what you want. Whether you’re trying to land a role in a film, find an agent for your novel, or make the volleyball team, tell yourself that if you keep trying, you’ll be able to do whatever you want, no matter what people say. Remind yourself that most great people have dealt with their fair share of rejection before becoming successes. Michael Jordan didn’t even make his high school basketball team! Let that rejection motivate you to keep working instead of bringing you down. That said, you shouldn’t ignore the rejection all together. If everyone who is rejecting you is telling you the same thing, then you may be able to use the advice you’re getting to improve. The most important thing is that you’re confident in what you’re doing. If you really believe in what you want and know you deserve it, then it’ll be easier to deal with the rejection.

Getting What You Want at All Costs

Be a broken record. So you’ve tried to be nice, and that has gotten you nowhere. If you feel like you’ve tried being diplomatic, kind, and understanding and you’re no better off than you were when you started, then you may need to take a different approach. Sure, you may be a bit annoying by being a broken record and repeating what you want again and again, but who says it won’t help you get what you want?” Continue saying what you want, or talking about what you want, until the person you’re talking to is so frustrated with you or annoyed that he just gives in. Sure, it won’t be pretty, but it’ll help you get closer to where you need to go. Just fold your arms over your chest and say what you want. Be firm in what you believe and don’t be ashamed of acting this way! If you’ve tried to be nice, then you need to try a different approach.

Refuse to move until you get what you want. Another way to be truly stubborn is simply not to budge until the person you’re with gives in to your demands. This can mean staying in your seat at a restaurant long after you’ve eaten your meal, staying at home when you and the person you’re with need to get going somewhere, or even stopping and sitting down on the ground wherever you want until you get what you want. Sure, this may embarrass the person you’re with, but if you really don’t care about that, then this may be the best way to get what you’re asking for! This can be especially effective if the person is really depending on you to get up, like if you’re supposed to be giving him a ride somewhere. Sure, this may not be the most sophisticated approach, but it may be the most effective. Some people will quickly give in in the face of embarrassment.

Completely ignore the person who doesn’t agree with you. Another way to be stubborn is to just ignore the person who is telling you you can’t do a certain thing. Act like you literally can’t hear the person until he or she lets you have what you want. This can mean blankly staring at the person in front of you, as if you don’t hear him or her turning you down at all, putting your fingers in your ears and saying, “I can’t hear you!” or just shrugging and walking away. Sure, this isn’t the world’s most mature approach, but if you’re really determined to get what you want, then this may help you get it at any cost.

Bargain. Another way to be stubborn and to get whatever you want is to bargain with the person you’re asking for help. Think for a minute and see if there’s something you can do for the person, so it feels less like a give give, and more like a give and take. If you have some ideas for how you can be of use to the person, then this will make it feel more like an exchange than a case of you just getting what you want. For example, you can ask your mother to let you hang out with your friends in exchange for doing the laundry over the weekend for her. This will make your question much more appealing. If you want to borrow your sister’s sweater, offer to let her borrow the new dress of yours that she really likes.

Get emotional. Though this is a cheap trick, sometimes shedding a tear or two can help you get what you want, especially if you’re in public. If your parents, siblings, or person you’re with won’t let you get your way, try getting really upset, crying, throwing a bit of a fit, or just showing how much you want whatever you’re not getting. Not only will this emphasize how much you want to get whatever you’re asking for, but it will also have the bonus effect of embarrassing the person you’re with into letting you have your way. If you don’t care about embarrassing yourself, try asking for whatever you want in an extra public place and then have a meltdown when you don’t get what you want so the person you’re with gets extra embarrassed. If this doesn’t backfire and make the person even more angry with you, it can actually be just embarrassing enough that you may win. You can practice your hissy fit in advance if you think that’ll make your act more convincing.

Don’t forget your reasons for wanting what you want. At the end of the day, being stubborn is all about sticking to your guns and getting what you want—and what you deserve. If you lose sight of your goals or needs, then you’ll be likely to give in to people or to give up because it’s simply easier than creating conflict. However, if you repeat what you want and why you want it to yourself, or even write it down on a piece of paper and read it over periodically, then you’ll be more likely to be stubborn about what you want—and to get it. Sure, it’s easier to shrug your shoulders and say that you’ll be okay with not getting what you want, but if that’s your attitude, then you’ll never be happy. Remember that being stubborn is a good thing when it comes to following your heart and asking for what you really want in life. Be proud of yourself for being firm, sticking up for yourself, and not letting other people boss you around.