- Commitment ceremonies are just like weddings, except they aren’t legally binding. However, they still involve saying vows and celebrating with friends and loved ones.
- Commitment ceremonies are a good alternative to marriage if you and your partner can’t legally get married—or simply don’t want to be married.
- Personalize your ceremony as much as you like since there are no wedding traditions to uphold. Try including activities like hiking, canoeing, or tree planting.
What is a commitment ceremony?
Commitment ceremonies are weddings that aren’t legally binding. They allow you to exchange vows, invite friends and loved ones, and celebrate your love, just like you would at a wedding. Basically, commitment ceremonies allow you to create a ceremony based purely on the values that matter to you and your partner. The only major difference between a commitment ceremony and a wedding is that weddings have legal standing, while commitment ceremonies don't. Commitment ceremonies are also called “spiritual,” “symbolic,” or “promise” ceremonies. You won’t need a judge or civil officiant at your commitment ceremony. Anyone can officiate a commitment ceremony because it isn't legally binding. Commitment ceremonies are often nearly identical to weddings since the only difference is that you don’t have to sign any paperwork after getting married. Commitment ceremonies are different than civil ceremonies, which are legally binding but do not have a religious component.
Why would you have a commitment ceremony?
You and your partner can’t get legally married. Unfortunately, not all couples are able to be married—the biggest example being same-sex couples. Same-sex weddings are still illegal in various parts of the world. If you and your partner fall under that category and can’t get legally married yet, you might have a commitment ceremony to celebrate your love for one another instead. Polyamorous relationships (which can include three or more individuals in a relationship together) are not legally recognized. However, if you’re in a polyamorous relationship, you might choose to celebrate with an unofficial ceremony. Legal divorce can be a months or even years-long process. If you or your partner were previously married and the divorce was never finalized, a commitment ceremony lets you celebrate sooner rather than later.
You and your partner don’t want to be legally married. It’s possible that you and your partner might decide marriage isn’t for you—either for personal or financial reasons. For example, you might feel that marriage is an outdated concept or that it’s too religious. Financially, although marriage typically comes with beneficial tax and employment benefits, it can complicate things like disability or welfare benefits—so you and your partner might decide to hold off for the moment. Even if you and your partner don’t want to be legally married, you might decide that a celebration of your commitment to one another is still a priority—and that’s where commitment ceremonies come in.
Legal marriage is inconvenient for you and your partner. In some cases, the red tape and loopholes associated with legally binding marriage might be too much of a headache! If you and your partner have a destination wedding in a foreign country, for example, it’s very hard to get married on the same day as your ceremony—so instead, you might have your dream wedding and then get legally married at a court in your home country. Some countries have restrictive laws about marriage—they may only recognize certain kinds of ceremonies, for example, or have additional requirements like blood tests or waiting periods. For international couples, if you choose to get married in a country where you are not a citizen, receiving a marriage certificate can be a months-long process. A commitment ceremony allows you to celebrate sooner.
You’re already married but want to have a formal ceremony. Say you and your partner already got married legally at a quick courthouse ceremony but never had a ceremony to mark the occasion. If you’ve already said your “I dos” but still dream of having a proper celebration, a commitment ceremony may be the ideal way to do so.
Pros of Commitment Ceremonies
You’ll have less legal red tape and paperwork to deal with. Wedding ceremonies have a lot of legal requirements to ensure the marriage is legally binding. Normally, you need an officiant and witness (such as a friend or family member) present for the ceremony, which can make elopement difficult if that’s what you and your partner want to do. Weddings also require you to sign papers after the ceremony—but with a commitment ceremony, you'll be able to save the paperwork for another day and focus on having fun.
You’re able to have a ceremony anytime and anywhere. Normally, when you get married in a foreign country for a destination wedding, it may take quite a bit of extra time to get your marriage license—which may put your plans on hold in turn. When you have a commitment ceremony, however, you don’t have to worry about any of that. Commitment ceremonies allow you to have a celebration on your own terms.
There are fewer restrictions on the ceremony. Outside the paperwork, marriage ceremonies have a lot of other customs and traditions—from the words that are read during the ceremony to who is allowed to officiate. With a commitment ceremony, you’re able to customize the event as much as you want, decide what kind of dress code you want to have, and choose your officiant since anybody could do it. Your pet could even “officiate” the ceremony if you wanted them to! Commitment ceremonies can still have the components of a traditional wedding—from exchanging vows and rings to walking down an aisle and sharing a first dance. However, you and your partner might also decide to go a nontraditional route for your ceremony. For instance, you might make your ceremony an adventure or vacation to a far-away locale. If you and your partner are musicians, you may choose to sing your vows instead of reading them. Instead of exchanging rings, you and your partner might exchange necklaces or earrings.
You’ll have more time to budget and plan. Weddings are typically expensive, with the average ceremony costing tens of thousands of dollars between the cost of the venue, travel, food, photographers, and music—not to mention rings or wedding garments. By hosting a commitment ceremony after getting legally married, you may not have to compromise with a cheaper venue or fewer services because you’ll have more time to save up for the celebration of your dreams. Commitment ceremonies are also typically less stressful. Because you don’t necessarily need to plan as much for them, it’s easier for you and your partner to focus on having a fun get-together and celebrating your love!
Cons of Commitment Ceremonies
You and your partner can’t claim tax or employment benefits. Legally married couples are allowed to file jointly for additional tax benefits and combine their financial assets. Additionally, when you’re legally married, you’re allowed to share employment benefits like health insurance, social security, and Medicare—but, unfortunately, none of those potential benefits apply when you only have a commitment ceremony. Legally married partners in the military are also able to share military benefits with spouses. If your partner ever experiences a medical emergency, only a family member or legal spouse can visit them in the hospital or make any medical decisions on their behalf.
You may have two anniversaries. This isn’t necessarily bad; it can be a pro or con, depending on the couple. If you do hold separate ceremonies on different dates, though, it’ll naturally leave you with two separate wedding anniversaries—the anniversary of the day the marriage was legalized and the anniversary of the day you held your commitment ceremony. It’s up to you and your partner whether you celebrate both dates or just one of them. Regardless of the date you and your partner recognize, the government will use the date your marriage was legalized for official paperwork.
Certain old-fashioned family members may disapprove. Old-fashioned or religious family members may disapprove of you and your partner choosing not to get married traditionally. It’s possible that some may even refuse to attend if they feel strongly about it. Nonetheless, try not to let someone else’s opinions sway your decision too much; all that really matters is that you and your partner agree on which route (marriage or commitment ceremony) works best for you both! For example, a family member with strong religious beliefs might have a hard time seeing a commitment ceremony as a “real” marriage. However, the truth is that commitment ceremonies are just as meaningful as marriage because, at their core, both are about affirming your love and commitment to your partner.
History of Commitment Ceremonies
Commitment ceremonies have a long history among same-sex couples. Because marriages within the LGBTQ+ community were often illegal due to religious or cultural beliefs, many recorded examples of marital unions were recognized by the couple's community, even if they had no legal or religious standing. The practice of using commitment ceremonies as an alternative to marriage goes back hundreds (and perhaps thousands) of years, though it’s unclear exactly how long. Some same-sex couples historically chose to show their commitment through cohabitation rather than a formal celebration or marriage. In the post-Stonewall Era of the 1970s and 1980s, the fight for marriage equality and anti-discrimination laws also led to more commitment ceremonies between same-sex couples. For instance, Cora Latz and Etta Perkins held a commitment ceremony in 1973 and renewed their vows with another ceremony in 1998.
How to Plan a Commitment Ceremony
Consider the ideal location, season, and date for your ceremony. Ask yourself, “Where in the world do I want to have my commitment ceremony?” The sky is the limit because there’s so much flexibility with commitment ceremonies. You might decide to stay local, go somewhere special, or even have a foreign destination ceremony. Dream a little! Once you know where you want to go, think about when you want to have the ceremony and nail down a date with your partner. When choosing a date, you might pick a significant day for you and your partner (like an anniversary) or base your choice on other factors. For example, you might have your ceremony during the summer because it’s warm out. It’s important to think ahead, even though commitment ceremonies can be hosted anywhere without waiting for legal approval. If you have guests, they’ll need time to arrange for travel!
Decide whether you want guests and put together a guest list. You’re not required to have an officiant or witness, but you can still invite as many (or as few) people as you want. Ask yourself, “Do I want guests to attend? How many?” You might have a celebration solely between you and your partner, exchange vows with a few of your closest friends in attendance, or invite everyone you know and even your most distant relatives. Remember: if there are certain people you don’t want attending the ceremony, you’re not obligated to invite them. This day is all about you and your partner. Keep in mind that your ceremony may not be ideal for every guest, depending on where it is and what activities you plan. Elderly relatives may have trouble if you plan to go hiking as part of the celebration, for example.
Book any lodgings or venues you might need for the ceremony. Many commitment ceremonies require some venue, whether you’re hosting a ceremony similar to a traditional wedding and want to throw a fancy ballroom reception or you want to go camping for your ceremony. Take care of all the lodging and venue arrangements well in advance—popular venues often get booked quickly! Be sure to book any other vendors you might need for the ceremony, like photographers, videographers, and florists. Figure out if you and your partner are going on a vacation (or “honeymoon”) after the ceremony and make those plans as well.
Personalize the ceremony and decide which customs to include. Decide if you want to add any wedding traditions to the ceremony—like exchanging vows or rings, for example. Then, look for ways to personalize your ceremony beyond that of a normal wedding, like writing commitment vows to one another without getting married or asking a close friend to officiate since they don’t need to be ordained. You might personalize the ceremony by changing up the traditional white dress or black suit and picking a colorful outfit that shows off your style. You and your partner might also try handfasting as part of your ceremony or take a celebratory shot together. At the end of the day, you might decide that you don’t want your ceremony to be anything like a marriage—or you might decide to incorporate a lot of traditional wedding elements. Both choices are perfectly valid.
Include a few activities on your big day. Activities can make a commitment ceremony truly memorable for everyone involved. Think about the kinds of activities you and your partner like to do together, and then figure out how to incorporate some of those into the festivities. Alternatively, pick a new activity you and your partner have been dying to try. It’s your ceremony, so enjoy it! Possible activities include: Skiing Canoeing Cliff jumping Hot air ballooning Horseback riding Hiking Planting a tree (to symbolize your growth together) Singing a song with guests
Decide whether you want to get legally married as well. If you and your partner aren’t married yet, spend some time discussing you you both feel about the idea of marriage in the near (or far) future. You might end up deciding to have a separate ceremony to legalize your marriage, have a friend or family member lead the ceremony as an officiant, or elope and be your own officiant at a ceremony just for you and your partner. Regardless of your opinion of legal marriage, make sure you’re on the same page as your partner about it and that you have a plan for the future if marriage is something you want!
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